Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their
right foot as they walk.
As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and
says, Vietnam, 1969.
Author: admin
The Unhappy Nun
The contemplative routine of the convent was being disrupted by the presence of workmen converting the electrical service from overhead lines to buried cable. Mother Superior called the electric company’s complaint department to ask for help.
“The profanity these men use constantly is unsuitable for our community. You must make them stop cursing so much.”, said the nun.
“Very well, sister. But you must make allowances for their habits. Even when they are trying to be tactful, they will still tend to call a spade a spade.”, said the company spokeswoman.
Mother superior then observed, “I think the term they actually use is ‘fucking shovel!'”.
Unemployed Biologist
An unemployed biologist was starving and could not find a job. After weeks of
searching, he finally gets an interview at a local zoo. The zookeeper tells him
that the only job available is to dress up in a gorilla’s suit and pretend to be
a gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo.
On his first day on the job, the poor biologist puts on the outfit and goes
into the cage. The people all cheer to see him. After a while, he starts really
putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring.
During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through
some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies
there stunned, the lion rushes toward him, roaring and snarling. The poor
biologist is terrified and starts screaming, “Help, Help….someone help me!!!!”
The lion races over to him, knocks him to the ground, and quietly whispers
“Hey it’s me Sam, from your mammal class, shut up or we’ll both lose our jobs!”
Golf Lessons
One day, a man came home from work very anxious to tell his wife something. He tells her that his boss has premoted him to a higher placement in his company, and that his boss invited him and his wife to play golf in a few weeks. The wife replied that she didn’t know how to play golf, so her husband signed her up for lessons. So the following week, she went to her first lesson. The insructor explained the way that she was supposed to stand and what position would be best for her. Then he tried to show her how to handle the club, it wasn’t working out very well, so he told her to pretend that the club was her husband’s manhood. At the end of the lesson the instructor said this, “Ma’am, you did very well for your first lesson, but next week let’s try to keep the club out of your mouth.”
Name
This man walks into a bar and two steps he realizes that it’s a gay bar. But the man really wants a drink so he goes in anyway. The man walks up to the bartender and says, “I’d like a beer.” And the bartender replys, “I can’t give you a drink until you tell me the name of your penis.” The man is very confused, so he turns to the guy on his right and asks him, “What’s the name of your penis?” And the guy replys, “Timex…. Takes a lickin’ and keeps on tickin'” So then the man turns to the guy on his left and asks him, “What’s the name of your peinis?” And the man replys, “Energizer… It keeps going and going and…..” So the man finally understands what is going on, and he says to the bartender, “The name of my penis is Secret.” And the bartender asks “Why?” And the man replys, “Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.”
Bush and madmen:
“The most important thing is to find Osama Bin Laden. It is our number one
priority and we will not rest until we find him.” – September 13, 2001 “I don’t
know where he is. I have no idea and I really don’t care. It’s not our
priority.” – March 13, 2002
“There is madmen in the world, and there are terror.”
“A world of madmen and uncertainty and potential mental losses.”
A Hole Behind
A man had to go to a strange town to be the guest speaker at a business meeting. When he arrived at the Motel in town, he found that he had a lot of time before the meeting.
He asked the clerk where the nearest golf course was and was given directions on how to get there.
While playing on the front nine, he was going over the speech in his mind and became confused as to where he was on the course.
Looking around, he saw a Lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and told her about his big meeting and the speech he was to make and his confusion about where he was on the course, asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.
She replied “I’m on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”
He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened. and he approached her again with the same request.
She said “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, So you must be on the 13th.”
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went into the club house where he saw the Lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the Lady.
The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often. He approached her and said, “let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help. I understand that you are a sales lady, well I am in sales also. What do you sell”?
She replied, “if I told you, you would only laugh.” “No I wouldn’t”, he said and persisted that she tell him what she sold.
“Well if you must know”, she answered, “I sell Tampax.”
With that, he fell on the floor and laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said “see I knew you would laugh.”
“That’s not what I’m laughing at” he replied, “I’m a toilet paper salesman, so I’m still a hole behind you!”
New comers
Two women from england moved to America. They decided that since it was a traditional American food they would try there first hot dog.They were talking about how mean it was to kill a helpless dog for food. So they went to a hot dog stand and bought the hot dogs. They found a park bench to sit on and eat there dogs. The first one opens hers and turns bright pink…
and says…..
“what part did you get?”
Etheopian
How do you get 1,000 etheopians into a phone booth?
Put a can of beans in there.
How do you get them out again?
Run away with the can opener.
Whats the fastest thing in the world?
An etheopian with a free lunch pass.
The untited nations sent etheopia 1 million condoms,
etheopia wrote back saying thank you for the sleeping bags.
Ways to confuse a roommate
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.140. Put up flyers around the building, reporting that your roommate is missing. Offer a reward for his/her safe return.
Courting with a Lantern
Pappy sees Elmer walking with a lantern and asks, “Where ya going, boy?”
The son smiled and replied, “I’m a-going courting Peggy-Sue.”
The father said, “When I went a-courtin’, I didn’t need me no dang lantern.”
“Sure Pa, I know,” the boy said. “And look what you got!”
After work drinks
A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am,at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn’t want to wake anyone, sohe takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls overbackwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn’t have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn’t know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage asbest he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed. The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under thecovers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom. “Well, you really tied one on last night,” she said. “Where’d you go?” “I worked late,” he said, “and I stopped off for a couple of beers.” “A couple of beers? That’s a laugh,” she replied. “You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?” “What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?” “Well,” she replied, “my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror.”