Author: admin

Karen loved the golf game but was not very good at it. She was out on the links one day, playing with her husband John. As usual, every time she swung at the ball, she made the earth beneath it fly every which way! “My goodness, John,” she said, blushing at her ineptitude, “I bet the worms think there’s an earthquake going on.””Don’t be so sure, Karen. The worms on this course are mighty smart. My guess is that most of them are hiding beneath your golf ball for safety.”

What do you call an afghan virgin

Mever bin laid on

During a recent staff meeting in Heaven, God, Moses, and Saint Peter
concluded that the behavior of President Clinton and Rep. Condit had
brought about the need for an eleventh commandment.

They worked long and hard in a brain storming �session to try to settle on
the wording of the new commandment, because they realized that it should
have the same style, majesty and dignity as the original ten.

After many revisions, they finally agreed that the�eleventh commandment
should be:

“Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff.”

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is, to shake hands.

He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, “You need to join the Army of the Lord!”

My friend replied, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.”

Pastor questioned, “How come I don’t see you except at Christmas and Easter?”

He whispered back, “I’m in the secret service.”

An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of
water. It gets so bad that his camel dies of thirst. He’s crawling through the
sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees a
shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers that he has
a Manischevitz wine bottle. It appears that there may be a drop or two left in
the bottle, so he unscrews the top and out pops a genie. But, this is no
ordinary genie. This genie appears to be a Hassidic rabbi, complete with black
alpaca coat, black hat, side curls, etc.
“Well, kid,” says the genie. “You know how it works. You have three wishes.”
“I’m not going to trust you,” says the Arab. “I’m not going to trust a Jewish
genie!”
“What do you have to lose? It looks like you’re a goner anyway!” The Arab
thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. “OK, I
wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink.”
***POOF***
The Arab finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen and he is
surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
“OK, kid, what’s your second wish.” “My second wish is that I were rich
beyond my wildest dreams. “
***POOF***
The Arab finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold
coins and precious gems. “OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it
a good one!” After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says: “I wish I were
white and surrounded by beautiful women. “
***POOF***
The Arab is turned into a Tampax.

The moral of the story is: Be careful of what you wish for there may be a
string attached.

Some of life’s truisms…

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Change is inevitable….except from vending machines.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route.

You’re so ugly, everytime your mother looks at you she says to herself,
“Damn, I should’ve just given head!!!”