Little Johnny Answers the Question

Teacher: “Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are
left?”

Little Johnny: “None.”

Teacher: “Listen carefully: Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots
one. How many are left?”

Little Johnny: “None.”

Teacher: “Can you explain that answer?”

Little Johnny: “One is shot, the others fly away. There is none left.”

Teacher: “Well, that isn’t the correct answer, but I like the way you think”

Little Johnny: “Teacher, can I ask a question?”

Teacher: “Sure.”

Little Johnny: “There are three women at the ice cream parlor. One is licking,
one is biting and one is sucking her ice cream cone. Which one is married?”

Teacher: “The one sucking the cone.”

Little Johnny; “No. The one with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you
think.”

Judge has some fun

A judge grew tired of seeing the same town drunk in front of his bench. One day the judge glared down at the man, who was still intoxicated, and thundered “It is the sentence of this court that you be taken from here to a place of execution and there hanged by the neck until DEAD.”The drunk promptly fainted.The court bailiff commenced to reviving the man, and looked up at the judge, at which time the judge shrugged and responded “I’ve always wanted to do that.”

Heaven is Full

A man comes home from work and walks in his house. Now on top of a really bad day he comes to see his wife in a towel and his bed extreamly messed up. He suspects his wife is cheating on him. The man walked into his room where a naked an stand in hiss balconey. Her husband now in an up roar pushes the naked man out the balconey door.

The husband stomping on the mans hands trying to make him drop. Finally he fell into a great thing of bushes. But he handt died. So the husband took the fridge and threw it out the window. Unfortunately the cord wrapped around the mans ankle and died as well.

The he meets up with god and he says that heaven is full. But “god said” if you tell me the how you died and how bad it was then i will let you in.
The Husband agrees to his offer. The husbands began to explain, well on top of a bad day at work i come home to my wife cheating on me and the man was hanging out my balconey window so i threw the fridge on him and the cord wrapped around my ankle and i died.

God said well that sounds like a really bad day you can go on in.

A second guy comes and god offers him the same. He agrees and begins to tell his story. Well i was doing my daily arobics naked as i always do then i triped and landed on some guys balconey. Then this guy starts cusing at me saying i screwed his wife. I fell out his window and landed in some bushes, but then from no where the man threw a fridge at me and i died.

God replied wow what a horrible day,you can go in.

Then a third guy comes and god offers the same offer he gave the others. The guy agrees and begins to tell his story.

The man begins ” well i was in this fridge…..

5 Stages of Being Dr

Stage 1 – SMART This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART. Stage 2 – GOOD LOOKING This is when you realise that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun. Stage 3 – RICH This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armoured truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you will win all your bets. It doesn’t matter how much you bet ‘cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world. Stage 4 – BULLET PROOF You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you’re BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway! Stage 5 – INVISIBLE This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you’re still SMART you know all the words.

Military Computer

World War III. The US has succeeded in building a computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem. Military leaders are assembled in front of the new machine and instructed to feed a difficult tactical problem into it. They describe a hypothetical situation to the computer and then ask the pivotal question: ATTACK OR RETREAT?
The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with the answer: YES.

The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied. Finally one of them submits a second request to the computer: YES WHAT?

Instantly the computer responded: YES SIR.

The Accident Note

A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken
and considerable damage. There’s no sign of the offending
vehicle but he’s relieved to see that there’s a note stuck under
the windshield wiper.

“Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer. The witnesses who saw
the accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think
I’m leaving my name, address and other particulars. But I’m not.”

Worlds Grossest Records

Callus Collection

Florence Franklin of Peoria, IL, holds the record. As of Sept 12, 1992, Florence had over 200 pounds of callus in her collection. “I shave it off people,” Florence told us. “They don’t mind. Some people even autograph the big pieces.”

Infestation of Mites (Group)

This record belongs to the 3,859 residents of Itchy Butt, Montana. In 1989, visiting doctors certified that every person in the town was suffering from scabies, a skin disease caused by mite infection. “The mites seemed to be jumping from one person to another,” the mayor of Itchy Butt told us, “so we decided to get together and go for the record.”

Snail-Sucking (Live)

Armand Forcalquier, of Marseille, France, holds the record. In a contest held on Feb 12, 1992, Armand sucked down 1,238 live snails in a little over 4 hours. “It was not easy,” Armand boasted after he learned the record was his. “They cling to their shells, but they can’t get away from me.”

Nose Stuffing (Limburger Cheese)

Hans Kleiber, of West Berlin, holds the record. In a contest held on May 1, 1986, Hans managed to stuff 13 ounces of limburger into his nostrils in less than a minute. Hans’ closest competitor gagged on nine ounces and was disqualified.

