Murphy, a dishonest lawyer, bribed a man on his client’s jury to hold outfor a charge of manslaughter, as opposed to the charge of murder which was brought by the state.The jury was out for several days before they returned with the manslaughter verdict.When Murphy paid the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had a very difficult time convincing the other jurors to see things his way.”Sure did,” the juror replied, “the other eleven wanted to acquit.”
Author: admin
Men and Parking Spaces
How are men and parking spaces alike?
Because all the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.
Bad Joke Dont Read
A nun walks out of a church and sees two little boys kneeling down with their penises stuck in the snow. She runs over to them and asks “Billy, Jimmy what are you doing?”Billy replies “Oh, Father O’Sullivan likes a couple cold ones after the service”
Lawyer the Hunting Dog
There was a man who loved to go pheasant hunting in the fall of
year and read an advertisement of a dog trainer that rented out
“the world’s best bird dogs.” He decided to try one of these
dogs since he had never had any luck with the hunting dog he
already owned. He went to the dog trainer and asked, “I read
your ad and would like to rent one of your dogs to hunt
pheasants for the day. I would like the best dog in your kennel.”
The dog trainer replied, “Well, then you would want Lawyer. He
has a great nose and always scares up dozens of pheasants. He
rents for $50 per day.”
“Great!” the hunter replied.
The hunter paid the fee and took Lawyer out to a field and sure
enough, he flushed out one bird after another and by the end of
the day the man had shot his limit of pheasants.
The next year the man knew he had to go back to this same kennel
and rent Lawyer. However, upon arriving the dog trainer told the
hunter that Lawyer now rented for $100 a day. “Why is that?” the
hunter asked.
“Well, Lawyer is even better this year. Take him out and you’ll
see.”
The hunter felt it was worth the $100 if the dog was better than
the last year and so he paid the fee and went out to a field and
sure enough, Lawyer flushed out so many pheasants that the
hunter had shot his limit before lunch time.
The next year the man returned to rent Lawyer for the day but
was surprised to discover that the dog now rented for $500 a
day. The dog trainer said, “He’s expensive because he is in such
high demand. Everybody wants Lawyer. And why not? He’s an even
better bird dog than last year.”
Once again the hunter felt it was worth the price and so he paid
the $500 and went out to a field. Lawyer was fantastic and the
hunter shot his limit of pheasant within an hour.
The next year the hunter returned to rent Lawyer. “How much this
year?” he said.
“$5,” the dog trainer replied.
“$5?” the hunter exclaimed. What do you mean $5? The first year
you charged $50, the second year $100 and last year $500? What
happened that Lawyer is suddenly so cheap?”
The dog trainer responded, “A couple of weeks ago a couple of
guys came in and rented Lawyer and took him out to hunt
pheasants but in the process they mistakenly called him
Judge….and now all he does is sit on his butt and bark!”
Sister Margaret
Sister Margaret was a model nun all of her life, until she was called to get
her just rewards. As she approached the pearly gates, Saint Peter said “Hold on,
Sister Margaret…not so fast!”
“But I have been good all my life and dedicated to the work of the Lord. From
the time the sisters at the convent took me in as an infant to my dying
breath… I have lived for this moment!” Sister Margaret exclaimed in disbelief.
“That is precisely the problem,” replied St. Peter, “…you never learned
right from wrong and to get into heaven, you must know the difference between
right and wrong”.
“Well, what can I do? I will do anything to get into heaven!” Sister Margaret
pleaded.
“I am going to have to send you back down to Earth. When you get there, I want
you to smoke a cigarette and call me when you are finished. We will discuss your
situation then.” ordered St. Peter.
Sister Margaret returned to Earth, smoked a Camel, and then immediately called
St. Peter, coughing and hacking. “Saint Peter” she gasped, “I can hardly
breathe, my mouth tastes terrible, my breath stinks, I feel dizzy, and I think I
am going to throw up”.
