A Koala walks into a bar. A hooker comes up to the Koala and says, “hey hairy, want a date?” The Koala says sure, and they sit in a booth in the corner.The hooker and the Koala start to get-it-on and end up with the Koala performing oral sex on the hooker. Afterwards the hooker tries to get her money, but the Koala refuses. “Hey,” says the hooker, “don’t you know the definition of a hooker?” And the Koala says, “No, sorry, I don’t.” And the hooker says, “it’s someone who has sex for money.” And the Koala says, “Well I guess you don’t know the definition of a Koala.” “What’s that?” asks the hooker. “An animal that eats bushes and leaves.”
Author: admin
Lunch money
MOTHER: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?
JUNIOR : You said it was my lunch money.
Ode To Bean
There was a young girl named Maxine
Who found a new use for the bean.
As a vaginal bearing
She found it long-wearing,
And it varied her fucking routine.
Women’s T-Shirt Sayings!
* I’m out of estrogen. I have a gun.
* Guys have feelings, too. But like… who cares?
* I don’t believe in miracles. I rely on them.
* Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
* I hate everybody, and you’re next.
* Please don’t make me kill you.
* And your point is …
* I used to be schizophrenic, but we’re OK now.
* I’m busy. You’re ugly. Have a nice day.
* Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
* Remember my name – you’ll be screaming it later.
* You KNOW you want me.
* Don’t worry. It’ll only seem kinky the first time.
* Of course I don’t look busy. . I did it right the first time.
* Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
* I’m multitalented: I can talk and annoy you at the same time.
* Do NOT start with me. You won’t win.
* You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
* All stressed out and no one to choke.
* I’m one of those bad things that happen to good people.
* How can I miss you if you won’t go away?
* Sorry if I looked interested. I’m not.
* If we are what we eat, I’m fast, cheap and easy.
* Nobody knows I’m not wearing underwear.
* Don’t make me mad. I’m running out of places to hide the bodies.
* Objects Under This Shirt ARE Larger Than They Appear.
CLINTON, GORE, AND BUSH FACE FIRING SQUAD
Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and George W. Bush were set to face a firing squad
in a small Central American country. Bill Clinton was the first one placed
against the wall and just before the order was given he yelled out,
“Earthquake!” The firing squad fell into a panic and Bill jumped over the wall
and escaped in the confusion.
Al Gore was the second one placed against the wall. The squad was
reassembled and Al pondered what he had just witnessed. Again before the order
was given Al yelled out, “Tornado!” Again the squad fell apart and Al slipped
over the wall.
The last person, George W. Bush, was placed against the wall. He was
thinking, “I see the pattern here, just scream out something about a disaster
and hop over the wall.” He confidently refused the blindfold as the firing squad
was reassembled. As the rifles were raised in his direction he grinned from ear
to ear and yelled, “Fire!”
5 polocks
Five Polacks walk into a bar. They
look around then pull their pants down and they all start to masterbate. The bartender
says “what the hell are you guys doing?”
They all point to a sign on the wall which
reads “first come first served”.
Enchanted Rattlesnak
It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy’s horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake.”Hold on there, partner,” said the snake, “don’t shoot- I’m an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don’t shoot me, I’ll give you any three wishes you want.”The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake’s striking range. He said, “OK, first, I’d like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I’d like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I’d like sexual equipment like this here horse I’m riding.”The rattlesnake said, “All right, when you get back to the bunk house you’ll have all three wishes.”The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror.Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable. He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted, “Oh no! I was riding the mare!”
Complimentary Nuts
A guy is sitting at a bar eating the nuts in the bowl that are
on the counter. As he looks down he notices that there was a nut
talking to him. As he gets closer he can hear what it is saying
to him, it says, “Hey your one good looking guy!” Another nut
said, “Yeah and I bet you’re rich too!”
The man asks the bartender, “What’s up with those nuts?” The
bartender just replies, “They are complimentary nuts.”
Contraceptive98
News just in of Microsoft’s latest venture: Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating every aspect of American life with the introduction of Contraceptive98, a suite of applications designed for users who engage in sex. Microsoft has been a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug and play.
It believes these technologies will give it substantial leverage in penetrating the copulation enhancement market.The product addresses two important user concerns: the need for virus protection and the need for a firewall to ensure the non-propagation of human beings.
The Contraceptive98 suite consists of three products: Condom98, DeFetus 1.0 (from Sementec), and AIDScan 2.1 (from Norton Utilities). A free copy of Intercourse Explorer 4.0 is bundled in the package. The suite also comes in two expanded versions. Contraceptive98 Professional is the Client/Server edition, for professionals in the sexual services sector. Contraceptive98 Small Business Edition is a package for startups, aimed at the housewife and gigolo niches.
While Contraceptive98 does not address nontraditional copulatory channels, future plug-ins are planned for next year.
OPERATION: Only one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs to install the package.
At installation, the Condom98 software checks for minimum hardware. If the user meets the requirements, the product installs and is sufficiently scaleable to meet most requirements. After installation, operation commences. One caution is that the user must have sufficient RAM to complete the session. When the session is complete, a disconnect is initiated, and the user gets the message, it is now safe to turn off your partner.
DRAWBACKS: Usability testers report that frequent failures were a major concern during beta testing. General Protection Fault was the most serious error encountered. Early versions had numerous bugs, but most of these have been eliminated. The product needs to be installed each time its used.
CONCLUSION: Contraceptive98 is a robust product. Despite its drawbacks, it is reasonably good value for its $49.95 price tag, and is far superior to its shareware version. Hopefully, future releases (of the software, that is) will add missing functionality, such as Backout and Restore, uninterruptible Power Supply, and Onboard Camera.
Microsoft CEO Bill Gates is optimistic about “Our contraceptive products will help users do to each other what we’ve been doing to our customers for years.”
What Gets Bigger and Bigger?
Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl’s junior college, said during class, “Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions.”
Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, “Mr. Perkins, I don’t think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this!” With that she sat down red-faced.
Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question.
Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, “The pupil of the eye, in dim light.”
“Correct,” said Mr. Perkins. “And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you.
“One, you have not studied your lesson.
“Two, you have a dirty mind.
“And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment.”
Poor school kid!
One day little jonny came back from school and said to his mam ‘
Mam, all the kids at school say i have a big head!’
‘U ain’t got a big head son!’ said his mam ‘Now go and get me a
six pound of potatoes.’
‘Have you got a bag?’
‘Just put ’em in u’r hat!’
Worst Dream of your
Andy: “Doc, I had the worst dream of my life last night. I dreamed I was with twelve of the most beautiful chorus girls in the world. Blondes, brunettes, redheads, all dancing in a row.”Psychiatrist: “Hold it, Andy. That doesn’t sound so terrible.”Andy: Oh yeah? In the dream, I was the third girl from the end.”