Coincidence?

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.

John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.

John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.

Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.

Both Presidents were shot in the head.

Lincoln’s secretary was named Kennedy.

Kennedy’s secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were aqsassinated by Southerners.

Both were succeeded by Southerners.

Both successors were named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.

Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.

Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.

Both names are comprised of fifteen letters.

Lincoln was shot at the theater named ‘Kennedy.’

Kennedy was shot in a aar called ‘Lincoln.’

Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.

Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

And here’s the kicker…

A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.

A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe.

Painting Blonde

One day, a blonde wife, roughly 25, wanted to prove to her husband that not all blondes were dumb. So she decided she was going to paint the house while he was at work. When her husband got home,he noticed that she was digging through the closet,looking for something.
When he asked her what she was doing, she said,”the paint can said,for best results,to use two coats.”

Pregnant lady

A lady around seven months pregnant got on a street car and sat down.

She noticed the man opposite her smiling. Feeling humiliated, she promptly changed her seat.

This time, his smile turned to a grin. She changed her seat again.

He seemed still more amused.

When on the fourth change he burst out laughing, she could not bear it any longer.

She complained to the conductor, who had the man arrested.

When the date came up in court the judge asked the man if he had anything to say.

“Your honor, it was like this,” he said. “When the lady came in, I could not help but notice her condition.”

“She sat under a sign that read, ‘Gold Dust Twins coming.’ I had to smile to myself”.

“Then she moved under an ad that said, ‘Use Sloan’s Linament to reduce that swelling.'”

“When she placed herself under ‘William’s Stick Did It,’ I couldn’t hold myself.”

“The fourth time she sat below, ‘Goodyear Rubber would have prevented this accident,’ and I laughed out loud!”

“Dismissed,” said the judge.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

Praying Parrots

A lady approaches a priest and tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but They only say “Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some FUN?'”

“That’s terrible!”, the priest exclaimed, “Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship.”

So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest’s house. The priest’s two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

The lady puts her female talking parrots in and they say, “Hi, we are Prostitutes! Do you want to have some FUN?”

One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and says, “PUT THE BIBLES AWAY! OUR PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED!!!!!”

Blind Skydiving

A blind man was describing his favorite sport – parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go.

“But how do you know when you are going to land?” he was asked.

“Well, I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground”, he answered.

“But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?” he was again asked.

He quickly answered, “Oh that? The dog’s leash goes slack!”

Best Friend

Bartender looks down to the end of the bar and sees a guy with his head down who hasn’t touched his drink for over a half an hour. He heads over to talk to him. “Hey pal, is something wrong?””Yeah,… I’m really depressed””Why, what’s the matter?””I caught my wife in bed with my best friend””Wow, that’s horrible. What did you do?””I kicked her out of the house, sent her packing it’s over””That’s pretty drastic, what did you do to your best friend?””I sat him down… tied him up… looked him straight in the eye… and said… Bad Dog! Bad Dog!”

Is That Because Mama?

There was this little black kid in the 2nd grade and on the first day of school they were doing math. When he got home his mom asked how his day was, and he replied,”I didn’t like it mama we did math today, and I didn’t do good. Every one was smarter than me mama. Why is that mama?” His mom then replied, “That’s because you’re black son.” The next day he went back to school they were doing spelling. When he got home his mom asked how his day was, and he replied,”I didn’t like it mama we did math today, and I didn’t do good. Every one was smarter than me mama. Why is that mama?” His mom then replied, “That’s because you’re black son.” The next day at school they had gym and he could run faster, jump higher, and when they went to the restrooms and he had a bigger dick than every one else. When he got home his mom asked how his day was, and he replied, “I had so much fun mama, we had gym today and I could run faster, jump higher and when I went to the bathroom my dick was longer than everyones. Is that because I’m black mama?” His mom replied, “No son that’s because you’re 18.