Q: How many liberals does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: One liberal and twenty eight delegates representing all the social, economic, and ethnic communities.
Author: admin
Capital Punishment
Mrs. Hunter was called to serve for jury duty, but asked to be excused because she didn’t believe in capital punishment and didn’t want her personal feelings prevent justice from running its proper course. But the public defender liked her thoughtfulness, and tried to convince her that she should serve on the jury.
“Madam,” he explained, “This is not a murder trial! It’s a simple civil lawsuit. A wife is bringing this case against her husband because he gambled away the $21,000 he had promised to use to remodel the kitchen for her birthday.”
“Well, okay,” agreed Mrs. Hunter. “I’ll serve. I suppose I could be wrong about capital punishment after all!”
Selling the Green Suit…
A man who isn’t qualified keeps pestering this tailor about giving him a job selling suits. Finally, the owner tells him if he can sell this one green suit he will give him a job.
Another employee points out to owner that they have had that suit on the rack for four years, and that it is such an ugly, green suit that nobody would ever buy it.
The owner replies, “Yah, I know. That’s my way of getting rid of that pest!”
Two hours later the new guy calls his boss for his next assignment.
The owner cannot believe it and heads down to the store to see how this fellow did it. Upon arrival he sees his new salesman bleeding, scratched, and his clothes torn in several places, but smiling.
“Congratulations, the job is yours! Nobody has come close to selling that old, ugly, green suit.
But tell me, what in the world happened to you?”
“Well, replied the salesman, the guy that bought the suit loved it… said it fit him great.
As far as my injuries go, he had this really sensitive seeing-eye dog!”
Yo mama so fat…
Her nickname is “DAMN”
she eats Wheat Thicks.
people jog around her for exercise.
she went to the movies and sat next to everyone.
she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors.
when she sits in the classroom, she sits beside everybody.
she was floating in the ocean and spain claimed her for the new world.
she put on a red tee shirt and all the little kids said “Kool-Aid, Kool-Aid”.
they wrote a book about her, It was called Moby Dick.
she lay on the beach and people run around yelling Free Willy.
she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu and says “okay!”
when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said “Taxi!”
she had to go to Sea World to get baptized
she got to iron her pants on the driveway
she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller
when she tripped over on 4th Ave, she landed on 12th
when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too
the highway patrol made her wear “Caution! Wide Turn”
when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE!
when she steps on a scale, it read “one at a time, please”
she fell in love and broke it.
when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.
when she gets on the scale it says we don’t do livestock.
her neck looks like a pair of hot dogs!
she’s got her own area code!
she looks like she’s smuggling a Volkswagen!
God couldn’t light Earth till she moved!
NASA has to orbit a satellite around her!
whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in!
when she plays hopscotch, she goes New York, L.A., Chicago…
she’s got Amtrak written on her leg.
even Bill Gates couldn’t pay for her liposuction!
I had to take a train and two buses just to get on the bitch’s good side!
she wakes up in sections!
when she goes to an amusement park, people try to ride HER!
she sat on a quarter and a booger shot out of George Washington’s nose.
when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun!
she jumped up in the air and got stuck!
she got more chins than a Chinese phone book!
that her senior pictures had to be arial views!
she’s on both sides of the family!
everytime she walks in high heels, she strikes oil!
she fell and made the Grand Canyon!
she sat on the beach and Greenpeace threw her in!
that when she hauls ass, she has to make two trips!
even her clothes have stretch marks!
she has a wooden leg with a kickstand!
when she rides in a hot air balloon, it looks like she’s wearin tights!
she got hit by a parked car!
they have to grease the bath tub to get her out!
she has a run in her blue-jeans!
they use the elastic in her underwear for bungee jumping
when they used her underwear elastic for bungee jumping, they hit the ground.
she has to buy two airline tickets.
she influences the tides.
that when I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas.
the animals at the zoo feed her.
she was baptized at Marine World.
when she dances at a concert the whole band skips.
she stands in two time zones.
sets off car alarms when she runs.
she cant reach her back pocket.
when she wears a Malcomn X T-shirt, helicopters try to land on her back!
she uses redwoods to pick her teeth
she stepped on a rainbow and made Skittles.
she hoola-hooped the super bowl.
when she got hit by a bus, she said, “Who threw that rock?”
when she stands in a left-turn lane it gives her the green arrow!
that when whe was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks.
the National Weather Agency has to assign names to her farts!
we went to the drive-in and didn’t have to pay because we dressed her as a Chevrolet.
she was Miss Arizona — class Battleship
she accidently got a 747 caught in her teeth
to her “light food” means under 4 Tons
The Himalayas are practices runs to prepare for her
she went on a date with high heels on and came back with sandals!
she stepped on a talking scale and it told her to get off!
she was zoned for commercial development
she won “Miss Bessie the Cow 94”
she has her own brand of jeans: FA – FatAss Jeans
Yo mama so fat . . . she’s fat!
