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Sunday School

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Johnny was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School.

“Well, mum, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a
rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.

“When he got to the Red Sea he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and
all the people walked across safely. Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio
headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and
saved the Israelites.”

“Now, Johnny, is that really what your teacher taught you?” his mother asked.

“Well, no, mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you’d never
believe it.”

Nice Ass

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A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring
her breasts in the mirror. He asks, “What are you doing?”

She replies, “I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have
the breasts of a 25 year old.”

The husband retorts, “Well, what did he say about your 50
year old ass?”

She replied, “Frankly dear, your name never came up.”

In a New York restaurant:

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In a New York restaurant: “Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager.”On the wall of a Baltimore estate: “Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.-Sisters of Mercy”On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: “38 years on the same spot.”In a Los Angeles dance hall: “Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.”In a Florida maternity ward: “No children allowed.”

Nixon's Disease

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Laura Bush goes to a new doctor in Washington for an examination and he discovers that she has CRABS. He thinks to himself, “How am I going to tell the 1st lady that she has crabs?” After the exam he tells her to get dressed and meet him back in his office. Once there he proceeds to tell her that she has a very unusual condition. She is quite concerned and asks him what it is. He responds that she is suffering from NIXON’S DISEASE. The first lady says, “WHAT?” He again responds, “Nixon’s Disease.” She says, “Level with me doc, what does it mean?” He responds, “Well Mrs. Bush, to put it very bluntly, you’ve got bugs in your oval office!!”

Redneck quickies 10

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You might be a redneck if…You think a chain saw is a musical instrument. You’ve ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow. The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is “What the h–l are you looking at, Sh-thead?”You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups. You’ve ever shot a deer from inside your house. The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are “Howdy!”, “HEY!” or “How Y’all Doin’?” (If they respond with the same… they’re a redneck too!)You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior. You’ve ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom. You clean your nails with a stick.You prefer car keys to Q-tips.

Wedding bliss

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Mr Potato had three daughters all wanting to get married!
Mr Potatoes first daughter cheerfully said:
Pa I am going to marry a Jersey royal.
Mr Potato replied happily:
Nice one my dear, we will have a bit of class in the family.
Mr Potatoes 2nd daughter chipped in saying:
Pa I am going to marry a King Edward.
To which Mr Potato replied even more happier:
That is great my dear, Royalty in the family that is something speacial, we are rubbing shoulders with the rich and famous now!
Suddenly all eyes went to Mr potatoes 3rd daughter who some what said hesitantly:
Pa I am going to marry Desmond Lynom!
In disbeleif Mr Potato replied angrily:
WHAT! this is an outrage! you can not marry him.
Why not?
replied the third daughter nervously!
Because he is only a common-tater!

Note from GOD

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One day God was looking down to earth and saw all the evil going on.

He decided to send an angel down to earth to check it out. So, he called
on a female angel and sent her to earth for a time. When she returned she
told God yes, it is bad on earth, 95% is bad and 5% is good.

Well, He thought for a moment and said maybe I had better send down a male
angel, to get both points of view. So, God called a male angel and sent
him to earth for a time. When the male angel returned, he went to God and
told him yes, the earth was in decline, 95% was bad and 5% was good.

God said this was not good. He would send a letter to the 5% that was good
and encourage them, something to help them keep going.

Do you know what that letter said?

Oh, so you didn’t get one either?

SUPER BOWL MADNESS

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A local bean farmer was blessed with a wonderful crop this fall. In fact he
had so many beans, he needed to unload them somehow. With all the hoopla about
the upcoming Super Bowl, he decided that would be a good venue to reach more
people. With this in mind he went to the local TV station to speak with the
advertising manager.

The farmer said, “I would like to purchase a minute or two during the Super
Bowl to advertise my wonderful beans. I have such a bountiful crop of beans of
all kinds; pinto beans, lima beans, navy beans, red beans . . .”

The sales manager said, “Ok, Ok, I get the message. And what would you be able
to pay for this amount of prime advertising time?”

The farmer scratched his beard, looked off, then said, very solemnly, “I’d be
willing to go as high as $300 to reach those folks.”

“$300?” the manager yelled, “You must be out of your mind!!! The current
sponsors pay through the nose to get the exposure of the Super Bowl! For
example, the makers of Kotex pay MILLIONS of dollars to reach the audience!”

The farmer very evenly replied, “I’m sure that’s right. But those people are
out for blood. I’m just farting around.”

Pregnancy Stamp

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A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit prior to the birth of their first child. After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife’s stomach with indelible ink. The couple was curious about what the stamp was for so when they got home, he dug out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was. In very tiny letters the stamp said, ”When you can read this, come back and see me.”