Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Zero. He only screws interns.
Author: admin
Sergeant Major Dick
An army Sergeant Major walked into a whorehouse one night and
approached the madam and said, “My name is Sergeant Major Dick
and I’m here for a woman!”.
The madam immediatly escorted the soldier upstairs and selected
the best call girl that they had working that night. Segeant
Major Dick disrobed and was standing with his hands on his hips
while he looked at the prostitute awaiting him on the bed. He
then siad, “My name is Sergeant Major Dick. Been in the Army 30
years and I’m a master of my mind and body. Dick, ATTEN-HUN!”
Immediatly his penis became fully erect. The prostitute was in
awe and asked him how he was able to do that. The Sergeant
replied “Like I said, I am a master of my mind and body. Dick,
AT EASE!” His penis immediatly went limp. The prositute couldn’t
belive the control this man had and asked for another
demonstration. He repeated his comands and again the penis
responded immediatly. Still amazed, the protitute asked for one
last demonstration.
“Dick, ATTEN-HUN!” His penis became erect.
“Dick, AT EASE!”
This time to his amazement, his penis did not go limp. Again, he
gave the command, “Dick, AT EASE!” No luck. At this point, he
was outraged. “Apparently you didn’t hear me soldier…Dick AT
EASE!” Still erect. He moved over to the corner of the room and
started to masturbate vigorously. The prostitute asked “Why the
hell are you doing that?!”
“This soldier disobeyed a direct order,” the Sergeant replied,
“I’m giving him a dishonourable discharge!”.
Thanksgiving & Christmas Tatoos
A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist
that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh just
below her bikini line.
She also wants him to put the words “Happy Thanksgiving” under
the turkey.
So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good.
The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Claus with “Merry
Christmas” on her left thigh just below the bikini line.
So the guy does that one and it turns out pretty good as well.
As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist
says, “If you don’t mind, could you tell me why you had me put
such unusual tattoos on your thighs?”
She replies, “I’m sick and tired of my husband complaining all
the time that there is nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving
and Christmas!”
Funeral service
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the
end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they
accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is
actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then finally dies.
A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the
pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband
cries out, “Watch the wall!”
On the Train
A WW II American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for three months when he was finally given a week of R&R. He caught a supply boat to a base in the south of England, then caught a train to London. The train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat. He was dead on his feet and walked the length of the train looking for any place to sit.
Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other. There was room for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking, older British lady, with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her. “Could I please sit in that seat” he asked.
The lady was insulted. “You Americans are so rude” she said, “can’t you see my dog is sitting there”?
He walked through the train more and still could not find a seat. He found himself back at the same place. “Lady, I love dogs – have a couple at home – so I would be glad to hold your dog if I could sit down” he said.
The lady replied, “You Americans are not only rude you are arrogant” she said.
He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finally said, “Lady, I’ve been on the front lines in Europe for three months with not a decent rest for all that time. Could I please sit there and hold your dog?”
The lady replied, “You Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you are also obnoxious.”
With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the dog, threw it out the widow, and sat down.
The lady was speechless.
An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat spoke up.
“Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the lady’s description of you or not. But I do know that you Americans do a lot of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your fork with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown the wrong bitch out of the window!”
BMW
A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and considerable damage.
There’s no sign of the offending vehicle but he’s relieved to see that there’s a note stuck under the windshield wiper.
“Sorry, I just backed into your Beemer.
The witnesses who saw the accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think I’m leaving my name, address and other particulars.
But I’m not.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Plane Crash in Poland
A small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.
23 Useful Expressions for High Stress Days
1. Well arn’t we just a ray of fuckin sunshine?
2. Not the brightest crayon in the box now are we?
3. A hard-on doesn’t count as personal growth.
4. Do I look like a fucking people person?
5. This isn’t an office. It’s hell with fluorescent lighting.
6. If I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I’ll put
shoes on my damn dog.
7. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
8. Let me show u how the guards used to do it.
9. An your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would beeee…?
10. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
11. Whatever kind of look you were going for you missed.
12. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
13. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
14. I can’t remember if I’m the good twin or the evil one.
15. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
16. You say I’m a bitch like it’s a bad thing.
17. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #2?
18. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
19. You look like shit. Is that the style now?
20. Aaaw did I step on your poor itty bitty ego?
21. It must be awful hard to hear with your head up your ass.
22. I’d agree with you if you were right, but you were not.
23. I never get into an argument with an idiot, they only bring
you down to their level and then beat you with experience.
Mommy’s Lil’ Helper
Little Susie was Mommy’s helper. She helped set the table when company was due for dinner. Soon, everything was on, Mr. Smythe the guest came in, and everyone sat down.
Then Mother noticed something was missing….
“Susie, dear,” she said, “You didn’t put a knife and fork at Mr. Smythe’s place.”
“But, Mommy, I thought he wouldn’t need them,” explained Susie. “Daddy says he always eats like a horse!”
Thanx dad
Father says to his son.
– You are mature enough now. I allow you to start smoking if you want to.
– Thanx dad, I’ve quit two years ago.
Burglars just broke in
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, “Stop! Acts 2:38!” [Turn from your sin]The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. Then the woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar,”Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture at you.” “Scripture?” replied the burglar, “She said she had an axe and two 38s!”
The FBI released more formerly classified…
The FBI released more formerly classified files. Among
15,000 pages newly available to the public were in-depth reports on
organized crime and anti-communist groups an several Victoria’s Secret
catalogs addressed to JE Hoover.