Q: What do you get when you cross Santa Claus with Rambo?
A: You get a Gung-Ho Ho-Ho that, if your naughty, will be after your ass-Ho.
Author: admin
What To Do If Your Light Bulb Doesn’t Work
What do you do if a light bulb isn’t working?
You have sex with it!
Seven Dwarfs Classic
Six of the seven dwarfs are sitting around the house one day when
Sleepy rushes in and says, “Guess what guys, I’ve won a trip to see the Pope!”
Everyone gets all excited and chants, “We finally get to ask him, we finally get to ask him.”
The next day, they are standing in front of the Pope, Dopey out in front of the other six. All the other six start pushing Dopey and saying, “Go ahead, Dopey, ask him, ask him!”
The Pope looks at Dopey and asks, “Do you have a question to ask me, young man?”
Dopey looks up shyly and says, “Well, yes.”
The Pope tells him to go ahead and ask.
Dopey asks, “Well, do….do they have nuns in Alaska?”
The Pope replies, “Well, yes, I’m sure we have nuns in Alaska.”
The others all keep nudging Dopey and chanting, “Ask him the rest, Dopey, ask him the rest!”
The Pope asks Dopey if there’s more to his question, and Dopey continues, “Well, uh, do they have, uh, black nuns in Alaska?”
To which the Pope replies, “Well, my son, I think there must be a few black nuns in Alaska, yes.”
Still not satisfied, the others keep saying, “Ask him the last part, Dopey, ask him the last part!”
The Pope asks Dopey, “Is there still more to your question?”
To which Dopey replies, “Well, uh, yeah…..are there, uh, are there any midget black nuns in Alaska?”
The startled Pope replies, “Well, no, my son, I really don’t think there are any midget black nuns in Alaska.”
At this, Dopey turns all kinds of colors, and the others start laughing, and yelling…
“Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin!”
Say and Think
What doctors say, and what they’re really thinking:
“This should be taken care of right away.”
I’d planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.
“Welllllll, what have we here…?”
He has no idea and is hoping you’ll give him a clue.
“Let me check your medical history.”
I want to see if you’ve paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.
“Why don’t we make another appointment later in the week.”
I’m playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time.
–or–
I need the bucks, so I’m charging you for another office visit.
“We have some good news and some bad news.”
The good news is, I’m going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you’re going to pay for it.
“Let’s see how it develops.”
Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.
“Let me schedule you for some tests.”
I have a forty percent interest in the lab.
“I’d like to have my associate look at you.”
He’s going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.
“I’d like to prescribe a new drug.”
I’m writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.
“If it doesn’t clear up in a week, give me a call.”
I don’t know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.
“That’s quite a nasty looking wound.”
I think I’m going to throw up.
“This may smart a little.”
Last week two patients bit off their tongues.
“Well, we’re not feeling so well today, are we…?”
I’m stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?
“This should fix you up.”
The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.
“Everything seems to be normal.”
Rats! I guess I can’t buy that new beach condo after all.
“I’d like to run some more tests.”
I can’t figure out what’s wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.
“Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?”
You’re crazier’n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who’ll split fees with me …
“There is a lot of that going around.”
My God, that’s the third one this week. I’d better learn something about this.
“If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment.”
I’ve never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I’m off next week.
Repairman
The little sexy housewife was built so well the TV repairman couldn’t keep his eyes off of her.
Every time she came in the room, he’d near about jerk his neck right out of joint looking at her.
When he’d finished she paid him and said, “I’m going to make a . . . well . . . unusual request. But you have to first promise me you’ll keep it a secret.”
The repairman quickly agreed and she went on. “Well, it’s kind of embarrassing to talk about, but while my husband is a kind, decent man, ‘sigh’, he has a certain physical weakness. A certain disability. Now, I’m a woman and you’re a man . . . “
The repairman could hardly speak, “Yes…yes!”
“And since I’ve been wanting to ever since you came in the door…”
“Yes… yes!”
“Would you help me move the refrigerator?”
Disgraced family
A young girl was going on a date.
Her grandmother said, “Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys.”
“He is going to try and kiss you, you are going to like that, but don’t let him do that.
He is going to try and feel your breast, you are going to like that but don’t let him do that.
But most important, he is going to try and get on top of you to have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don’t let him do that.
It will disgrace the family.”
With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date.
The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had predicted, “Grandma, I didn’t let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I just turned over, got on top of him, and disgraced HIS family…”
Granny fainted!
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo
Labels
A Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system
wouldn’t read word processing files from his old diskettes. The customer had
stuck labels on the diskettes. Then rolled them into his typewriter to type on
the labels.
Miscellanous
what do you call a mexican baptism? Bean dip!
Tonto & the Lone Ranger
The Lone Ranger and Tonto were riding around one day when Tonto jumps off his horse and puts his ear to the ground.
The Lone Ranger looks puzzled a minute and asks Tonto what the problem is.
Tonto stands up and says “Buffalo come.”
“How do you know that?” asks the Lone Ranger.
“Ear sticky.”
Business Smarts
The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read:
BEST DEALS.
He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading:
LOWEST PRICES.
The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea.
He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop … It read:
MAIN ENTRANCE.
Diary
DEAR DIARY
Day 1.
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate.
When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in
the bathroom and cried.
Day 2.
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He’s impotent, he says,
and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn’t he tell me
something I don’t know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven’t noticed.
Day 3.
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a
picture of Nelson’s Column and burst into tears.
Day 4.
A miracle has happened! There’s a new drug on the market that will fix
his ‘problem.’ It’s called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra,
things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this
will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift
something other than his mood.
Day 5.
What absolute bliss!!.
Day 6.
Isn’t life wonderful but it’s difficult to write while he’s doing that.
Day 7.
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at
Burger King, the manager asked me if I’d like a Whopper. He thought they
were talking about him. But, have to admit it’s very nice – I don’t
think I’ve ever been so happy.
Day 8.
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing
the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed whacker. I’m also
getting a bit sore down there.
Day 9.
No time to write. He might catch me.
Day 10.
Okay, I admit it. I’m hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And
to make matters worse, he’s washing the Viagra down with neat whisky!
What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over….
Day 11.
I’m basically being screwed to death. It’s like living with a Black and
Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my
armpits hurt. He’s a complete pig.
Day 12.
I wish he was gay. I’ve stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or
even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become
dangerous ..
Day 13.
Every time I shut my eyes, there’s a sneak attack! It’s like going to
bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that “Oops,
sorry” thing again, I’ll kill the bastard.
Day 14.
I’ve done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started
dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me.
Day 15.
I think I’ll have to kill him. I’m starting to stick to everything I sit
on. The cat and dog won’t go near him and our friends don’t come over
any more. Last night I told him to go and fuck himself and he did.
Day 16.
The bastard has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody
thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going
back on Prozac.
Day 17.
Switched the pills but it doesn’t seem to have made any
difference……Christ !!! here he comes again.
Day 18.
He’s back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all
day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything
for him. What absolute bliss!!.
Submitted by Curtis
Ring ring
yo mamma is so dirty her bath tub got more rings than jupiter.