Q: What’s the difference between Bill Clinton and David Koresh?A: Koresh only burned 85 people.
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Another Blonde Joke
Santa Claus, the President of the United States, and smart blonde all fall off a roof. Which one hits the ground first?
The President. The other two don’t exist.
What Are They Thinki
At the exact same time there are two young men on opposite sides of the Earth. One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers. The other is receiving oral sex from a 98 year old woman.They are both thinking to themselves the exact same thing. What are they both thinking?The answer is below, but think about it first…??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? Answer: Don’t look down.
Purchase problems
A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up three cans and took them to the checkout counter. The girl at the cash register said, ‘I’m sorry, but we cannot sell cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat.’The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it to the store. They sold her the cat food. The next day she tried to buy three cans of dog food. Again the cashier demanded proof that she had a dog because old people sometimes eat dog food. She went home and brought in her dog. She then bought the dog food.The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, ‘No, you might have a snake in there.’The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger in the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady, ‘That smells like shit.’The little old lady said, ‘It is. Now can I buy three rolls of toilet paper?’
Prostitute Parrots
A lady approaches a priest and tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I bought these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.””What do they say?”, the priest asked.”They only know how to say Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some FUN?””That’s terrible”, the priest exclaimed, “But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship.””Thank you.” said the lady.So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest’s house. The priest’s two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots and the female parrots say, “Hi, we are prostitutes Do you want to have some FUN?”One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and says,”Put the bibles away our prayers have been answered”
Your mama so fat
your mama so fat her belt size is the equator
Hershey’s Kisses
Last Holloween, a black girl and her brother wanted to go trick
or treating. The boy went as Superman and she went as Princess
Di. Their parents took one look at them and said, “Have you ever
seen a black Superman or a black Princess Di?”
So, they went back to their room to change. When they came back
out, the boy was wearing a blue shirt and a diaper like Tommy
Pickles (a cartoon), and the girl was wearing a blonde wig and a
white dress (Marylynn Monroe). Again the parents yelled at them.
The last time they came downstair they were naked. The parents
were speechless. The girl said, “We’re Hershey’s Kisses! Im
plain, he got nuts!”
The Top 16 Signs Your Doctor’s Degree Is Bogus (Part I)
16> When you get close enough to his diploma, you can actually smell the Cracker Jack.
15> You’re fairly certain no university offers a “Doctor of Bootyology” degree.
14> Regardless of what the diploma says, you’re certain Hellmann’s does not run the Mayo Clinic.
13> Asks you if you’d like fries with your pelvic exam.
12> His latex examination gloves are ribbed for added pleasure.
11> His framed “degree” looks suspiciously like Motley Crue’s “Dr. Feelgood” album cover.
10> Dr. Harrelson prescribes medicinal marijuana for your ingrown toenail.
9> Pre-warms the proctoscope? Check.
Delicately lubes his latex-gloved hand? Check.
Puts on some Old Spice and fires up a Barry White CD? Uh-oh.
8> “Let’s mix things up a little. How about you grab *me*, and *I’ll* turn my head and cough?”
7> Prior to the exam, he connects a red light bulb to your nose “to tell me if I’m doing something wrong.”
6> He says that the best way to do your heart bypass surgery is to go through your stomach, “you know, because of that saying.”
5> You somehow doubt all his hype about the growing field of “Xtreme Gynecology.”
4> This may be the only clinic your HMO covers, but you’re pretty sure what your doctor is doing isn’t the “reasonable and customary” way to perform an artificial insemination.
3> Employs the services of his pets, Fluffy and Rover, for your cat scan and lab work.
2> You’re pretty sure the American Academy of Dermatology doesn’t really sponsor his Pimple Squeezin’ Olympics.
1> He introduces himself by saying, “I AM DR. CLEMENT OKON OF NIGERIA. FIRST, I MUST SOLICIT YOUR STRICTEST CONFIDENCE IN THIS TRANSACTION.”
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
El maestro de la escuela
El maestro de la escuela advierte que alguien se est� robando las manzanas del �rbol de su jard�n. Un d�a, el profesor le pregunta a Pepito, el cual se sienta siempre al fondo de la clase:
“�Eres t� el que se est� robando las manzanas de mi jard�n?”
“Lo siento, profesor, pero desde aqu� no se escucha nada”.
“Vamos a ver si es cierto. Yo me siento en tu pupitre y t� te sientas en mi escritorio”.
Entonces, Pepito le grita desde el escritorio al maestro:
“Maestro, �era usted el que vi saliendo del cuarto de mi hermana esta ma�ana?”
Compungido, el profesor le responde:
“�Tienes raz�n, Pepito, desde aqu� atr�s no se escucha nada!”
Women Driver
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident.Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, “So you’re a man, that’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.” Flattered, the man replied, “Oh yes, I agree with you completely!” This must be a sign from God!” The woman continued, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.”Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”The woman replies, “No. I think I’ll just wait for the police…”
How to Please Your I.T. Department
1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it
Buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals,
Dried flowers, bowling trophies and children’s art. We don’t have a
Life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
2. Don’t write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages
From here.
3. When an I.T. person says he’s coming right over, go for coffee. That
Way you won’t be there when we need your password. It’s nothing for us
To remember 700 screen saver passwords.
4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what’s keeping
you from getting it. We don’t need to know that you can’t get into your
Mail because your computer won’t power on at all.
5. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it
At once. We’re just testing.
6. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and
Spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.
7. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and
Flags it as a rush delivery.
8. When the photocopier doesn’t work, call computer support. There’s
Electronics in it.
9. When something’s wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person’s
Chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem.
We love a puzzle.
10. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don’t have
Cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.
11. When an I.T. person tells you that he’ll be there shortly, reply in
A scathing tone of voice: “And just how many weeks do you mean by
Shortly?” That motivates us.
12. When the printer won’t print, re-send the job at least 20 times.
Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.
13. When the printer still won’t print after 20 tries, send the job to
All 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.
14. Don’t learn the proper term for anything technical. We know exactly
What you mean by “My thingy blew up”.
15. Don’t use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.
At the Pharmacy
Woman: Can I get Viagra here?
Pharmacist: Yes.
Woman: Can I get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: If you give me two of them, you can.