15> Most of the stadium seating has been leased to scientists developing a better Slinky.
14> Every time the crowd does “the wave,” the players respond with “the finger.”
13> Backs of the uniforms are embroidered with “Ask Me About Amway.”
12> The on-deck circle is now equipped with a Sega.
11> After the first pitch, every player argues with the ump until he’s thrown out of the game.
10> The pitcher now takes the mound dressed like Stevie Nicks.
9> The outfielders jog into position more slowly than ever, now that each is carrying his own lawn chair.
8> The manager allows his fielders to use their cell phones during pitching changes.
7> Play is temporarily suspended to allow the batter in the on-deck circle to finish his ice cream cone.
6> Too dejected to spit, they simply drool onto the dugout floor.
5> For a pinch runner, the manager sends in the winner of the sausage race.
4> Mike Piazza starts leaving after the fifth inning every Thursday so he doesn’t miss “Will and Grace.”
3> The equipment manager starts wholesaling Sammy’s bats to Robert Mondavi.
2> The announcer says, “Catching and batting fourth, Mmmmmmmmmmmmmme!”
1> The catcher’s down to just two signs: “whatever” and “I don’t give a rat’s ass.”
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[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]