Every Christmas morning, when my kids were little, I read them the nativity story out of the big family bible.When my son was old enough to talk, he asked me what a stable was.I thought for a moment how to explain it to him in terms he could understand, then told him, “It’s something like your sister’s room, but without a stereo.”
Author: admin
YOUR ASS!”
A blonde girl has just gotten fired. Her boss has always called
her a dumb blonde.
She is driving down the road when she sees a blonde girl in the
middle of a wheat field rowing a canoe.
She pulls over, gets on the roof of her truck, and says,� IT�S
BLONDES LIKE YOU WHO GIVE BLONDES LIKE US A BAD NAME! BUT IF I
WAS’NT SCARED OF WATER I’D COME OUT THERE AND KICK YOUR ASS!”
A Rabbi and a Priest
A Rabbi and a Priest were sitting together on a train, and the Rabbi
leans over and asks, “So how high can you advance in your organization?”
The Priest says “If I am lucky, I guess I could become a Bishop.”
“Well, could you get any higher than that?” asks the Rabbi.
“I suppose that if my works are seen in a very good light that I
might be made an Arch Bishop” said the Priest a bit cautiously.
“Is there any way that you might go higher than that?”
“If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal”,
said the priest.
“Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal?” probed the Rabbi.
Hesitating a little bit, the Priest said “I supose that I could
be elected Pope, but…”
So the Rabbi says “And could you be anything higher than that?, is
there any way to go up from being the Pope?”
“What!!! I should be the Messiah himself!?!”
The Rabbi leaned back and said “One of our boys made it.”
Suicide Blonde
A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the
tip of her index finger shot off.
“How did this happen?” the emergency room doctor asked her.
“Well, I was trying to commit suicide,” the blonde replied.
“What?” sputtered the doctor. “You tried to commit suicide by
shooting your finger off?”
“No silly!” the blonde said. “First I put the gun to my chest,
and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants,
I’m not shooting myself in the chest.”
“So then?” asked the doctor.
“Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid
$3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I’m not shooting myself
in the mouth.”
“So then?”
“Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to
make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I
pulled the trigger.”
The Los Angeles
The Los Angeles Board of Education has OK’d a plan to equip school police cars with guns. The plan works on a tier system: Police at elementary schools will carry supersoakers, junior high patrols will carry paint guns, and shotguns will be used at high schools.
Knock knock
Knock knock?
Who�s there?
Mr. Bush.
Mr. Bush who?
Mr. Bush but hit her belly.
Bottoms up
A man walks into the bar with his wife. After a few drinks, he goes and uses the pisser. as soon as he wlked in their, a man walked up and said to her,
“man babby you got some nice tits i want to suck on them”
the women looking horified looked at him and said
“are you talking to me”? The man then said
“man babby you got a nice ass, i want to lick that shit”.
the women says
“my husband is in the bathroom and he is going to kick your ass”.
the man says
“man babby you got a nice pussy i want to tip you over and drink beer from that shit”
The women gets up ready to slap the man. as soon as he sees her husband walking up the man takes off. Her husband asks,
“whats wrong hunny”?
the women replies,
“Youll never believe it, this man just came up and said that he wanted to suck on my titties”
The man looks around and says,
“where is this guy”
The women said,
“thats not all he said he wanted to lick my ass”.
The man rolls up his sleeves and says,
“where is this guy, im going to kick his ass”.
The women said,
Thats not all he said,
“he wanted to tip me over and drink beer from my pussy.
The man looks around rolls down his sleeves and sits down. The women asks,
“Whats worng hunny? Arnt you going to kick his ass”?
The man replies,
“hell no, im not messing with any man that can drink that much beer”
Tailors make it fit just right….
Tailors make it fit just right.
Kung Fu Fighting
There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and –WHACK!!– knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The idiot says, ‘That was a karate chop from Korea.’The little guy thinks ‘GEEZ,’ but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden –WHACK– the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, ‘That was a judo chop from Japan.’ So the little guy has had enough of this. He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big idiot and *WHACK* bangs the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!!The little guy looks at the bartender and says, ‘When he comes to, tell him that is a crowbar from Sears.’
An engineer
An engineer dies and reports to hell. Pretty soon, the engineer gets
dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and
building improvements. After a while, they’ve got air conditioning and flush
toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, “So, how’s
it going down there in hell?”
Satan replies, “Hey things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning and
flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going
to come up with next.”
God replies, “What??? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake — he should
never have gotten down there; send him up here.”
Satan says, “No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping
him.”
God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.”
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah, right. And just where are you
going to get a lawyer?”
Newly married
A mother had three daughters and, on their wedding night, she tells each one to write back about their married life.To avoid possible embarrassment to their new husbands by openly discussing their love lives, the mother and daughters agree to use newspaper advertisements as a ‘code’ to let the mother know how their love lives are going.The first one gets married and the second day the letter arrives with a single message, simply: ‘Maxwell House Coffee’.The mother got the newspaper and checked the Maxwell House advertisement, and it says, ‘Satisfaction to the last drop…’ So the mother is happy.Then the second daughter gets married. After a week, there was a message that read: ‘Rothman’s Mattresses’. So the mother looks at the Rothman’s Mattresses ad, and it says, ‘Full size, king size’. And the mother is happy.Then it comes to the third one’s wedding. Mother is anxious. After four weeks came the message: ‘British Airways’. And the mother looks into the British Airways ad, but this time she fainted.The ad reads: ‘Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways.’
3 men into heaven
It was getting a little crowded in heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy.
The new law was that, in order to get into heaven, you had to have a real bummer of a day when you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.
The next day at 12:01, the first person comes to the gates of heaven.
The angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly says to the man,
‘Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died.’
‘No problem,’ the man says. ‘I came home to my 25th floor apartment in my lunch hour and caught my wife half-naked and appearing to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give
up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy!
‘Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn’t you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn’t die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 storeys and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly.’
The angel sits back and thinks for a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the angel announces,
‘OK sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,’ and lets him in.
A few seconds later the next guy comes up.
‘Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died.’
The man says, ‘No problem. But you’re not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side!
‘Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom that broke my fall so I didn’t die right away. As I’m laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly.’
The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story.
‘I could get used to this new policy,’ he thinks to himself. ‘Very well,’ the angel announces, ‘welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,’ and he lets the man enter.
A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The angel is warming up to his task.
‘OK, please tell me what it was like the day you died.’
The man says, ‘OK, picture this. I’m naked inside this refrigerator. . .’