“Good!” replied the old saint, “Now you are finally getting a feel for right
and wrong. Now go out tonight and drink some hard liquor and call me back when
you are ready.”
Sister Margaret phoned St. Peter immediately after taking several belts of
Jack Daniels.
“Saint Peter, I feel woozy… that vile liquid burned my throat and nauseated
me…it is all I can do to keep it down.”
“Good…good! Now you are starting to see the difference between right and
wrong,” said St. Peter with delight.
“Tomorrow I want you to seek out a man and know him in the Biblical sense, and
then call me.”
A week passed before Sister Margaret called St. Peter and left a message: “Yo,
Pete…it’s Peggy…It’s gonna be a while!”
Arkansas Toothbrush
How do you know that the toothbrush was invented by a redneck?
If it was invented by anyone else they would have called it a “teethbrush”.
Stock Trade
A stockbroker was cold calling about a penny stock and found a taker. “I think this one will really move said the broker, it’s only $1 a share.””Buy me 1000 shares.” said the client.The next day the stock was at $2. The client called the broker and said, “You were right, give me 5000 more shares.”The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $4.The client ran to the phone and called the broker, “Get me 10,000 more shares said the client.””Great!” said the broker.The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $9.Seeing what a great profit he had in just a few days, the client ran to the phone and told the broker, “Sell all my shares!”The broker said, “To whom? You were the only one buying that stock.”
News
After returning from a trip to the doctor, a patient gets a call from his physician.
The doctor says, “I’ve got good news and bad news.”
The patient, of course, asks, “Well, what’s the good news?”
The doctor says, “They’re going to name a disease after you.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Algunos ejemplos de graffiti humor�sticos
Algunos ejemplos de graffiti humor�sticos que se encuentran en las calles colombianas:
Mi abuela dijo no a la droga… y se muri�.
No soy d�lar… pero subo y bajo.
No hay mujer fea… sino mal escogida.
Las mujeres son como el 11… empiezan con uno y terminan con uno.
�rbol que nace torcido… sirve para columpio.
Mi profesor es como un cirujano… primero nos duerme y luego nos raja.
Life Saver
A teacher liked to play guessing games with her students to
enhance some of their senses. One day she blindfolded several
children and handed each of them a cherry lifesaver.
“Ok, who can tell me what the flavor is?” she asked.
Susie yelled “Me, me, me!”, waving her arm in the air.
“Ok, Susie, go ahead.” said the teacher.
“It’s cherry!” Susie said proudly.
“That’s right, very good, Susie.” the teacher replied.
Next the teacher passed out orange flavored lifesavers, and
asked again who could tell her the flavor.
Billy waved his arm and said “I can! I can!”
Billy correctly identified the flavor, and the teacher passed
out another lifesaver to each child.
This time she had them stumped. She had found an unusual honey
flavored lifesaver and decided to see if anyone could guess it.
“Can anyone guess the flavor of this lifesaver?”
When nobody answered after a couple of minutes, she said “Ok,
class, I will give you a hint….it’s what your mommy calls your
daddy.”
This time Lil JOhnny jumped up and yelled, “Everybody! Quick,
spit it out! It’s an asshole!”
No honey
Little Johnny (that little bugger again!) was being particularly reckless one day. He was playing in the backyard when some honeybees started swirling around, annoying him. He began stomping on them in a temper and his father saw him.
‘That’s it. No honey for you for one month.’
Later, Johnny pondered over some butterflies and soon started catching them and crushing them under his feet. His father again caught him and after a brief moment of thought said, ‘No butter for you for one month.’
Early that evening, Johnny’s mother was cooking dinner and got jumpy when cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen floor. She began stomping on them one by one until all the cockroaches were dead.
Johnny’s mother looked up to find Johnny and his father standing there watching her, to which Johnny said, ‘Are you going to tell her, Daddy, or do you want me to?’
Thinking problems
The problem with men is that they spend too much time thinking with the wrong
head.