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En un examen oral de Ciencias Naturales, el profesor pregunta a una alumna sobre la parte del cuerpo que puede dilatarse hasta aumentar siete veces su tama�o.
“Profesor, lo siento, pero no me atrevo a pronunciar esa palabra”, dice la alumna, sonrojada.
“Pues bien, sepa usted que tiene un cero y mucha imaginaci�n. La parte del cuerpo a que me refiero son las pupilas y me temo que cuando llegue el d�a, usted se va a llevar una gran decepci�n”.
A boy from France comes to America. He wants to learn some new words so he
goes to the airport and learns “take off.” Then he learns “zebra” from the zoo
and “baby” from the hospital. Then he goes home and says, ”Mommy, I learned new
words today.” She says, “Great, honey what did you learn?” He says,
”Takeoffzebrababy!”
What do you call a smart blonde?
An indicator of a really bad hangover.
Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father
goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.
The son comes running up to his mom and says, “Mommy, I saw ladies with
boobies a lot bigger than yours!”
The mom says, “The bigger they are, the dumber they are.”
So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says,
“Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy’s!”
The mom says, “The bigger they are, the dumber they are.”
So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says,
“Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and
more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!”
3 ppl on a cliff jon jak and lorain jak and jon pushed her off and sung i can c clearly now lorain has gon
G. W. Bush, Tony Blair and a couple of other people are having a dinner at
White House. Bush and Blair are talking and talking until on of the other guests
is asking G.W. Bush: “What are you talking about?”
Bush: “We are planning World War III”.
The guest: “So what exactly are you planning?”
Bush: “We’re going to kill about 40 Million Muslims an one dentist.”
The guest: “Why are you killing a dentist?”
Bush to Tony Blair: “See what I said? Nobody will be asking for the muslims.”
”My God! What happened to you?” the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in
on a crutch, one arm in a cast.
”I got in a tiff with Riley.”
”Riley? He’s just a wee fellow,” the barkeep said, surprised. ”He must have
had something in his hand.”
��that he did,” Kelly said. ”A shovel it was.”
”Dear Lord. Didn’t you have anything in your hand?”
”Aye, that I did — Mrs. Riley’s tit.” Kelly said. ”And a beautiful thing
it was, but not much use in a fight.”
blonde has been working in a broom factory since childhood, despite the
state’s strict anti-child labor laws, and has always been a good worker. But one
day, she storms into her boss’ office.
“I quit! That’s it, I’m not working here anymore!”
“Why?” asks the boss. “What’s the problem?”
“I’ve been working here for so long that I’ve grown the broom bristles between
my legs. I can’t take it anymore.”
“Listen,” the boss says. “That’s perfectly normal. Look, I have those too.”
“Oh, my God!” she exclaims. “It’s worse than I thought! You’ve also grown a
broom handle!”
So a mathematician, an engineer, and a physicist are out hunting together. They spy a deer(*) in the woods.The physicist calculates the velocity of the deer and the effect of gravity on the bullet, aims his rifle and fires. Alas, he misses; the bullet passes three feet behind the deer. The deer bolts some yards, but comes to a halt, still within sight of the trio.”Shame you missed,” comments the engineer, “but of course with an ordinary gun, one would expect that.” He then levels his special deer-hunting gun, which he rigged together from an ordinary rifle, a sextant, a compass, a barometer, and a bunch of flashing lights which don’t do anything but impress onlookers, and fires. Alas, his bullet passes three feet in front of the deer, who by this time wises up and vanishes for good.”Well,” says the physicist, “your contraption didn’t get it either.””What do you mean?” pipes up the mathematician.”Between the two of you, that was a perfect shot!”———-(*) How they knew it was a deer:The physicist observed that it behaved in a deer-like manner, so it must be a deer.The mathematician asked the physicist what it was, thereby reducing it to a previously solved problem.The engineer was in the woods to hunt deer, therefore it *was* a deer.
While walking down the street one day, a Republican head of state is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
“Welcome to Heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”
“No problem, just let me in.” says the Republican.
“Well, I’d like to but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”
“Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,” says the Republican head of state.
“I’m sorry but we have our rules.” And with that, St. Peter escorts the Republican to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him, everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil (a Republican, too), who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.
They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator
rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
“Now it’s time to visit Heaven.” So 24 hours pass with the Republican head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
“Well then, you’ve spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity.”
He reflects for a minute, then the head of state answers: “Well, I would never have thought it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell.”
So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to the Republican and lays an arm on his neck.
“I don’t understand,” stammers the Republican head of state. Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, “Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!”
Q. Were you acquainted with the deceased?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?
This guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex.”Doc, I think my dick is just too damn small,” he says. The doctor asks him which drink he prefers.”Well, American beer,” he replies quite bemused.”Aaaahhh. There’s your problem, it shrinks things, those silly American beers… you should try drinking Guinness. That makes things grow.” Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face. He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him.”I take it you now drink Guinness?” asked the doctor.”Oh no, Doc,” replies the man, “but I’ve got the wife on American beer!”