Top Ten Things Only Women Understand10. Cats’ facial expressions.9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.8. Why bean sprouts aren’t just weeds.7. “Fat” clothes.6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.5. The difference between beige, off-white and eggshell.4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.3. Eyelash curlers.2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.And the number one thing women understand…1. Other women!
Author: admin
Psychiatrist Handyman
Question: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Answer: Just one … but the lightbulb has to REALLY want to change!
Irishman Drunk and F
An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, “So, you’ve been out drinking again!””What makes you say that?” he asked, putting on an innocent look.”The pub called — you left your wheelchair there again.”
Unheavenly blessed
Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, “I was cleaning the Father’s room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!”
“What did you do?” the other nuns asked.
“Well, of course I threw them in the trash.”
The second nun said, ” Well, I can top that, I was in Father’s room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!”
“Oh my!” gasped the other nuns. “What did you do?” they asked.
“I poked holes in all of them,” she replied.
The third nun said, “Oh shit!”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Directions for the Spermatoa
The newly born sperm was receiving instructions in conception from the instructor:”As soon as you hear the siren, run for the tunnel and swim in a straight line until you get to the entrance of a damp cavern. At the end of the cavern you will find a red, sticky ball which is the egg. Address it and say, “I’m a Sperm.” She will answer, “I’m the Egg.” From that moment on you will work together to create the embryo. Do you understand?”The sperm nodded affirmatively and the instructor said, “Then, good luck!”Two days later, the sperm is taking a nap when he hears the siren. He wakes up immediately and runs to the tunnel. A multitude of sperm swim behind him. He knows he has to arrive first. When he nears the entrance to the cavern, he looks back and sees that he is far ahead of the other sperm. He is able to swim at a slower pace but does approach the red, sticky ball.When, at last, he reaches the red, sticky ball, he smiles and says, “Hi, I’m a sperm.”The red sticky ball smiles and says, “Hi. I’m a tonsil.”
Q: How many alt.1d
Q: How many alt.1d readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?A: Hmmm, yes, very funny, but what has this got to do with 1d ?
Blonde Swimmer
A brunette, a redhead and a blonde are in a breast stroke race. The starter’s gun goes off and the three girls dive into the pool. The brunette and the redhead shoot across the pool and get out; 20 minutes later the blonde reaches the end and gets out. The judge says, “The gold medal goes to the brunette, the silver medal goes to the redhead, and the bronze goes to the blonde”. The blonde says, “I don’t want to be a sore loser, but I think the other girls were using their arms.”
Knock Knock 32
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Cash!
Cash who?
I knew you were nuts!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Cass!
Cass who?
Cass more flies with honey than vinegar!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Cassie!
Cassie who?
Cassie the forest for the trees!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Castor!
Castor who?
Castorblanca!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Castro!
Castro who?
Castro bread upon the waters!
KIMEY
WHY DOES KIMEY WEAR RAINBOW PANES BECAUSE SOME ONE TOLD HER IF SHE WEARS RAINBOW PANES SHE WOULD FIND GOLD AT THE END
One for the Volunteer
Tennessee folks make fun of their northern Virginian neighbors with this quip:You know why birds fly upside down over Scott County, Virginia?”Cause there ain’t nothin’ worth shittin’ on up there!”
Doggie style
Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives.
“Does your wife ever…well, you know…does she…well, let you do it doggie style?” asked one of the two.
“Well, not exactly,” his friend replied,
“She’s more into the trick dog aspect of it.”
“Oh, I see. Kinky stuff, huh?”
“Well, not exactly. Whenever I make a move, she’s most likely to roll over and play dead.”
Rise Caesar!
A rather bookish young man goes into a whorehouse to seek entertainment. He goes up to the madam and says, “Madam, I’d like a woman for the evening.”The Madam says, “Sir, I’m afraid all the girls are taken tonight, but if you’d care to, I’m available.”So the guy and the madam go into a bedroom and get undressed. As he takes off his clothes, she looks him over and she notices that, flaccid, he’s only two inches long. But then the guy says, “Rise, Caesar!”And his cock rises to a full 12 inches. So they have a great time, and after about five hours even the madam is very impressed.”Sir,” she says, “this has been one of the most pleasurable evenings of my life. I was wondering if you’d mind if I called the girls in so they could have a look at you. You’re really something special, you know.”But the guy says, “No, madam, no. I have come to bury Caesar, not to praise him.”