The Worst Analogies

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
(Joseph Romm, Washington)

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
(Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station)

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
(Russell Beland, Springfield)

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.
(Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring)

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and “Jeopardy” comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.
(Roy Ashley, Washington)

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
(Russell Beland, Springfield)

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
(Unknown)

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
(Jack Bross, Chevy Chase)

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
(Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring)

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like “Second Tall Man.”
(Russell Beland, Springfield)

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
(Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.)

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.
(Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
(Russell Beland, Springfield)

The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
(Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria)

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Una maestra cubana dice a

Una maestra cubana dice a los ninos que hagan una composici�n con un tema de la revoluci�n y al terminar manda a Pepito a que lea la suya:

“Yo tengo una gatica que ayer tuvo cinco gaticos y todos los gaticos son revolucionarios.”

La maestra, al ver que Pepito sab�a que hasta los gaticos deben ser revolucionarios, propone al director de la escuela que llame al inspector para que oiga la composicion. Pasados tres dias llega el inspector a la escuela y la maestra muy diligente pide a Oepito que lea su composici�n y pepito lee:

“Yo tengo una gatica que hace cinco dias tuvo cinco gaticos y tres son revolucionarios.”

Al oir esto, la maestra reacciona r�pidamente y le dice:

“Pepito, la primera vez que le�ste tu composici�n dijiste que todos los gaticos eran revolucionarios �que pas�?”

“Bueno maestra, es que dos ya abrieron los ojos.”

KFC and the Pope

After watching sales falling off for three straight months at
Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks
for a favor.

The Pope says, “What can I do?”

The Colonel says, “I need you to change the daily prayer from,
‘Give us this day our daily bread’ to ‘Give us this day our
daily chicken’. If you do it, I’ll donate 10 Million Dollars to
the Vatican.”

The Pope replies, “I am sorry. That is the Lord’s prayer and I
can not change the words.”

So the Colonel hangs up. After another month of dismal sales,
the Colonel panics, and calls again.

“Listen your Excellency. I really need your help. I’ll give you
$50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer
from ‘Give us this day our daily bread’ to ‘Give us this day our
daily chicken.'”

And the Pope responds, “It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders.
The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would
help us support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It
is the Lord’s prayer, and I can’t change the words.”

So the Colonel gives up again. After two more months of terrible
sales the Colonel gets desperate. “This is my final offer, your
Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from,
‘Give us this day our daily bread’ to ‘Give us this day our
daily chicken’ I will donate $100 million to the Vatican.”

The Pope replies, “Let me get back to you.”

So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and
he says, “I have some good news and I have some bad news. The
good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the
Vatican.”

The bishops rejoice at the news. Then one asks about the bad
news.

The Pope replies, “The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread
account.”