Author: admin

Blonde,brown,red head

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there was a blonde a brown and a red head they tried to get into the army but the army said no so they went in army bag but they got caught so the army hung them up on the wall the army said they were going to shoot them so the red said volcano volcano and she ran away then the brown said earth quake earth quake and she got away so the blonde said fire fire so they shot her

Thoughts to ponder

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1. If a deaf child swears, in sign, does his mother wash his hands with soap? 2. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill themselves, is it considered a hostage situation? 3. Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow? Only to become troubled and insecure?4. Is there another word for synonym?5. Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do ‘practice’?6. When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?7. When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away? 8. Where do forest rangers go to ‘get away from it all’?9. Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?10. Why do they report power outages on TV?11. What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?12. Is it possible to be totally partial?13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?16. Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?17. If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?18. If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?19. If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?20. When it rains, why don’t sheep shrink?21. Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?22. If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?23. When companies ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

Communication Problem

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About five years ago the battery in my beat-up VW Beetle had died because I left the lights on overnight. I was in a hurry to get to work on time so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me a hand to start the car. I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start it. I pointed out to her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 30 mph for it to start.
She said fine, hoped into her car and drove off.

I sat there fuming wondering what she could be doing.

A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rearview mirror coming at me at about 40 mph, I realized that I should have been a bit clearer with my directions.

Stages of drunkenness

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Stage 1 – SMART

This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.

Stage 2 – GOOD LOOKING

This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 – RICH

This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you win all your bets. It doesn’t matter how much you bet ‘cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

Stage 4 – BULLET PROOF

You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you’re BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!

Stage 5 – INVISIBLE

This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you’re still SMART you know all the words.

Alabama License Application

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Last name: _________________
First name:
(Check appropriate box)
[_] billy bob [_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue

Age: ______ (if unsure, guess)

Sex: _____M_____F_____Not sure

Shoe Size: _____Left_____Right

Occupation:
[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress
[_] Unemployed [_] Dirty Politician

Spouse’s Name_________________________
2nd Spouse’s Name: _________________
3rd Spouse’s Name: _________________

Lover’s Name: ________________________
2nd Lover’s Name: ___________________

Relationship to spouse:
[_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother [_] Uncle
[_] Mother [_] Son
[_] Father [_] Daughter
[_] Cousin [_] Pet

Number of children living in household: _____
Number of children living in shed: _____
Number that are yours: _____

Mother’s Name: ___________________
Father’s Name: ___________________ (If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?
___ Total number of vehicles that you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Where your firearms are kept:
[_] truck [_] kitchen
[_] bedroom [_] bathroom
[_] shed

Model and year of your pickup: _______ 194_

Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No; if no, please explain:
_____________________

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] National Enquirer [_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Rifle and Shotgun

___ Number of times you’ve seen a UFO
___ Number of times you’ve seen Elvis
___ Number of times you’ve seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not applicable

Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown [_] Black
[_] N/A
How many?_____

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: [_] Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 200-400 miles
[_] over 400 miles
[_] what’s a miles?