God can’t lift her spirits!
she played Free Willy’s stunt double.
when she falls in the Grand Canyon, she gets stuck.
I saw her on top of the Empire State building snatching at airplanes.
she got an actual size tattoo of the projects on her butt.
that when she drives on the interstate, she has to stop at the weigh station.
when she jumps off the high dive she shows up on radar.
uses a freeway for a slip and slide.
her belt size is equator.
that people wish to buy food 100% “Yo Mama Free”
they won’t allow her on most bridges.
On straight
Mr. Smith was always embarrassed that his wife never wore underwear.
One winter she caught a bad cold.
So Mr. Smith called the doctor.
He told him, my wife has a horrible cold and she has a horrible habit of never wearing underwear.
So when the doctor came to their house the doctor looked down her throat. He said, “You should really start wearing underwear. “
Mrs. Smith asked, “If you can tell I’m not wearing underwear by looking down my throat, can you look up my asshole and tell me if my hat’s on straight?”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
2 guys walk into bar…
2 guys walk into a bar. how do u know its a gay bar? cuz the weiners taste like shit
Yo Mama
Yo Mama is so skinny so has to use a condom for a sleeping bag
Fluctuations
Two brothers, Ying and Yang, wandering down a street in America with arms full of purchases and cameras swinging from their necks, one of the brothers slips into the bank to exchange 30,000 yen into dollars.Ying: ‘I wan to change 30,000 yen for dollar, bow much I get?’ Teller: ‘Oh, you will get $8000.’ Ying: �Fank you very much.’ Teller: ‘You’re welcome,’ and hands Ying the $8000. Ying and Yang carry on doing copious amounts of shopping until Yang says he is a little low on local currency. So Ying told Yang to go to the same bank and get a good deal. So off Yang goes. Yang: ‘I wan to change 30,000 yen for dollar. Now much I get?’ Teller: ‘Oh, you will get $6000. ‘ Yang: ‘Only $6000! But how cum my broffer, just a few hour ago, get $8000?’ Teller: ‘Fluctuations.’ Yang: ‘Well, fluck you Yankees too!’
Q. What’s worse than a male chauvinist pig?…
Q. What’s worse than a male chauvinist pig?
A. A woman that won’t do what she’s told.
The Soldier and the Dog
An WWII American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe
for three months, when he was finally given a week of R&R. He
caught a supply boat to a supply base in the south of England,
then caught a train to London.
The train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat. He
was dead on his feet and walked the length of the train looking
for any place to sit down. Finally he found a compartment with
seats facing each other; there was room for two people on each
seat. On one side sat only a proper looking, older British lady,
with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her.
“Could I please sit in that seat?” he asked. The lady looked
down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, “You Americans
are so rude” she said, “Can’t you see my dog is sitting there?”
He walked through the train more and still could not find a
seat. He found himself back at the same place. “Lady, I love
dogs – have a couple at home so I would be glad to hold your dog
if I can just sit down” he said. The lady wrinkled her nose and
snorted, “You Americans are not only rude, you are arrogant.”
He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he
finally said, “Lady, I’ve been on the front lines in Europe for
three months with not a decent rest for all that time. Could I
just please sit there and hold your dog?” The lady replied, “You
Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you are also
obnoxious.”
With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped it, picked up the
dog, threw it out the window and sat down. The lady was
speechless.
An older neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other
seat spoke up. “Young man, I do not know if all you Americans
fit the lady’s description of you or not. But I do know that you
Americans do a lot of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side
of the road, you hold your fork with the wrong hand, and now you
have just thrown the wrong bitch out of the window!”
Orchestra joke
Q: Why are conductors’ hearts popular for transplants?A: They’ve had little use.
Un hombre entra en un
Un hombre entra en un hospital para ser operado de las dos piernas. Cuando despierta, despu�s de la intervenci�n, el cirujano que lo oper� le comenta:
“Tenemos dos noticias para usted: una buena y otra mala, �cu�l quiere primero?”
“D�game la mala y luego me alegra con la buena”.
“Mire, la operaci�n se complic� y tuvimos que cortarle las dos piernas”.
El hombre rompe a llorar:
“�Y cu�l es la buena noticia?”, pregunta sollozando.
“Que el hombre que est� en la habitaci�n de al lado dice que le compra los zapatos que tra�a”.