Did you know you can get aids from sitting on the tolet.If you sit down before the other guy gets up
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Three Hymns
One Sunday a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he’d like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor.
He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, “I’ll take him and him and him!”
Knock KnockWho’s there?Waiter!Waiter who?Waiter I
Knock KnockWho’s there?Waiter!Waiter who?Waiter I get my hands on you!
Cheney and the Bushes on a Plane
Dick Cheney, President Bush and his father are flying on Air Force One. Dick looks at Dubya, chuckles and says, “You know, I could throw a $100.00 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy.”
Dubya shrugs his shoulders and says, “Well, I could throw ten $10.00 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy.” George Bush Senior says, “Of course then, I could throw one-hundred $1.00 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy.”
The pilot rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, “I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy.”
Sunbaking Nude
A certain young man finally won a date with the blonde female of somewhat questionable morals that lived in his apartment complex.To prepare for his big date, the young man went up on to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself.
Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude. Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof, and managed to get a sunburn on his “tool of the trade”. But the young man was determined not to miss his date, so he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze.
The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man treated her to a homecooked dinner, after which they went into the livingroom to watch a movie. During the movie, however, the young man’s sunburn started acting up again.He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen, and poured a tall, cool glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain.
The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his johnson immersed in a glass of milk. Upon seeing this, the blonde exclaimed, “So that’s how you guys load those things!”
The Ethical Question
Upon seeing an elderly lady for the drafting of her will, the attorney
charged her $100. She gave him a $100 bill, not noticing that it was stuck
to another $100 bill. On seeing the two bills stuck together, the ethical
question came to the attorney’s mind, “Do I tell my partner?”
Lawyer and Blonde
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long
flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if
she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take
a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to
catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the
game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains “I ask you a
question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5, and
visa-versa.” Again, she politely declines and tries to get some
sleep.
The lawyer, now some what agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t
know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don’t know the answer, I
will pay you $50!” figuring that since she is a blonde that he
will easily win the match. This catches the blonde’s attention
and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless
she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from
the earth to the moon?” The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches
in to her purse, pulls out a $5 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it’s the blonde’s turn. She asks the lawyer: “What goes up
a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?” The lawyer
looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop
computer and searches all his references. He taps into the
Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of
Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his coworkers and
friends. All to no avail.
After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The
blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to
sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the
blonde and asks, “Well, so what IS the answer!?” Without a word,
the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes
back to sleep.
Old Professions
A surgeon, an architect, and a politician were considering the question of whose profession was the oldest. “I think my line of work would win this one hands down,” the surgeon said. “After all, Eve was created from Adam’s rib, and that sounds like surgery to me.” “Maybe,” the architect said, “but before Adam, order was created out of chaos. That was an architectural accomplishment.” “Sure,” the politician said. “But before that, someone had to create the chaos.”
Witch Docta’
After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to
perform.
He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing
works. Finally the doctor says to him “This is all in your mind” and
refers him to a psychiatrist.
After a few visits to the shrink, he confesses, “I am at a loss as to how
you could possibly be cured.” Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a
witchdoctor.
The witchdoctor says, “I can cure this.” He throws some powder on a flame,
and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witchdoctor says “This
is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to
do is say ‘123’ and it shall rise for as long as you wish!”
The guy then asks the witchdoctor “What happens when it’s over?” The
witchdoctor says “All you or your partner has to say is ‘1234’ and it will
go down. But be warned; it will not work again for a year!”
The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the
good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says “123,” and suddenly he
gets an erection.
His wife turns over and says “What did you say ‘123’ for?”
Disorderly Conduct
Three men stood before a judge on a charge of disorderly conduct in a public park.
Judge:
“What were you doing?”
1st man:
“Oh, just throwing peanuts in the pond.”
Judge:
“And what were you doing?”
2nd man:
“I was throwing peanuts in the pond, too.”
Judge:
“Sounds harmless. And you, were you
throwing peanuts in the pond as well?”
3rd man:
“No, sir. I AM Peanuts!”
“Little boy, I don’t care
“Little boy, I don’t care if your dog can talk. Please
tell him this is a Tardis, not a Way-Back Machine”.
In a surprise interview, Monica
In a surprise interview, Monica was asked about the details of her late
night meetings with the President…
“I can’t remember the details, she said,but I know the answer is on the
tip of my tongue!”