If you file it, you’ll know where it is but never need it. If you don’t file it, you’ll need it but never know where it is.
Author: admin
If the shoe fits, get
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.What’s another word for thesaurus? What would we have called the color orange if it wasn’t a fruit? After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com
Jimmy Crack corn
Why did they make a song about jimmy cracks corn if they dont care it goes jimmy crack corn and i dont care jimmy crack corn and i dont care!!!!!
Headache
Joe was moderately successful in the career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.
After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. “The good news is I can cure your headaches, the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.”
Joe was shocked and depressed, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. After the operation, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He walked past a men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need, a new suit.”
He entered the shop and told the salesman, “I’d like a new suit.” The salesman eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see, size 44 long?” Joe laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?”. “It’s my job.” replied the salesman. Joe tried on the suit, it fitted perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?” Joe thought for a moment and then said, “Sure!”. The salesman eyed Joe then said, “Let’s see, 34 sleeve and 16 and a half neck.”. Joe was surprised, “That’s right, how did you know?”. “It’s my job.” came the familiar reply. Joe tried on the shirt, and it fitted perfectly. The salesman asked, “How about new shoes?”. Joe was on a roll and agreed. The salesman eyed Joe’s feet and said, “Let’s see, nine-and-a-half?” Joe was astonished, “That’s right, how did you know?”. “It’s my job.” said the salesman again. Joe tried on the shoes and they fitted perfectly. He walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, “How about some new underwear?” Joe thought for a second and said, “Sure, why not.” The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe’s waist and said, “Let’s see, size 36.” Joe laughed smugly, “No, I’ve worn size 34 since I was 18 years old.”
The shocked salesman shook his head, “You can’t possibly wear a size 34! It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!”
Puns
Alimentary . . . . . . . . . What Holmes said to Watson
Artery. . . . . . . . . . . .Study of Painting
Bacteria. . . . . . . . . . Back door to the cafeteria
Barium. . . . . . . . . . . .What doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel . . . . . . . . . . . .A letter like A, E, I, O, or U
Cesarean Section . . . A district in Rome
Carpal . . . . . . . . . . .Person you ride to work with
Castrate . . . . . . . . . .Market price for setting a fracture
Catheter. . . . . . . . . . .String instruments
Cat Scan. . . . . . . . . . .Searching for kitty
Cauterize . . . . . . . . . .Made eye contact with her
Chiropractor . . . . . . . An Egyptian doctor
Colic . . . . . . . . . . . .A sheep dog
Congenital. . . . . . . . . Friendly
Cystogram . . . . . . . . . A cable sent to your sister
D & C . . . . . . . . . . . .Where the White House is
Denial . . . . . . . . . . . Where Cleopatra used to swim
Dilate. . . . . . . . . . . .To live long
Elixir . . . . . . . . . . . What a dog does to his owner when she gives him a juicy bone
Enema . . . . . . . . . . . .Not a friend
Fester. . . . . . . . . . . .Quicker
Fibula. . . . . . . . . . . .Small lie
Genital . . . . . . . . . . .Non Jewish
G I Series. . . . . . . . . .Soldier baseball
Grippe. . . . . . . . . . . .Suitcase
Hangnail. . . . . . . . . . .Coat hook
High Colonic. . . . . . . . Jewish religious holiday
Impotent. . . . . . . . . . .Distinguished, well known
Inbred . . . . . . . . . . .Best way to eat salami
Labor Pain. . . . . . . . . .Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff . . . . . . . Doctor’s cane
Morbid. . . . . . . . . . . .Higher offer
Nitrate . . . . . . . . . . .Cheaper than the day rate
Outpatient. . . . . . . . . .Person who has fainted
Pap Smear . . . . . . . . . Paternity test
Paradox . . . . . . . . . . .A couple of quacks
Pelvis. . . . . . . . . . . .Cousin of Elvis
Postoperative . . . . . . . Mail carrier
Prostate. . . . . . . . . . .Flat on your back
Recovery Room . . . . . . Place to do upholstery
Rectum. . . . . . . . . . . .Dang near killed him!
Rheumatic . . . . . . . . . Amorous
Secretion . . . . . . . . . .Hiding something
Seizure . . . . . . . . . . .Roman emperor
Terminal Illness. . . . . Getting sick at the airport
Tibia . . . . . . . . . . . .Country in North Africa
Tolerance . . . . . . . . . .What you get if you give growth hormone to ants
Tumor . . . . . . . . . . . More than one
Urine . . . . . . . . . . . Opposite of you’re out
Varicose. . . . . . . . . . .Near by
Vein. . . . . . . . . . . . .Conceited
Shit-Zhu and Bulldog
If a Shit-Zhu and a Bulldog mate, what would we get?
