Things you’d really like to say at work!

01. I can see your point, but you’re still full of crap.
02. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronouce.
03. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
04. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
05. Ahh…I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
06. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
07. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
08. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
09. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
10. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be…?
11. This isn’t and office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
12. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
13. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
14. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #1?
15. Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

And here’s a bonus funny from: Siglets.com

Sometimes … when you cry … no one sees your tears …
Sometimes…when you are worried….no one sees your pain…
Sometimes … when you are happy … no one sees your smile …
But fart just one time…

Este cubano va al m�dico

Este cubano va al m�dico con la barriga muy inflamada, tan hinchada que hasta le brillaba. El pobre hombre le dice al galeno:

“Oye, chico, �mira c�mo estoy de no poder cagar! Cada vez que creo que ahora s� y me siento, se me tranca y nada, que no puedo. Ya he tomado todo, hasta aceite de ricino, y si afloja, pero vuelve de nuevo a cerrarse.

El facultativo le ordena desvestirse para hacerle un examen. Cuando le ve el pene, gordo y grande como nunca hab�a visto, le dice al paciente:

“Mira, creo saber lo que tienes: �cu�ndo te sientas en la taza, t� pones el miembro adentro o afuera?”

“�Pues claro que adentro! �D�nde si no?”

“Pues eso es lo que pasa: tienes el culo asustao, chico”.

Your in my seat

President Clinton, Vice President Al Gore, and Hilary Clinton have all died
and are waiting to speak to God.

God asks the first person, “Who are you?” He replies, “I’m Bill Clinton, the
leader of the free world.” God says, “Sit here, on my right side.”

God then turns to the next person and asks who he is. Al Gore replies, “I am
the assistant leader of the free world.” God says, “Sit here, on my left side.”

Then God turns to the third person and asks who she is. Hilary replies, “I’m
Hilary Clinton, and you’re sitting in my seat.”

Jesus And God

Jesus and god were playing golf. They come to a long par 5 with
trees and sand traps everywhere. Jesus hits a beautiful shot
straight down the fairway and it lands perfect. God steps up and
hits one off a tree and into a pond. All of a sudden a fish gets
the ball in his mouth and swims with it until an eagle picks the
fish up with the ball still in the fishes mouth. mouth. He flies
over the green and the fish drops the ball and it rolls into the
cup. Jesus turns to god and says, “You gonna play golf or you
gonna fuck around?”

Dos solteronas ten�an una farmacia

Dos solteronas ten�an una farmacia heredada del padre. Un d�a entra un hombre y pide un cond�n. Una de las mujeres le saca uno talla 42.

“No, es peque�o”, aclara el hombre.

Le saca uno talla 44.

“No, creo que todav�a es peque�o”.

Saca y saca, y la �ltima talla que le queda es un 50, pero el tipo insiste que no, que es peque�o.

Entonces, la mujer, dirigi�ndose al interior del local, grita:

“Hermenegilda, el se�or necesita un cond�n talla 52 y ya no nos quedan, �qu� le ofrezco?”

“�Casa y comida y la mitad de la farmacia!”, exclama Hermenegilda desde el interior.

PG-13 Why the Internet Is Like a Vagina

:Why the Internet Is Like a VaginaIf you play with it too much you can go blind.You wouldn’t believe the things people put in there! Some people think they know how to move around in it, but they really can’t interface.In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to receive information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that’s the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.The more people use it the bigger it gets.It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just do the same damn dumb things it did before.It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it’s hard to tell what kind of person you’re dealing with until it’s too late.If you don’t apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses.It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, you’ll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.You think you’re just playing around, but you can get involved in something that takes 9 months to finish.The part you see is actually just the front end of a very complicated system.If you’re not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself ‘why on earth did I do that?’Some folks have it, some don’t.Those who have it think that those who don’t have it are somehow inferior. Those who don’t have it may agree that it’s a nifty toy, but think it’s not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don’t have it spend all their time trying to access it.Some people believe in security and avoiding penetration but others believe it should be open to all comers.Once you’ve started playing with it, it’s hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn’t have work to do.

Una monja cruza el bosque

Una monja cruza el bosque rumbo a su convento, cuando aparece entre los �rboles un joven desnudo que la tira al suelo y la viola.

Una vez consumado el hecho, el joven se arrepiente y se lamenta:

“Soy un criminal, no merezco el perd�n, haberle hecho esto a usted �qu� pasar� con usted hermanita? �qu� va a hacer?”

“No te apenes hijo, ir� a confesarme y dir� que al cruzar el bosque un hombre me atac� y que me viol� tres veces consecutivas… digo… si no est�s muy cansado…”