One day a little cat was walking through the park when he came across a pond. He peered into the pond and noticed that at the bottom of the pond there was a little cocktail sausage.The cat was feeling quite happy so as the water wasn’t that deep he reached in with his little paw, hooked the sausage out and ate it.The next day the cat was walking through the park again and peered into the pond. There was another sausage in the pond but this time it was a normal sized one, so the cat reached in. This time he had to put his whole arm into the pond. The cat hooked the sausage out and ate it.The next day things go basically the same and the cat again looks into the pond. There he found an enormous Cumberland sausage at the bottom for the pond. It looked so delicious but it was so deep that he had to really stretch to get it, then SPLASH – he fell in.The moral of the story is: The Bigger the Sausage, The Wetter the Pussy!
Author: admin
Knock KnockWho’s there?Mr!Mr who!Missed her
Knock KnockWho’s there?Mr!Mr who!Missed her at the bus stop!
Michigan Jokes
It is Michigan week…here we go…
A little boy and his mother were walking through a Michigan
cemetery when they came upon a headstone that read “Here lies a
Michigan graduate and an honest man.” The little boy asked,
“Mommy, why did they bury 2 people in there?”
Coach Lloyd Carr is only dressing 10 players for the Michigan
game against Ohio State. The rest of the team will get dressed
by themselves.
Q: How do you get a Michigan cheerleader into your dorm room?
A: Grease her hips and push.
Q: Why is ice no longer available at Michigan football games?
A: The senior who knew the recipe graduated.
Q: What are the longest 3 years of a Michigan football player’s
life?
A: His freshman year.
Q: Why did Michigan replace the stadium grass with Astroturf?
A: To keep the cheerleaders from grazing during games.
Q: How do you get a Michigan graduate off your front porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza
Q: What does the average University of Michigan football player
get on his S.A.T.?
A: Drool.
Q: Why are there no Nativity scenes on the Michigan University
campus at Christmas?
A: Because they can’t find three wise men and a virgin.
Ice fishing
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing; so, after reading many books on the subject and gathering all of the necessary equipment, she made for the nearest frozen lake.
After positioning her comfy foot stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, as if from the sky, a voice boomed out, HEY, YOU, THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a cup of cappuccino from her Thermos, and began to cut another hole. Again, a voice boomed, THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!
The blonde, now worried, moved to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and once again tried to cut the ice hole. Once more, the voice said, THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!
The blonde stopped, looked skyward, and said, Who are you, God? The voice replied, NO, I AM THE OWNER OF THIS ICE RINK!
Dirty Dishes
There’s this guy who’s in the market for a used motorcycle. Always wanted a nice big hog. So he’s shopping around, answering ads in the newspaper,and not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic harley with a “for sale” sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner: “This bike is beautiful!! I’ll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape.”
“Well,” says the seller, “it’s pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it’s going to rain, rub vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you’re buying the bike I won’t need my tube of vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it.” and he hands the buyer a tube of vaseline.
So the guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She’s ecstatic (being a harley fan). That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend’s parents house. See, it’s the first time he’s going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend’s arm.
“Honey,” she says,” I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don’t talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.”
“No problem,” he says. And in they go. The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, a huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he reaches over, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make it on the dinner table. Of course no one says a word.
“Her Mom’s gotta good bod…”, he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend’s Mom and ravishes her right there on the dinner table. Again, no one says a word. Then, the boyfriend notices it starting to rain, he better take care of the motorcycle. He pulls the vaseline from his pocket. The father stands up and shouts:
“All right, I’ll do the f@(#ing dishes!!”
Your best ashtray is a
Your best ashtray is a turtle shell. 252.Your pocketknife has ever been referred to as Exhibit A.You think cur is a breed of dog.People hear your car long before they see it.
He’s Light Of Her Life
A good husband is the light of his wife’s life. But some wives are getting fed up with seeing their lights go out every night!
An angel wrote…
An angel wrote:
Many people will walk in and out of your life,
but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart.
To handle yourself, use your head;
To handle others, use your heart.
Anger is only one letter short of danger.
If someone betrays you once, it’s his fault;
if he betrays you twice, it’s your fault.
Great minds discuss ideas;
Average minds discuss events;
Small minds discuss people.
God gives every bird it’s food,
But He does not throw it into it’s nest.
He who loses money, loses much;
He who loses a friend, loses more;
He who loses faith, loses all.
Beautiful young people are acts of nature,
But beautiful old people are works of art.
Learn from the mistakes of others.
You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself.
The tongue weighs practically nothing,
but so few people can hold it.
�Por qu� se casa la
�Por qu� se casa la gente?
Por falta de experiencia.
�Por qu� se divorcia?
Por falta de paciencia.
�Por qu� se vuelve a casar?
Por falta de memoria.
If your wife comes out of the kitchen to whine…
If your wife comes out of the kitchen to whine at you, what
have you usually done wrong?
Made her chain too long.
The Ocotpus!
A man walks into a bar and he has a pet octopus. He sits down at the bar and says to the bartender “give us two beers over here!”
The bartender walks over and see’s the octopus and he says, “Didn’t you see the sign over there it says no pets allowed!”
The man say’s to the bartender, “oh but you don’t understand this is a special octopus and he can play any musical instrument that you have.”
The bartender replied back, “well I’ll tell you what, if he can play any instrument you can both drink for free all night!”
The bartender walks up to the band playing and grabs a guitar. He puts it down on the bar.
The octopus crawls up on the bar and feels around the guitar for a little while, then finally he picks it up and starts jamming. He’s so good he sounded like Jimi Hendricks!
The bartender was amazed and says, “alright lets try one more”.
This time he goes into the back room and brings out a dusty old set of bagpipes and promptly put them on the bar and says “lets see him play this!”
The octopus starts crawling all over the bagpipes. He continues this for quite awhile.
The bartender shouted out ” See I knew he couldn’t play all these instruments!”
And the man replies, “Just give him a few more minutes…
as soon as he figures out he can’t have sex with it, he’ll play it!”
Yo mamma
yo mamma so fat i went to the zoo and mistaked her for a hippo