What do you call it if you get stuck in an elevator with Dolly Parton?
what do you call it?
A boobie
trap!
Author: admin
I’m tired of doing all this work
*104 million are retired (leaving 133 million to do the work).*85 million are in school (leaving 48 million to do the work).*29 million are employed by the federal government (leaving 19 million to do the work).*2.8 million are in the armed forces (leaving 16.2 million to do the work).*14.8 million work for state and city governments (leaving 1.4 million to do the work).*188,000 are in hospitals (leaving 1,212,000 to do the work).*1,211,998 are in prisons. That leaves just two people to do all the work. You and me. And you’re sitting there reading this joke!
Lesson In Logic
A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.
“Here is the situation,” she said.
“A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help.
His wife hears the commotion, knows he can’t swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?”
A little girl raised her hand and asked, “To draw out all his savings?”
Jeffrey Dahmer’s victims
Q: What does Jeffrey Dahmer’s victims and The Clintons’ hairstyles have in
common?
A: They both look like the work of a butcher…
Accountants
Three accountants were in the urinal performing their morning constitutional. The first finishes and walks over to the sink to wash his hands. He then proceeds to dry his hands very carefully. He uses paper towel after paper towel and ensures that every single spot of water on his hands is dried. Turning to the other 2 accountants, he says – “Chartered Accountants are trained to be extremely thorough”. The second finishes his task at the urinal and he proceeds to wash his hands. He uses a single paper towel and makes sure that he dries every drop of water from his hands using every available portion of the paper towel. He turns and says – “Certified Accountants are not only are we trained to be extremely thorough but we are also trained to be extremely efficient”. The third accountant finishes and walks straight for the door.”Management Accountants learn not to piss on their hands.”
Bad Influences
Airman Jones was aasigned to the induction center where he
advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially
their GI Insurance.
It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones
had a staggeringly high success rate, selling insurance to
nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.
Rather than ask him about this, Captain smith stood at the back
of one of Airman Jones’ sales pitch and listened.
Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new
recruits, and then said, “If you are killed and have GI
Insurance, the government has to pay $200,000 to your
beneficiaries. But if you don’t have GI Insurance, and get
killed in battle, the government only has to pay a minimum of
$6,000.”
“Now”, he concluded, “which group do YOU think they are going to
send into battle first?”
Biology Test
Mr. Baldwin, the biology teacher called on Mary, “Can you tell me the part of the body that, under the right conditions, expands to six times it’s normal size, and state the conditions.”Mary gasped and said in a huff, “Why, Mr. Baldwin! That is an inappropriate question and my parents are going to hear of it when I get home!” She sat down, red-faced.”Susan, can you tell me the answer?” asked Mr. Baldwin.”The pupil of the eye, under dark conditions,” said Susan.”Correct. Now Mary, I have three things to say to you. First, you have not studied your lesson. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, boy are you going to be disappointed someday!”
La muchacha que ayuda a
La muchacha que ayuda a la se�ora de la casa se dispone a arreglar la cama de sus patrones, cuando descubre en medio de las s�banas un cond�n usado. Espantada corre con la se�ora a informar el hallazgo: “�Si�ora, si�ora!, venga a ver lo’qui incontr�.”
La se�ora, un poco asustada, la acompa�a y tras reconocer el objeto dice: “�Ay Mar�a, qu� ignorante eres!” “�Qu� en tu pueblo no hacen el amor?” “S� si�ora, �pero no hasta despellejarnos!”
Knock KnockWho’s there?Livia!Livia who?Livia me
Knock KnockWho’s there?Livia!Livia who?Livia me alone!
Mime in the forest
If a tree falls in a forest, and lands on a mime… does anyone
care?
Coconut for my 16-year-old
Yesterday I bought a coconut for my 16-year-old daughter. I then realized we
have been living too long, to far away from nature.
She said: “This white stuff inside smells like shampoo�.
Itchy
A teacher notices that a little boy at the back of the class is squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She goes back to find out what’s up. He’s quite embarrassed and whispers that he has just recently been circumcised and he’s quite itchy. The teacher tells him to go down to the principal’s office, to phone his mum, and ask her what he should do about it. He does this and returns to the class, sits down in his seat and suddenly, there’s a general commotion at the back of the room. Back down she goes, only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. “I thought I told you to call your mom” she says. “I did” he says. “She told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she’d come and pick me up from school.”