Raw Kidney (Eating)

Alice Caldwell of Butte, Montana, holds the record. On Oct 22, 1991, Alice gobbled up more than 14 pounds of raw veal and lamb kidneys. “Kidneys are a good source of protein and vitamins,” Alice told us. “If you cook them, you lose some of the vitamins. As you can see, I don’t care about the record – I care about my health.”

Roach (Largest)

Rita Carlson, of Pasadena, CA, claims the record for having raised the world’s largest roach. Her record-setting roach is over a foot long and weighs close to two pounds (1992). “Plenty of protein,” Rita told us, “and plenty of good, natural vitamins helped to make this roach into a champion. You should have seen it when I first found it crawling around my kitchen.” {There are a couple more roach records. One is highest paid for a roach named Lassie II ($112,450) and longest living (Lassie, 12 years). Both roaches came from roach afficianado Sheila Biderman. About the oldest roach, Sheila reports that “She’s like one of the family. If she ever gets too old to poke around food by herself, you can bet I’ll do the humane thing and step on her, record or no record.”}

Socks (Continuous Wear)

Andy Schwartz, of Glen Ridge, NJ, claimed the record in 1989. In a sworn statement, Andy’s wife declared that he had worn the same socks every day for twenty years and 114 days. In 1983, shoe stores throughout New Jersey banned Andy from their premises. Since then he has purchased his shoes through the mail. Andy plans to remove the socks and take a look at his feet in 1999.

Tapeworm (Longest)

Sally Mae Wallace of Great Grits, Mississippi, holds the record. On Sep 5, 1991, doctors extracted 37 feet (continuous) of tapeworm from Sally. “About after 20 feet of that thing had come out of my mouth,” Sally told us, “I just knew I had the record. I was really filled with joy.”

Tongue (Hairiest)

Selma Ruby, of Dallas, Texas, holds the record. Selma’s tongue is fully covered with hair (1992). “I’ve been thinking about having it removed by an electrolysist,” Selma told us, “though lately people have been telling me that it’s beautiful.”

Underarm Hair (Length)

Florence Floss of Ban, Idaho, holds the record. On July 15, 1992, the hair growing out of Florence’s left armpit stretched to a length of 34 inches. This was more than enough for a record, but Florence hopes to have a yard of hair dangling from her armpit soon. “I shave the other armpit,” Florence reported to us.

Feet (Smell)

On Aug 21, 1991, Wanda Lake, 18, broke the record held by George David. Wanda removed her shoes in the crowded lobby of a Los Angeles theatre. In the five minutes that followed, the lobby was a chaotic mass of panic-stricken people trying desperately to escape. In the end, 42 people were sick, and 14 others had passed out.

The Crying Horse

One day a guy walks into a bar. The bartender says “if you can make that horse over there laugh you can have free drinks for the rest of the night”.

So he says “ok” and walks over to the horse and whispers something in his ear and he starts laughing and the bartender gives him free drinks for the rest of the night.

The next night the same guy comes back in and the bartender says “if you can make that horse over there cry i will give you free drinks for the rest of the night.

So he walks over there and does something and the horse starts crying, and the bartender gives him free drinks. Then the bartender asks what the man did to make the horse laugh and what he did to make him cry.

The man says “To make him laugh I told him I had a bigger dick than he does and to make him cry I showed him”.

Blind Senses

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. “I’m sorry sir, but I am blind and can’t read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I’ll smell it and order from there.”

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man’s table and hands it to him.

The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. “Ahh, yes that’s what I’ll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes.”

Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner’s wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.

“Sir, remember ? I’m the blind man.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t recognise you. I’ll go get you a dirty fork.”

The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, “That smells great, I’ll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli.”

Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he’s going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves. He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, “Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man.”

Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

“Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you.”

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says,

“Hey! I didn’t know that Mary worked here!”

Are there Jews in China?

Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. “Sid,” asked Al, “are there any Jews in China?”

“I don’t know,” Sid replied. “Why don’t we ask the waiter?”

When the waiter came by, Al asked him, “Are there any Chinese Jews?”
“I don’t know sir, let me ask,” the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, “No, sir. No Chinese Jews.”

“Are you sure?” Al asked.
“I will check again, sir.” the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.

While he was still gone, Sid said, “I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere.”

When the waiter returned he said, “Sir, no Chinese Jews.”
“Are you really sure?” Al asked again. “I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews.”

“Sir, I ask everyone,” the waiter replied exasperated.
“We have orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews and grape Jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese Jews!”