Tommy: You wore that outfit the day after yesterday!Fred: No I didn’t!Tommy: Yes you did!Answer: The day After Yesterday is Today!
Author: admin
How are Congressmen and baseball players alike?
Q: How are Congressmen and baseball players alike?
A: They are millionaires who work 3 hours a day and left in August not
finishing what they had started.
Proctologists Beer
A proctologist was getting ready to examine a patient. He buzzed his nurse and asked her to bring him a light.
A short time later, the nurse walked in and handed him a bottle of beer.
The doctor looked at the bottle in his hand, looked at the nurse, and said, “No, Nurse. I wanted a BUTT light!”
Rude Parrot
David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was
fully-grown with a bad attitude and terrible vocabulary. Every
other word was an expletive. Those that weren’t expletives were,
to say the least, rude.
David tried hard to change the bird’s attitude. He was
constantly saying polite words and playing soft music; he tried
everything he knew. Nothing worked. When he yelled at the bird,
the bird got worse. If he shook the bird, the bird got madder
and ruder.
Finally in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the
freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking
and screaming horrible expletives. Then, suddenly, there was
quiet. David was frightened that he might have actually hurt the
bird and opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto David’s extended arm and
said, “I’m sorry that I might have offended you with my language
and actions, so I ask for your forgiveness. I will endeavor to
correct my behavior.” David was astounded at the bird’s change
of attitude and was about to ask what had changed him . . . when
the parrot continued, “May I ask what the chicken did?”
Computer use of a blonde!
How can you tell if a blonde has been using a computer?
The joystick is wet and theres white out on the screen!
Hogwarts Expulsion
Hogwarts Expulsion
Why was Harry Potter kicked out of Hogwarts? He was caught playing with
his broomstick.
Knock KnockWho’s there?Frederick!Frederick who?Frederick Express!
Knock KnockWho’s there?Frederick!Frederick who?Frederick Express!
Beer Troubleshooting
BEER TROUBLESHOOTING
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.
SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It’s water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.
SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
SYMPTOM: Don’t recognize anyone, don’t recognize the room you’re in.
FAULT: You’ve wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.
SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.
SYMPTOM: Don’t remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.
Question and answer blonde joke
Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?A: Flattered.
Idiot
Don’t argue with an idiot!
People watching may not be able to tell the difference.
The hunters
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: ��My friend is dead! What can I do?�� The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: ��Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.�� There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: ok, now what?
Dave’s Night Out
Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, “Hey, Dave, how ya doin’?”
His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.
“Oh no,” says Dave. “He’s on my bowling team.”
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, “You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser.”
“No, honey, she’s in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them.”
A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. “Hi Davey,” she says, “Want your usual table dance?”
Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.
The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.”