Yours Fun Portal !
There was a man from cape, he went to fuck an ape,
Ape told fuck off you bastard, your balls are out of shape.
There was a girl from Kent, a football match she went,
She stood the goal and opened her hole, in the football went.
There was a man from Macca,who went to fuck his Akka,
he missed his mark in the dark, his balls were full of Kakka.
AIDS: Ass Infected Don’t Screw, Another Idiot Died Screwing.
A Polish man was walking down the street, carrying a brown paper bag. He ran into one of his friends, who asked, “Hey! What do you have in the bag?”
The man tells his friend that he has some fish in the bag.
His friend says, “Well, I’ll make you a bet. If I can guess how many fish you have in the bag, you’ll have to give me one.”
The man says, “I’ll tell you what. If you tell me how many fish I have in this bag, I’ll give you both of them.”
yo mama like a big mac…full of fat and only worth a buck 😀
Three men were traveling in rural America when their car came to grief,
whereupon they sought shelter at the nearest farmhouse.
The farmer had two spare beds in the room next to his daughter’s room, but
since he had heard all of those stories he informed the men that one of
them would have to sleep in the barn. One of them, a very polite Hindu
mathematician, immediately volunteered and went out to the barn. A short
time later there was a knock on the door, and, sure enough, there was the
Hindu, very apologetically explaining that there were cows in the barn, and
because of his religious convictions, he didn’t think he could remain there.
A second man, a conservative rabbi, now volunteered and went. But a short
time later, there was a knock on the door. Sure enough, he too was back,
explaining that since there was a pig in the barn, he too would be quite
uncomfortable out there.
Whereupon the third man, a practicing lawyer, agreeably proceeded out to the
barn.
In a little while, there was a knock on the door. And when they went to
answer it, sure enough, there were the cows and the pig.
Sister Catherine was asking all the Catholic school children in fourth grade
what they want to be when they grow up.
Little Sheila says, “When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!”
Sister Catherine’s eyes grow wide and she barked, “What did you say?!”
“A prostitute!” Sheila repeated.
Sister Catherine breathed a sigh of relief and said, “Thank God! I thought you
said a Protestant”
Your so ugly you jumped in the water and the water jumped out.
Your teeth are so yellow you spit out butter.
Your mamma’s so stupid she put a quarter in a parking meter and said, “Hey wheres my gumball?””
“
Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can’t find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You’re in them
Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He’s a cross-dresser
Ugly: He looks better than you
Good: Your son’s finally maturing
Bad: He’s involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you
Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections
Good: You wife’s not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She’s a lawyer
Good: The postman’s early
Bad: He’s wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas
Good: You’re daughter got a new job
Bad: As a hooker
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do
Good: You’re son is dating someone new
Bad: It’s another man
Ugly: He’s you’re best friend
Good: You’re wife is pregnant.
Bad: It’s triplets
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.
Estaba un se�or en un bar, y cada vez que el cantinero le servia un trago, el tipo dec�a: “Por mi honor, por mi familia y por mi verg�enza”, y se tiraba el trago. Esto sucedi� varias veces seguida, a lo que el Bartender le pregunt�:
Oiga, porque cada vez que usted se echa el trago dice: “Por mi honor, por mi familia y por mi verg�enza”?
Y el tipo le dice: “Bueno, te contar� lo que me pas�.”
“Yo soy honrado con una buena familia. Resulta que el fin de semana pasado, me qued� solo en mi casa, pues mi esposa hab�a salido con los ni�os a dar un paseo por la ciudad. Yo tengo un perro Doberman que se qued� conmigo solo en mi casa. Yo me estoy ba�ando de lo m�s tranquilamente, con la puerta abierta, y se me cae el jab�n, me agacho a recogerlo, y en eso viene el Doberman y se me sube en la espalda y me cogi�; como tu comprender�s ahi perd� mi orgullo; luego llega mi esposa y me ve con el perro, y piensa que me gusta la relaci�n con el animal, y ah� perd� mi familia”.
A lo que el Bartender le pregunta: “Y la verg�enza, cuando la perdi�”?
“Oh, cuando el maldito sali� corriendo conmigo y me arrastr� por todo el barrio.”
“�Te pierdo de vista cinco minutos, y te encuentro en la cama con nuestro invitado de honor!”, se indigna el novio.
“�Ya basta, por favor!”, protesta la noviecita. “Tu madre me hab�a dicho que tienes mal car�cter… �Pero eso de pensar que me ibas a hacer una escena de celos el d�a de nuestro matrimonio!”
One day, a mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a
street performer. As soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zoo keeper grabs him
and drags him into his office.
The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo’s most
popular attraction, a gorilla, died suddenly and the
keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off.
He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another
one. The mime accepts the offer.
So, the next morning, before the crowd arrives, the mime puts on the gorilla
suit and enters the cage. He
discovers that it’s a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun
of people, and he draws larger crowds than he ever did as a mime on the street.
However, eventually the crowd tires of him, and he tires of just swinging on
auto tires. He notices that the people are paying more attention to the lion in
the next cage. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to
the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top of the
lion’s cage.
Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd
loves it. At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a
raise for being such a good attraction.
Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps
taunting the lion, the crowd grows larger, and his
salary keeps going up.
Then, one day, when he is dangling over the top of the
lion’s cage, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified.
The lion raises himself up and prepares to pounce. The
mime is so scared that he begins to run around the cage
with the lion in hot pursuit.
Finally, the mime starts screaming, “Help! Help me!”
The lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds him flat on his back
looking up at the angry lion. The lion says, “Shut up, you idiot, or we’ll both
lose our jobs!”
A: To break on through to the other side.