Your moma is so fat I got lost walking around her
Author: admin
The only one who ever
The only one who ever got anything done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe.
Good Sermon
After years of his wife’s pleading, this rich good ole boy finally goes with her to her little local Church on Sunday morning. He was so moved by the preacher’s sermon that on the way out he stopped to shake his hand.
He said, “Reverend, that was the best damn sermon I ever did hear!”
The Preacher replied, “Oh!! Why, thank you sir, but please, I’d appreciate it if you didn’t use profanity in the Lord’s house.”
The man said, “I’m sorry Reverend, but I can’t help myself, it was such a damn good sermon!”
The Reverend said, “Sir, PLEASE, I cannot have you behaving this way in Church!”
The man said, “Okay Reverend, but I just wanted you to know that I thought it was so damn good, I put $5000 in that there collection plate.”
The Reverend looks stunned, and says, “NO SH**?”
Yo mama is so fat
Yo mama so fat she uses a mattress for a tampon.
Priest and sandbagger
A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second fellow
approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says that he usually plays
alone but agrees to let the second guy join him.
Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says, “Say,
we’re about evenly matched, how about we play for five bucks a hole?”
The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn’t like to bet but
agrees to the terms. Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes and as
they’re walking off of the eighteenth hole, and while counting his $80.00, he
confesses that he’s the pro at a neighboring course and likes to pick on
suckers.
The first fellow reveals that he’s the Parish Priest at the local
Catholic Church to which the second fellow gets all flustered and apologetic and
offers to give the Priest back his money. The Priest says, “No, no. You won fair
and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings.”
The pro says, “Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?”
The Priest says, “Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation.
Then, if you bring your mother and father by after Mass, I’ll marry them for
you!
Last sound
Whats the last sound you hear before a pubic hair hits the floor? Pittooey.
Shot as a Fetus
A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down the street when a
masked robber runs out the bank and shoots her three times in
the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to
leave the bullets in because it’s too risky to operate.
All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the
room in tears. “What’s wrong?” asks the mother. “I was having a
wee and this bullet came out.” replies the daughter. The mother
tells her it’s okay and explains what happened 16 years ago.
About a week later the second daughter walks in to the room in
tears. “Mom, I was having a wee and this bullet came out.” Again
the mother tells her not to worry and explains what happened 16
years ago.
A week later the boy walks into the room in tears. “It’s okay,”
says the mom, “I know what happened, you were having a wee and a
bullet came out.” And the boy says, “No, I was jerking off and I
shot the dog!”
Same Aid
One way to live together and never have an argument is for both husband and wife to be hard-of-hearing…
and to share the same hearing aid.
The best gift of all
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.The first said, “I built a big house for our mother.”The second said, “I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.”The third smiled and said, “I’ve got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can’t see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He’s one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it.”Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks:”Milton,” she wrote one son, “The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.””Gerald,” she wrote to another, “I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!””Dearest Donald,” she wrote to her third son, “You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious.”
Blessings
A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across
the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined,
they decided to go in together to buy a car. After the purchase,
they drove it home and parked it on the street between them.
A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest
sprinkling water on their new car. It didn’t need a wash, so he
hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing. “I’m
blessing it,” the priest replied.
The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the
synagogue. He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, walked
over to the back of the car and cut off two inches of the
tailpipe.
Red Man sends you a
Red Man sends you a Christmas card.The Salvation Army declines your mattress.You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
Light bulb joke
Q. How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Just one, but it really gets screwed.