Q: Why is a blonde like railroad tracks?
A: Because she’s been laid all over the country.
Author: admin
Eye exam
A pretty young woman visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room. She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination.
Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in.
Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his nude patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation.
“Miss Jones,” he said finally, “it seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone an eye examination.”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Auto Biography…
- Auto Biography (noun)
- The life story of a car.
A Blonde on an Airplane
A Blonde on an Airplane
Ablonde buys a 2nd class ticket on an airplane going to Hawaii, but wants to sit in 1st class. She and a stuardess are fighting over where she sits. The stuardess says, “it says right there on your ticket. 2nd class.
“But I want to sit in 1st class!”
“You can’t. Your ticket is for 2nd class.”
The pilot heard all the yelling and came back and said “what’s going on in here?” The stuardess replied “this woman thinks she can sit in 2nd class.” Then the pilot walks up to the blonde and whisperef something in her ear. “Ohhhhh,” says the blonde and moves back to 2nd class, as the pilot goes back into the cockpit.
Later, the stuardess is curious about what the pilot said. So,she goes and asks the pilot. The pilot replies “I told her that 1st class wasn’t going to Hawaii.”
Romantic weekend
A couple decided to Alaska for a romantic weekend. When they got to the cabin it was cold so the wife asked her husband to go chop some wood for that fire place.
He came in after 5 minutes and told his wife that his hands were cold, so she said her put your hands between my thighs to warm them.
So he did and went back outside to finish chopping wood. He came in after another 5 minutes and said ” honey my hands are cold again”.
So she tells him here put your hands between my thighs to warm them. So he did and then he went back out to chop some more wood.
5 minutes has passed and he went in again and said, “honey my hands are cold again”.
She then said, ” Damn don’t your ears ever get cold?”
The Top 17 Signs Your Travel Agent Has Misled You
17> As you board the plane, you find the “Occupied” sign is up on your “private cabin.”
16> Every time you get back from a sightseeing excursion, Mr. Blix demands to know if you found anything.
15> “Alabamastan” ain’t really a country in Eastern Europe.
14> It turns out that Cawker City, Kansas, only has the world’s *second* largest ball of twine!!!
13> Your “singles” cruise turns out to be a cargo ship full of Kraft American cheese slices.
12> On your descent into Auckland, you catch a glimpse of the Golden Gate Bridge.
11> You’ve driven halfway around New Zealand and have yet to see a single Hobbit.
10> Your Turkish tour guide says, “On your left you see my ping-pong table. Now I KISS YOU!!!”
9> Getting repeatedly screwed by the hotel isn’t what you expected when you signed up for the “Malaysian Sex Tour.”
8> Sun? Check.
Sand? Check.
Carrying an M16 while being shouted at by a drill sergeant? Uh-oh.
7> You asked for a room with a view in Manhattan. You got a peep-show booth in Times Square.
6> The “Transylvania” tour is nothing but a visit to a Polish union town in Ohio led by a couple of Goth chicks.
5> You’re amazed at the number of Australians who know how to yodel.
4> “Afghani-Disney” appears to be nothing but two guys and a real mouse.
3> Hey, isn’t that Kate Winslet and Leo DiCaprio on the Lido deck?
2> Snow White looks real enough, but you don’t remember the Elephant Man’s remains being part of Disneyland.
1> Your “around the world” cruise involves his tongue.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
Nice Judge
Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully,” the divorce court judge said, “and I’ve decided to give your wife $275 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” the husband said. “And every now and then I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.”
Le dice el nieto a
Le dice el nieto a la abuela:
“A que no llevas bragas”.
Se le queda la abuela mirando y, perpleja, le responde:
“Pues no, �y t� c�mo lo sabes?”
El nieto se r�e p�caramente y le contesta:
“�Lo s� porque tienes caspa en las zapatillas!”
The Top 15 Predictions for 2004 (Part I)
15> In an attempt to lower the cost of government, President Bush eliminates the month of September.
14> Keith Richards dies and is cremated; the smoke makes the entire city of London high for three days.
13> A presidential debate brings to light the fact that Al Gore didn’t actually invent the Internet — Howard Dean did.
12> Lance Armstrong wins his sixth consecutive Tour de France despite being forced by the French government to ride a Big Wheel.
11> With a cry of “Now Unite for Great Justice!” all nine Democratic candidates merge together into UltraDemBot to take on George W. Bush in the presidential election.
10> Despite a petition signed by most of TopFive’s contributors, “Disciplining the Primate” is once again rejected as an Olympic event.
9> World peace achieved, cancer cured, that babe in marketing goes out with– Hey! Who slipped the acid into my Fresca?
8> Saddam Hussein’s execution by firing squad is postponed when Halliburton tries to charge $300,000 per bullet.
7> In an attempt to bolster his failing career, Joe Piscopo dangles his 4-month-old child from stage over a group of nasty hecklers.
6> NASA scientists are astounded when J.Lo’s ass develops its own gravitational pull.
5> A surprisingly underachieving contestant pulls out a second consecutive win on a new reality TV series that pits a dozen equally inept Americans against one another for the title of “President of the United States.”
4> Building on the success of re-hiring Joe Gibbs, the Washington Redskins name Y.A. Tittle their starting quarterback.
3> McDonald’s joins the low-carb diet trend and offers fries composed entirely of beef fat.
2> John Kerry loses the presidential election when his plan to appeal to Britney Spears fans by French-kissing Al Gore and Bill Bradley on stage backfires and leaves him with unsightly cold sores.
