Esto se cuenta en Sao

Esto se cuenta en Sao Paulo:

El presidente Bush recibe un llamado directo desde Brasil; como no entiende un cuerno de portugu�s, decide llamar a su int�rprete y ponerlo en conferencia en otro tel�fono, muy cerca de �l. El traductor interroga:

“Alo, quem fala?”

“Aqu�, desde Brasil. Por gentileza, fala para seu presidente que nos os brasileros fuimos quem fizerem explodir os avioes no seus predios, t� legal. OK?”

El int�rprete no pod�a creer lo que escuchaba y, con la voz entrecortada, se dirige a Bush:

“Mr. President, they… The Brazilians… They said that they were who crashed the planes into the Twin Towers…”

Bush no lo tom� en serio:

“Are you crazy? Brazil? It is not possible! It must be a mistake! Please, ask him again…”

Entonces el traductor vuelve a preguntar:

“Por gentileza, quisieran los senhores repetir para mi otra vez?”

“Ok. Fala para o seu presidente que NOS, OS BRASILEROS, fuimos que fizerem explodir os seus avioes en seus predios, tanto em Nova Iorque como no Washington. NOS FUIMOS, TA?”

El int�rprete gira su cabeza y dice:

“Mr. President, unfortunately he confirmed it. The Brazilians were who crashed the planes…”

Entonces, Bush no soporta y despotrica:

“FUCKING BRAZILIANS! ATTACK THEM! DESTROY THEM! Launch missiles, nuclear bombs, biological weapons, anthrax, hepatitis, gonorrhea, whatever! Start with their principal cities! Destroy their Capital City! I need to know which city is their Capital! Ask him!”

El int�rprete puso su mejor voz conciliadora y como si nada pasara, pregunt�:

“Disculpen os senhores, pero por gentileza, podriam me decir cual es a sua capital?”

Era la pregunta que el brasile�o estaba esperando:

“Seguro, tudo mundo conhece a nossa capital e… BUENOS AIRES!”

The Top 20 Things Overheard During Jessica Simpson’s Thanksgiving Holiday

20> “Why do we celebrate Turkey day, anyway? Isn’t that a country in France or something?”

19> “So how did the pilgrims know to pick a day when everyone would be home from work?”

18> “Nick, you’re so smart! You saved money by getting a FREE range turkey!”

17> “Put down the carving knife! Jessica has her head stuck in the turkey again!”

16> “… all breasts and thighs, and where the head should be there’s nothing but stuffing! But hey, enough about Jessica — where’s the turkey?”

15> “We’re having a huge ball of butter for dinner? How totally gross!”

14> “How can could the Indians eat so much food and stay skinny like that Gandhi guy?”

13> “We shouldn’t eat turkeys! They should remain free to roam the plains of Africa with the kangaroos, the dinosaurs and the noble capybara!”

12> “In honor of our Native American friends, burritos for everyone!”

11> “Mom, Nick wants me to cook. Does the Yellow Pages have a section for ‘people who cook Thanksgiving dinner for celebrities’?”

10> “Nick, I give up. I’ve hunted all morning and haven’t found a single egg.”

9> “I saw Spider-Man in the Macy’s parade. You wouldn’t believe how much weight Tobey Maguire has gained since the movie! He’s huge!!”

8> “I didn’t know turkey guts were made out of bread!”

7> “White meat or dark meat? Hey… it’s *all* turkey meat! You can’t trick me again!”

6> “Damn. I was really hoping Thanksgiving was on Friday this year.”

5> “Stuff the turkey? I didn’t have to — it wasn’t empty. Duh!”

4> “I’m not sure if I did the turkey right. The recipe said to rub olive oil all over the breast, but all that did was make my bra sticky.”

3> “It’s a melted Snickers bar. I made *candied* yams this year.”

2> “Hey, look! If you open *both* ends of the cranberry sauce can, two people can eat it at the same time!”

1> “You want me to do WHAT with the gerblets?”

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

New Law office

A newly established lawyer, wanting to impress the first client coming into his office, picked up the phone and said, “I’m sorry, but I have a tremendous case load and won’t be able to look into this for at least a month.”

He then hung up, turned to the young man in his office and asked, “What can I do for you, sir?”

“Nothing,” replied the young man.
“I’m just here to hook up your phone.”

UC Students

I’m sure you can substitute any college name you want into these and you will get the same results!!!
How many UCLA alumni does it take to change a light bulb?

One to crack the whip and make his bitches do it for him…

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How many UC San Diego students does it take to change a lightbulb?
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Two: one to mix the margaritas and one to call the electrician.
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How many UC Santa Cruz students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Eleven: one to change the lightbulb and ten to share the experience.

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How many UC Davis students does it take to change a lightbulb?
None: Davis doesn’t have electricity.

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How many UC San Francisco students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two: one to change the lightbulb and one to crack under the pressure.

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How many UC Santa Barbara students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but he gets six credits for it.

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How many UC Berkeley students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Seventy-six: one to change the lightbulb, fifty to protest the lightbulb’s right not to change, and twenty-five to hold a counter-protest.

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How many UC Irvine students does it take to change a lightbulb?
None: Irvine looks better in the dark (ditto Riverside).

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How many UCLA students does it take to change a lightbulb?
One: he just holds the bulb and lets the world revolve around him.

Redneck quickies 6

You might be a Redneck if…

Your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, “The feud is back on!”

There is a gun rack on your bicycle.

Your wedding was held in the delivery room.

Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.

Your wife’s hairdo attracts bees.

Your baby’s first words are “Attention K-Mart shoppers.”

The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.

Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.

You picked your teeth from a catalog.

You’ve ever financed a tattoo.

The Proxy Father

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their
family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and
said, ”I’m off. The man should be here soon.”
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the
doorbell, hoping to make a sale. ”Good morning, madam. You don’t know me but
I’ve come to….”

”Oh, no need to explain. I’ve been expecting you,” Mrs. Smith cut in.

”Really ?” the photographer asked. ”Well, good! I’ve made a specialty of
babies.”

”That’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just
where do we start?” asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

”Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch
and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you
can really spread out.”

”Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work for Harry and me.”

”Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try
several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure
you’ll be pleased with the results.”

”I hope we can get this over with quickly,” gasped Mrs. Smith.

”Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I’d love to be in and
out in five minutes, but you’d be disappointed with that, I’m sure.”

”Don’t I know!” Mrs. Smith exclaimed. The photographer opened his briefcase
and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. ”This was done on the top of a
bus in downtown London.”

”Oh my god!!”, Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

”And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother
was so difficult to work with.” The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.

”She was difficult ?” asked Mrs. Smith.
”Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a
good look.”

”Four and five deep?” asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

”Yes,” the photographer said.

”And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and
yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to
rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I
just packed it all in.” Mrs. Smith leaned forward.

”You mean they actually chewed on your, eh……equipment ?”

”That’s right. Well madam, if you’re ready, I’ll set up my tripod so that we
can get to work.”

”Tripod??”, Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

”Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big for me
to hold while I’m getting ready for action. Madam ? Madam?….. Good Lord, she’s
fainted!”