Bullshit!
Un t�o le pregunta a
Un t�o le pregunta a un amigo suyo, que es comunista:
“Oye, �t� me podr�as explicar qu� es la dial�ctica marxista?”
“S�, mira, te lo voy a explicar con un ejemplo. Imag�nate que hay un hombre sucio al lado de una ba�era: �se ba�ar�?”
“S�, claro”.
“Pues no. Un hombre sucio, es sucio por naturaleza; no se ba�ar� porque no conoce las virtudes de la higiene, y esa es la raz�n por la que est� sucio en primer lugar. �Lo comprendes?”
“Hombre, tiene su l�gica”.
“Bueno, ahora vuelve a imaginarte a un hombre sucio al lado de una ba�era: �se ba�ar� o no?”
“No”.
“Vuelves a estar equivocado. Vamos a ver, si est� sucio �por qu� no va a ba�arse? Lo m�s probable es que el hombre est� al lado de la ba�era precisamente porque iba a ba�arse. �Lo comprendes?”
“S�”.
“Bueno, pues ahora, imag�nate de nuevo a este hombre sucio al lado de la ba�era: �se ba�ar� o no?”
“�Y yo que s�!”
Bueno, pues eso es lo de la tesis, ant�tesis y s�ntesis.
Jorge entra al bar y
Jorge entra al bar y ve a Juan sentado en la barra con una sonrisa de oreja a oreja:
“�Por qu� la cara de felicidad?”
“Jorge, tengo que cont�rtelo todo. Ayer estaba encerando mi barco, tan s�lo encer�ndolo, cuando llega esa hermosa pelirroja, con las pechugas hasta ac�, y me dice: ‘�Me das un paseo en tu barco?’ Por supuesto, le dije, que te doy un paseito en mi barco. Y cuando estabamos all�, bien afuera, le dije: Elige: Coger o nadar. Y la chava no sab�a nadar, Jorge, �no sab�a nadar!”
Al d�a siguiente, Jorge regresa al bar y ah� estaba Juan con una sonrisa a�n mayor que la del d�a anterior.
“�Y hoy, por qu� estas tan contento, Juan?”
“�Jorge, no me lo vas a creer! Hoy en la ma�ana estaba yo terminando de encerar mi barco, �nicamente encer�ndolo, cuando llega esa hermosa rubia, con las pechugas hasta ac�, �Jorge, con las pechugas hasta ac�! Y me dice: ‘�Me das un paseo en tu barco?’ Claro que te paseo en mi barco, le contest�. La llev� bien afuera y cuando estabamos all� apagu� el motor y la amenac�: Elige: Coger o nadar. �Y la tipa tampoco sab�a nadar, Jorge, no sab�a nadar!”
Pasan un par de d�as y Jorge entra otra vez al bar. Juan estaba llorando en la barra sobre una cerveza.
“�Qu� te pasa Juan? �Por qu� est�s as�?”
“Jorge, a ti no te puedo esconder nada. Ayer estaba encerando nuevamente mi barco, solamente encer�ndolo, y se aparece esa estupenda morena. �Las pechugas hasta ac�!, y me dice: ‘�Me das un paseo en tu barco?’ Cuando quieras, nena, le dije. Y cuando estabamos all�, bien afuera, apagu� el motor, le mir� las tetas, �hasta ac� las ten�a, Jorge! y le dije: Elige: Coger o nadar. La morena se baja la faldita y… �era un hombre! Un hombre grandotote y yo… �YO NO S� NADAR, NO S� NADAR!”
Buying drinks at a bar
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and ordered their drinks from the bartender.Brunette: “I’ll have a B and C.”Bartender:”What is a B and C?”.Brunette: “Bourbon and Coke.”Redhead: “And, I’ll have a G and T.”Bartender: “What’s a G and T?”Redhead: “Gin and tonic.”Blonde: “I’ll have a 15.”Bartender: “What’s a 15?”Blonde: “7 and 7”
Yo mama so old
yo mama so old i told her to act her age and the chick dropped dead
Celebrating
Celebrating
A young man walked up and sat down at the bar. “What can I get you?” the bartender inquired.
“I want 6 shots of Jagermeister,” responded the young man.
“6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?”
“Yeah, my first blowjob,” the man answered.
“Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house.”
“No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won’t get rid of the taste, nothing will.”
If you think Purina is
If you think Purina is some kind of Ex-Lax.You’ve ever given a set of Tupperware ice tea glasses as a wedding present.Your dungarees expose more than half of your crack in the back because the weight of your pocket knife.