Yours Fun Portal !
Two poor kids go to a birthday party at a rich kid’s house. The kid is so rich that he has his own swimming pool and all the kids go in.
As they’re changing afterwards, one of the poor kids says to the other one, “Did you notice how small the rich kids’ penises were?”
“Yeah,” says his mate, “It’s probably because they’ve got toys to play with.”
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Yisman
10) Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them
names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your
roommate’s potato from the others. Wait a few days, and
then bake your roommate’s potato and eat it. Explain to
your roommate, “He just didn’t belong.”
9) Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your
roommate if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look
at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern.
8) Draw a tiny black line on your nose. Make it bigger
every day. Look at it and say, “The hair, it’s growing.
Growing!”
7) Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you’re
doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, “Soon,
soon….”
6) Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of
the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room.
Laugh at the pencil.
5) Tell your roommate, “I’ve got an important message for
you.” Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you
can’t remember what the message was. Later on, say, “Oh,
yeah, I remember!” Pretend to faint again. Keep this up
for several weeks.
4) While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the
ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor,
hold your head, and moan.
3) Make a sandwich. Don’t eat it, leave it on the floor.
Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of
it, and then say, “Hey, where the heck is my sandwich!?”
Complain loudly that you are hungry.
2) Every time your roommate walks in yell, “Hooray! You’re
back!” as loud as you can and dance around the room for
five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and
saying, ”Shouldn’t you be going somewhere?”
1) Talk back to your Rice Krispies. All of a sudden, act
offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse
to clean it up, explaining, “No, I want to watch them
suffer.”
A judge grew tired of seeing the same town drunk in front of his bench. One day the judge glared down at the man, who was still intoxicated, and thundered “It is the sentence of this court that you be taken from here to a place of execution and there hanged by the neck until DEAD.”The drunk promptly fainted.The court bailiff commenced to reviving the man, and looked up at the judge, at which time the judge shrugged and responded “I’ve always wanted to do that.”
Something
Something in the way it fails,
Defies the algorithm’s logic!
Something in the way it coredumps…
I don’t want to leave it now
I’ll fix this problem somehow
Somewhere in the memory I know,
A pointer’s got to be corrupted.
Stepping in the debugger will show me…
I don’t want to leave it now
I’m too close to leave it now
You’re asking me can this code go?
I don’t know, I don’t know…
What sequence causes it to blow?
I don’t know, I don’t know…
Something in the initializing code?
And all I have to do is think of it!
Something in the listing will show me…
I don’t want to leave it now
I’ll fix this tonight I vow!
You’ve ever done your Christmas shopping at a truck stop.
12. You can’t be nailed to the menorah11. More elephants in the Hanukkah story10. No roof damage from reindeer9. Never a silent night when you’re among your Jewish loved ones8. Dance of the Sugar-Plum Rebbe7. Betting Hanukkah gelt on candle races6. Yes, Rivka’le, there is no Santa Claus5. Naked spin-the-dreidel games4. Fun waxy buildup3. No awkward explanations of virgin birth2. Cheer optional1. No Irving Berlin songs (or Mel Torme’ either!)
Stage 1 – SMART This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART. Stage 2 – GOOD LOOKING This is when you realise that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun. Stage 3 – RICH This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armoured truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you will win all your bets. It doesn’t matter how much you bet ‘cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world. Stage 4 – BULLET PROOF You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you’re BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway! Stage 5 – INVISIBLE This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you’re still SMART you know all the words.
Civil Engineers do it in the dirt.
A man comes home from work and walks in his house. Now on top of a really bad day he comes to see his wife in a towel and his bed extreamly messed up. He suspects his wife is cheating on him. The man walked into his room where a naked an stand in hiss balconey. Her husband now in an up roar pushes the naked man out the balconey door.
The husband stomping on the mans hands trying to make him drop. Finally he fell into a great thing of bushes. But he handt died. So the husband took the fridge and threw it out the window. Unfortunately the cord wrapped around the mans ankle and died as well.
The he meets up with god and he says that heaven is full. But “god said” if you tell me the how you died and how bad it was then i will let you in.
The Husband agrees to his offer. The husbands began to explain, well on top of a bad day at work i come home to my wife cheating on me and the man was hanging out my balconey window so i threw the fridge on him and the cord wrapped around my ankle and i died.
God said well that sounds like a really bad day you can go on in.
A second guy comes and god offers him the same. He agrees and begins to tell his story. Well i was doing my daily arobics naked as i always do then i triped and landed on some guys balconey. Then this guy starts cusing at me saying i screwed his wife. I fell out his window and landed in some bushes, but then from no where the man threw a fridge at me and i died.
God replied wow what a horrible day,you can go in.
Then a third guy comes and god offers the same offer he gave the others. The guy agrees and begins to tell his story.
The man begins ” well i was in this fridge…..
This guy sees his new neighbor out in his backyard, so he decides to get
acquainted. After introductions, he asks the new neighbor what he does for a
living.
The new neighbor says,� I�m a professor.” The first neighbor then
asks,”Oh yeah, what do you teach?”
“Logic”, the professor responds. “What is that?” the neighbor #1inquires.
“Well, let me see if I can give you an example…you have a dog, right?”
“Yeah, that’s right, �the neighbor #1 responds.
“And you have children too, right?” says the professor.
“Wow, right again,” exclaims the neighbor.
“So, then you must be married and that would make you a heterosexual, right?”
proclaims the professor.
“Unbelievable, you’re absolutely correct. How do you know all this about me?”
“Well,” the professor says, “I observed there was a dog house in your
backyard, so you must have a dog. I also saw bicycles next to your garage, so
you must have children. And if you have children, you are probably married and
if you�re married, you are most likely heterosexual…it was all logical!”
The next afternoon, the neighbor runs into his old friend. His friend asks if
he has met the new neighbor. The man says that he met him yesterday.
“What’s he like?”
“Well,” the man says, “he’s nice and he is a professor of logic.”
“Oh,” says the friend, “what’s logic?”
“Maybe I can give you an example. Do you have a dog house?”
“Why, no, I do not,” responds the friend. “Well, then,” proclaims the man,
“you must be gay!”
A woman went to the beach with her children. Her 4-year-old son ran up to her, grabbed her hand, and led her to the shore where a dead seagull lay in the sand.
“Mommy, what happened to him?” the little boy asked. “He died and went to heaven,” she replied.
The child thought for a moment and said, “And God threw him back down?”
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. “I’m sorry sir, but I am blind and can’t read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I’ll smell it and order from there.”
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man’s table and hands it to him.
The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. “Ahh, yes that’s what I’ll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes.”
Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner’s wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.
“Sir, remember ? I’m the blind man.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t recognise you. I’ll go get you a dirty fork.”
The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.
After another deep breath, the blind man says, “That smells great, I’ll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli.”
Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he’s going to test him.
The blind man eats and leaves. He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, “Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man.”
Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
“Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you.”
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says,
“Hey! I didn’t know that Mary worked here!”