Brenda O’Malley is home making dinner as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. “Brenda, may I come in?” he asks. “I’ve somethin’ to tell ya.” “Of course you can come in. You’re always welcome, Tim. But where’s my husband?” “That’s what I’m here to be tellin’ ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery.” “Oh, God no!” cries Brenda. “Please don’t tell me…” “I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I’m sorry.” Finally, she looked up at Tim. “How did it happen, Tim?” “It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned.” Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?” “Well, no Brenda, no.” “No?” “Fact is, he got out three times to pee.”
Author: admin
Emergency Call
A doctor answers his phone and hears the familiar voice of a
colleague on the other end of the line.
“We need a fourth for poker,” said the friend.
“I’ll be right over,” whispered the doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, “Is it serious?”
“Oh yes, quite serious,” said the doctor gravely. “In fact,
there are three doctors there already!”
Feline Fasting
Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those us who have never had any success dieting. Well now there is the new Miracle Cat Diet! This diet will also work on humans! Except for cats that eat like people — such as getting lots of table scraps — most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). the Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just follow this diet for one week and you’ll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what constitutes food. Good Luck!
DAY ONE
Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavor as long as it cost more the .75 per can — and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room.
Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house.
Dinner: Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost dead. Eat one wing. Leave the rest to die.
Bedtime snack: Steal one green bean from your spouse’s or partner’s plate. Bat it around the floor until it goes under the refrigerator. Steal one small piece of chicken and eat half of it. Leave the other half on the sofa. Throw out the remaining gourmet cat food from the can you opened this morning.
DAY TWO
Breakfast: Picking up the remaining chicken bite from the sofa. Knock it onto the carpet and bat it under the television set. Chew on the corner of the newspaper as your spouse/partner tries to read it.
Lunch: Break into the fresh French bread that you bought as your part of the dinner party on Saturday. Lick the top of it all over. Take one bite out of the middle of the loaf.
Afternoon snack: Catch a large beetle and bring it into the house. Play toss and catch with it until it is mushy and half dead. Allow it to escape under the bed.
Dinner: Open a fresh can of dark-colored gourmet cat food — tuna or beef works well. Eat it voraciously. Walk from your kitchen to the edge of the living room rug. Promptly throw up on the rug. Step into it as you leave. Track footprints across the entire room.
DAY THREE
Breakfast: Drink part of the milk from your spouse’s or partner’s cereal bowl when no one is looking. Splatter part of it on the closest polished aluminum appliance you can find.
Lunch: Catch a small bird and bring it into the house. Play with on top of your down filled comforter. Make sure the bird is seriously injured but not dead before you abandon it for someone else to have to deal with.
Dinner: Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream or milk in a bowl of your own. Take three licks/laps and then turn the bowl over on the floor.
FINAL DAY
Breakfast: Eat 6 bugs, any type, being sure to leave a collection of legs, wings, antennae on the bathroom floor. Drink lots of water. Throw the bugs and all of the water up on your spouse’s or partner’s pillow.
Lunch: Remove the chicken skin from last night’s chicken-to-go leftovers your spouse or partner placed in the trash can. Drag the skin across the floor several times. Chew it in a corner and then abandon.
Dinner: Open another can of expensive gourmet cat food. Select a flavor that is especially runny, like Chicken and Giblets in Gravy. Lick off all the gravy and leave the actual meat to dry and get hard.
What a Bastard…
At a resort, a fellow walks up to an older fellow who is sitting in the sun, sipping iced tea.
Younger guy says – “Hey, you gonna just sit around all day? How about it if you join me for a round of golf.”
“Nah,” the older fellow replies, “tried it once, didn’t like it.”
“Well then,” younger fellow asks “how about a swim? It might be just as refreshing as your iced tea there.”
“Nah,” the older fellow responds, “tried it once, didn’t like it. But if you’re game for tennis, my son will be here soon and is usually up for a game or two – you might want to play with him.”
Younger fellow replies: “Your only child I presume?”
Do you need a silencer
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
Blonde in Freezer
Q: What do you call a blonde in the freezer?
A: A Frosted Flake.
A sick man
A guy works a new job on thursday and friday. on monday he calls in and says,
“i can’t come in today. i’m sick.”
he works the rest of the week, but the following monday he calls in and says,
“i can’t come in today. i’m sick.”
the boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, “he’s great. he
does the work of two men. we need him.”
so the boss calls the guy into his office, and says, “you seem to have a
problem getting to work on mondays. you’re a good worker and i’d hate to fire
you. what’s the problem? anything we can help you with? drugs? alcohol?”
the guy says, “no, i don’t drink or do drugs. but my brother-in-law drinks
every weekend, and then beats on my sister. so every monday morning, i go over
to make sure she’s all right. she puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one
thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, i’m f****** her.”
the boss says, “you f*** your sister?”
the guy says, “hey, i told you i was sick�.
Yo mama is so fat
Yo mama so fat we went to the drive-in and didn’t have to pay because we dressed her as a Chevrolet.
“Cari�o, invit� a un amigo
“Cari�o, invit� a un amigo a cenar”, dice el marido a su esposa.
“�Qu�? �Est�s loco? �La casa es un desastre, no he ido de compras,
todos los platos est�n sucios y no tengo ganas de cocinar!”
“Ya s� todo eso”.
“�Entonces por qu� invitaste a tu amigo a cenar?”
“�Es que el pobre tonto est� pensando en casarse!”
2 Hedgehogs in the Middle of the Road
Two hedgehogs are in the middle of the road and they’re by a zebra crossing.
One says, “Don’t cross here!”
The other one says, “Why not?”
The first one says, “Look what happened to this zebra!”
Did you hear about the blonde who stayed up…
Did you hear about the blonde who stayed up all night studying for her urine
exam?
Looking for Bob
A man was looking all over town to find a friend of his. He walked down the street and came to a barber shop. He stuck his head inside and asked, “Bob Peters here?”
The barber replied, “Nah, we just do shaves and haircuts.”