Author: admin

Loft

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One day there were 3 amateurs and a pro playing golf. They went up to the
first tee, and the pro went first. He hit it right on the green, 300 yards away.
Then one of the amateurs went up to the tee and it sliced to the right. He asked
the pro, “What causes that?”

“Loft,” he replied. Then the next amateur went up and sliced it to the left.
He asked, “what causes that?” and the pro answered, “loft.”

Then the last amateur went up and hit the ball, and it only went 100 yards
cause it was rolling on the ground. And he also asked, “what causes that?” and
the pro said, “loft.”

One of the amateurs said, “we all hit three different shots, and you said it
was loft — what does loft mean?”

And the pro replied, “lack of f****** talent!”

The angry preacher

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The preacher rose with a red face, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K.

This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this.

Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family!”

No one moved.

The preacher continued, “Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood.

Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression!”

Again, all was quiet.

Slowly a “drop dead” gorgeous blonde with a body that would not stop, rose from the third pew.

Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke.

“Reverend, there has been a terrible misunderstanding.

I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan.
I told a couple of friends you were a wizard under the sheets.”

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Chunks

Magic trick

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A fellow was siting at a bar drinking when a gorgeous blond came in and sat next to him.

After starting talking and a few drinks together, the fellow says to her: ” How about playing the Magician Game ?”

“And what would that be ?”

“We go to my place, have a few drinks, get into bed, have sex and then you……disappear”.

An old man in Phoenix

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An old man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, “I hate to ruin your
day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five
years of misery is enough.”

“Pop, what are you talking about,” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the old man said. “We’re
sick and tired of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call
your sister in Chicago and tell her.” And he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, “Like heck
they’re getting a divorce�, she shouts. “I’ll take care of this.” She calls
Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, “You are NOT getting divorced!
Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back and we’ll
both be there tomorrow. Until then don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” And she
hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay,” he says�,
they�re coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way!!”
A man who forgets his wife’s birthday is certain to get something to remember
her by.

3 holes in the wall

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There once was this man who wanted a hotel room.
he went to the nearest Holiday Inn.

The clerk there said, “Alright this is your room.
The sink is there, dial 9 to get out of
the hotel.
But whatever you do…”

“What?” the man asked.
“Don’t stick your cock in the 3 holes in the wall
over there!” the clerk warned.

“Fine!” the man said.

The man went to bed that night, but couldn’t sleep
wondering about those holes.

He stuck his cock in the first hole and felt an unusually
pleasant sensation, and in all is excitement, stuck it in the
second one, which felt even better than the first.

He then stuck it in the third one, and it was the most painful
one of
all.

It hurt so bad, he passed out.

He woke up to the clerk slapping him.
“Wake up!”

“What happened?” the man asked.

“You stuck your cock in the wall, didn’t you?” the clerk asked.

“Yeah,” the man responded, “what was in the holes? The first two
were good, but the third one hurt like a bitch!”

The clerk responded, “Well, in the first hole was a dog’s ass,
the second hole was my wife, and the third hole was a milking
machine that doesn’t stop until 20 gallons.”

At the Art Gallery

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Miss Paddington is in Paris and is visting “Louvren” the famous
french museum. She looks at the paintings and suddenly she says,
“Is this a dreadful painting or what! I can’t belive that a
respectable place like this could have such a horrible piece of
art in its collection.”

“Pardon, Madame!” one of the staff says, “But it’s not a
painting, it’s a mirror.”

Spider Tim

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One day Tim was riding his car down the empty New York street.
Seeing the street being empty, Tim sped up. Little did he know
that there was a car about to cross the street. Tim crashed and
was killed…

Tim then awoke from his sleep only to find him self in the sky
with clouds all around. Tim was scared and confused, he then
called out, “Hello?!” Tim waited a moment, then a deep GREAT
voice said, “WHO ARE YOU?” Tim said, “I’m Tim…who are YOU?”
The voice said, “I AM GOD!”

“God?…that means I’m…”
“YES TIM…YOU ARE DEAD, BUT YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD YET
TIM…NOT FOR FIVE MORE YEARS.”
“Really?…so can I go back then?”
“OF COURSE YOU CAN TIM.”
“But God, look at me I’m all bloody…Hey! Where’s my arm?!”
“TIM, CALM DOWN, I SHALL TURN YOU INTO A SPIDER.”
“A spider?!”
“A SPIDER AND ONLY A SPIDER!!!!!”
“Ok. Ok. I agree, god.”

Poof! God turned him into a spider

“Now what god?”
God said, “Squeeze your ass. Do this…MMMMMMM!!”
“Push?”
“YES WHEN YOU DO THIS..MMMMMM! YOUR SPIDER WEB SHALL COME OUT.”
“Ok God………MMMMMMMMMMMM!” *POP!* and Tim was now spitting
out spider wed from his ass

“NOW TIM GO DOWN TO EARTH USING YOUR SPIDER WEB.”
And so Tim pushed and pushed and he was going down to earth nice
and calmly while doing this MMMMMMMMMMMM!

Then suddenly Tim heard his wife’s voice, “WAKE UP! WAKE UP!
YOU’RE TAKING A SHIT ON THE BED TIM!!”

Un cura estaba distribuyendo Biblias

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Un cura estaba distribuyendo Biblias para que las personas las vendieran y ayudaran a financiar la remodelaci�n de su iglesia. Un d�a lleg� un tartamudo a ofrecer sus servicios:

“Pa… pa… padre, yo qui… qui… quisiera ayudarle a ve… ve… vender Bi… Biblias”.

Conmovido por su intenci�n de ayudar, el sacerdote le da un lote de Biblias al tartamudo. Por la tarde, al cerrar cuentas, el religioso iba preguntando a sus colaboradores:

“T�, �cu�ntas vendiste?”

“Vend� dos”.

“�Y t�?”

“Vend� una”.

“Y t�, �cu�ntas vendiste?”, le pregunta al tartamudo.

“Yo ve… ve… vend� to… todo”.

“�Todo? Pero, �c�mo pudiste vender tanto?”

“Es si… si… simple. Yo llegaba con la pe… persona y le pre… preguntaba: �Usted va a co… co… comprar un Bi… Bi… Biblia o pre… pre… prefiere que yo se… se lea?”