ur so dumb you tried to sit in the corner of a round room
Author: admin
Finding the height of a skyscraper with a barometer
“Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer.” One student replied:”You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building.”This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed. The student appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case. The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did not display any noticeable knowledge of physics. To resolve the problem it was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to provide a verbal answer which showed at least a minimal familiarity with the basic principles of physics.For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought. The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn’t make up his mind which to use.On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows:”Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground. The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H = 0.5g x t squared. But bad luck on the barometer.””Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of the skyscraper’s shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work out the height of the skyscraper.” “But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is worked out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force T = 2 pi sqroot (l / g).””Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easier to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up.””If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you could use the barometer to measure the air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper and on the ground, and convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the height of the building.””But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the janitor’s door and say to him ‘If you would like a nice new barometer, I will give you this one if you tell me the height of this skyscraper’.”The student was Niels Bohr, the only person from Denmark to win the Nobel prize for Physics.
The Seven Deadly Sins of Gilligan’s Island
The Seven Deadly Sins of Gilligan’s Island theory is quite simple.Each of the seven characters on the island represents each of the seven deadly sins. Now, this theory seems to fit upon initial inspection, there are technical difficulties when you get down to THE MAN himself, Gilligan. Run with me on this one…Most obvious is the Professor, who fits PRIDE to a T. Any man who can make a ham radio out of some wire and two coconuts has to be pretty cocky. (His character was later revised and given a series of his own, called MacGyver’.)For the sin of ENVY we need look no further than Maryann, who may have worn those skimpy little tops, but could never achieve Ginger’s glamour. (As an interesting and completely irrelevant side note, a nationwide survey of college students a few years ago revealed that the professor and Maryann were voted the most likely couple to have ‘done it’ on the island.)And who could doubt for a moment that Ginger is LUST incarnate? Sure, the kids were supposed to think she was ACTING, but we all know what being deprived episode after episode was doing to her. You know and I know that glazed look wasn’t boredom, my friends.What kind of person takes a trunk full of money on a three-hour cruise? Mr Howell gets my vote for GREED.We are now left with three characters and three Deadly Sins. We have Gilligan, the Skipper and Mrs Howell to whom we must match GLUTTONY, SLOTH and ANGER. As you can see, there is a Gilligan problem here. Certainly we can further eliminate Mrs Howell from this equation by connecting her with SLOTH. She did jack shit during her many years on the island and everybody knows it.This leaves ANGER and GLUTTONY, either of which the Skipper had no shortage. He was, after all, a big guy with the tendency to hit Gilligan with his hat at least once an episode. After much consideration, I have decided that he can easily do double-duty, covering the two remaining Deadly Sins.So here we have the Seven Deadly Sins trapped in an endlessly recurring Hell of hope followed by denial and despair, forced to live with each other in our TVs until the last re-run ends.And who is their captor? What keeps them trapped there? Gilligan. Gilligan is SATAN. Think about it.
‘Twas the night before Christmas
‘Twas the night before Christmas in Old Kandihar,
And Osama Bin Laden felt far below par
For he’d been on the run since the day when the Yanks
Had first littered the landscape with the planes and the
tanks
That Osama’s buddies, those fierce Taliban kind,
Were supposed to be using to protect his behind.
So he put on his turban and took to his bed,
While visions of cruise missiles danced in his head.
Then up on the roof there arose such a clatter,
He sprang to his feet to see what was the matter,
And what to his wondering eyes did appear
But two squads of marines, in full battle gear.
And Taliban bodies flew left and flew right.
As they yelled ‘Semper Fi!’ and ‘oo-rahed’ in delight
And as two marines burst into the room,
He peed himself, because he knew they spelled doom.
“Death to the Infidel!” Osama cried,
“You’ve got it, buddy,” the grunts both replied
And bullets arrived in torrents and showers,
That left less of him than he’d left of the towers.
“oh, shit,” was his last thought as his spleen it was diced.
At least my soul’s headed straight to paradise,
But the heavenly streets made his soul’s face turn green
‘Cause the whole place was guarded by US Marines!
Grenade
What do you do whaen a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull out the pin, and throw it back!!!
Redneck Driver’s License Application
Redneck Driver’s License Application…
Plez compleet this paper, best ya can.
Last name: ________________
First name:
[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue
Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: [_]M [_]F [_]None
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation:
[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress
[_] Un-employed [_] Dirty Politician
Spouse’s Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse’s Name: __________________________
3rd Spouse’s Name: __________________________
Lover’s Name: __________________________
2nd Lover’s Name: __________________________
Relationship with spouse:
[_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother [_] Uncle
[_] Mother [_] Son
[_] Father [_] Daughter
[_] Cousin [_] Pet
Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number of children that are yours: ___
Mother’s Name: _______________________
Father’s Name: _______________________
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
If you obtained a higher education what was your major?
[_] 5th grade [_] 6th grade
Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?
Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Age you started drivin ______ (If over 10 are you are still
slow lerrnin ? [_] Yes [_] No)
Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck ____ kitchen
____ bedroom ____ bathroom/outhouse
____ shed ____ pawnshop
Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_
Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Rifle and Shotgun [_] Bassmasters
___ Number of times you’ve seen a UFO
___ Number of times you’ve seen Elvis
___ Number of times you’ve seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not Applicable
How many teeth in YOUR mouth? ___
Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown [_] Black
[_] N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
[_] Red-Man [_] Skoal
How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile
[_] 2 miles
[_] don’t know
Military Computer
World War III.
The US has succeeded in building a computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem. Military leaders are assembled in front of the new machine and instructed to feed a difficult tactical problem into it. They describe a hypothetical situation to the computer and then ask the pivotal question: attack or retreat?
The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with the answer: YES.
The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied.
Finally one of them submits a second request to the computer: YES WHAT?
Instantly the computer responded: YES SIR.
Dorm Prank
In the dorm, one of the favorite intramural sports was water fights. Dousing and bombarding one another with water from squirt guns, glasses, balloons, even wastebaskets. Since each room had a sink, there was endless ammunition. The most frequent target was the resident assistant.
Approaching his room one afternoon, he noticed his door was ajar. Looking up, he saw a pail of water balanced on the door’s edge, ready to fall on him. As he took down the pail and emptied it into his sink, he thought, Those crazy guys actually thought they could fool me with that old gag! It was then he realized that “those crazy guys” had removed the drainpipe beneath the sink.
Three nuns were sitting on
Three nuns were sitting on a park bench one day. A flasher walked up and showed
them his stuff.
The first nun had a stroke.
The second nun had a stroke.
The third nun’s arm was too short.
Old Age Eyesight
The old man was a witness in a burglary trial. The defence lawyer asks Sam, “Did you see my client commit this burglary?””Yes,” said Sam, “I saw him plainly take the goods.”The lawyer asks Sam again, “Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?””Yes” says Sam, “I saw him do it.”Then the lawyer asks Sam, “Sam listen, you are 80 years old and your eyesight probably is bad. Just how far can you see at night?”Sam says, “I can see the moon, how far is that?”
Smell it
What do a pizza delivery guy & a gynocologist have in common?
They can both smell it but can’t eat it.
Frito lay
Q: What did the potato chip say to the battery?
A: If you’re Eveready, I’m Frito Lay.