1> Jesus returns to Earth and sees his shadow, resulting in six more years of reality TV.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
Little Johnny’s Pink Eraser
Once there was a small classroom in a decent school. One day,
Ms Young, the grade two teacher walked to the front of her class
and said, “Today, class, we are going to play a game.” Ms YOung
stuck her hand in her pocket, “I have something in my pocket,”
she said, “it’s round but not too round and its red but not too
red.” Little Johnny raised his hand and yelled, “I know! I
Know! It’s a red bouncy ball!” “No,” replied Ms Young, “it’s
an apple, but I like the way you think.” She stuck her hand in
her other pocket and said “I have something in my pocket, it’s
orange but not too orange and its round but not too round.”
Johnny raised his hand and yelled, “I know! I know! Its an
orange bouncy ball!” “No,” said Ms Young, “Its an orange, but I
like the way you think.” Johnny yelled out, “I get this game!
May I go up now, pretty please?!” “Okay,” Ms Young replied.
JOhnny ran up to the front of the class, and stuck his way deep
down in his pocket. “I have something in my pocket,” he said,
“It’s long but not too long and its pink but not too pink.” The
teacher cried out, “you can’t say things like that in class!”
Johnny replied, “Its my pink eraser, but I like the way you
think.”
Billy goes to camp
Billy’s Mom’s LettersThe following appeared in a computer magazine in Mr. Dvorak’s column:Dear Mr. Dvorak:Ann Landers wouldn’t print this. I have nowhere else to turn. I have to get the word out. Warn other parents. I must be rambling on. Let me try and explain. It’s about my son, Billy. He’s always been a good, normal ten year old boy. Well, last spring we sat down after dinner to select a summer camp for Billy. We sorted through the camp brochures. There were the usual camps with swimming, canoeing, games, singing by the campfire — you know. There were sports camps and specialty camps for weight reduction, music, military camps and camps that specialized in Tibetan knot tying. I tried to talk him into Camp Winnepoopoo. It’s where he went last year. (He made an adorable picture out of painted pinto beans and macaroni). Billy would have none of it. Billy pulled a brochure out of his pocket. It was for a COMPUTER CAMP! We should have put our foot down right there, if only we had known. He left three weeks ago. I don’t know what’s happened. He’s changed. I can’t explain it. See for yourself. These are some of my little Billy’s letters.Dear Mom, The kids are dorky nerds. The food stinks. The computers are the only good part. We’re learning how to program. Late at night is the best time to program, so they let us stay up. Love, Billy.Dear Mom, Camp is O.K. Last night we had pizza in the middle of the night. We all get to choose what we want to drink. I drink Classic Coke. By the way, can you make Szechuan food? I’m getting used to it now. Gotta go, it’s time for the flowchart class. Love, Billy.P.S. This is written on a wordprocessor. Pretty swell, huh? It’s spellchecked too.Dear Mom, Don’t worry. We do regular camp stuff. We told ghost stories by the glow of the green computer screens. It was real neat. I don’t have much of a tan ’cause we don’t go outside very often. You can’t see the computer screen in the sunlight anyway. That wimp camp I went to last year fed us weird food too. Lay off, Mom. I’m okay, really. Love, Billy.Dear Mom, I’m fine. I’m sleeping enough. I’m eating enough. This is the best camp ever. We scared the counselor with some phony worm code. It was real funny. He got mad and yelled. Frederick says it’s okay. Can you send more money? I spent mine on a pocket protector and a box of blankdiskettes. I’ve got to chip in on the phone bill. Did you know that you can talk to people on a computer? Give my regards to Dad. Love, Billy.Dear Mother, Forget the money for the telephone. We’ve got a way to not pay. Sorry I haven’t written. I’ve been learning a lot. I’m real good at getting onto any computer in the country. It’s really easy! I got into the university’s in less than fifteen minutes. Frederick did it in five, he’s going to show me how. Frederick is my bunk partner. He’s really smart. He says that I shouldn’t call myself Billy anymore. So, I’m not. Signed, William.Dear Mother, How nice of you to come up on Parents Day. Why’d you get so upset? I haven’t gained that much weight. The glasses aren’t real. Everybody wears them. I was trying to fit in. Believe me, the tape on them is cool. I thought that you’d be proud of my program. After all, I’ve made some money on it. A publisher is sending a check for $30,000.Anyway, I’ve paid for the next six weeks of camp. I won’t be home until late August. Regards, William.Mother, Stop treating me like a child. True — physically I am only ten years old. It was silly of you to try to kidnap me. Do not try again. Remember, I can make your life miserable (i.e. – the bank, credit bureau, and government computers). I am not kidding. O.K.? I won’t write again and this is your only warning. The emotions of this interpersonal communication drain me. Sincerely, William. See what I mean? It’s been two weeks since I’ve heard from my little boy. What can I do, Mr.Dvorak? I know that it’s probably too late to save my little Billy. But, if by printing these letters you can save JUST ONE CHILD from a life of programming, please, I beg of you to doso. Thank you very much. Sally Gates, Concerned Parent
Insolente, en plena calle, un
Insolente, en plena calle, un borracho orina con movimientos de vaiv�n de izquierda a derecha. En eso, una viejita que pasa lo ve:
“�Pero qu� bestia! �Qu� bruto!”, grita asombrada la anciana.
“No se preocupe, pase, pase que la estoy sosteniendo”, farfulla el temulento.