A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he’s drinking it the monkey is running wild. The monkey jumps up on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender is livid and says to the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?” “No. What did that stupid shit do this time?”, says the patron. “Well, he just swallowed the cue ball off the pool table, whole”, says the bartender. “Yeah, well I hope it kills the little fucker because he’s been driving me nuts”, says the patron. The guy finishes his drink and leaves. Two weeks later he comes back in with the monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a grape on the bar. He grabs the grape, sticks it up his ass, then pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did now?”, he asks. “What now?”, responds the patron. “Well, he stuck a grape up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it”, says the barkeeper. “Well, what did you expect?”, replied the patron. “Ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!”
Author: admin
Help! Poleesh!
Here’s one I made up while in the sixth grade. It’s a sixth-grade joke, but no worse than the one just read! A drunk was sitting in his car in the parking lot outside a bar, yelling: “Help! Poleesh! I’ve been robbed!” The cop on the beat came to him & said, “What’s wrong?”The drunk said, “Look for yourshelf! They took my shteering wheel, my inshtrument panel; they even took my pedalsh!” The policeman said, “No problem; everything’s right up here in the front seat!”
Doc, it hurts all over
A woman explains to the doctor, “When I touch my arm,
ouch, it hurts. When I touch my leg, ouch, it hurts.
When I touch my head, ouch, it hurts. When I touch my
chest, ouch, it hurts.”
The doctor just shakes his head and asks, “You’re a
natural blond, aren’t you?”
The woman smiles and says, “Why, yes I am. How
did you know?”
The doctor replies, “Because your finger is broken.”
Whats for Dinner
A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife.He says to the doctor, ”Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things.””Well,” the doctor replied, ”go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn’t reply move about five feet close and say it again. Keep doing this so that we’ll get an idea about the severity of her deafness”. Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, ”Honey, what’s for dinner?” He hears no response. He moves about five feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves five feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, ”Honey, what’s for dinner?” She replies, ”For the fourth time, vegetable stew!
5 Stages of Drunkenness
Stage 1 – SMART This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.
Stage 2 – GOOD LOOKING This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.
Stage 3 – RICH This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you win all your bets. It doesn’t matter how much you bet ‘cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.
Stage 4 – BULLET PROOF You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you’re BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!
Stage 5 – INVISIBLE This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you’re still SMART you know all the words.
If you consult enough experts,
If you consult enough experts, you can confirm any opinion.
Your Momma is so fat .. thats whay the only…
Your Momma is so fat .. thats whay the only boyfriend she ever had was chef boyardee!
Will he be faithful?
Q: How can you tell if your husband might be unfaithful?
A: Check and see if he has a penis.
He who walks in another’s
He who walks in another’s tracks leaves no footprints.
“How do I know when it’s ready?”
Tech Support: “What does the screen say now.”
Person: “It says, ‘Hit ENTER when ready’.”
Tech Support: “Well?”
Person: “How do I know when it’s ready?”
Rising to the Occasion
A bunch of girls had become upset at an anthropology professor who had a knack of offending women. They decided the next time he did something offensive, they would all stand up and walk out of his class. Sure enough, at the very next class meeting while discussing a tribe of African natives. The professor leered and said, “You’ll be interested to know the average tribal warrior there has a cock twelve inches long.”
The girls all rose in a large mass and headed for the door. The prof sneered and said, “What’s your hurry, girls? The next flight to there isn’t until Saturday!”
Akash a singh
hi akash abst dhh ii m yg 7h