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A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along.
“I’ll never do that again!” he told his mother that evening. “I didn’t catch a thing!”
“Oh, next time I’m sure she’ll be quiet and not scare the fish away,” his mother said.
The boy said, “It wasn’t that. She ate all the bait.”
What’s the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the
road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.
12> No Penis = No Problems
11> Bitchy?!? You ain’t seen NOTHING yet!
10> I Won’t Screw *You*, Either
9> Help Wanted: Male interns
8> Hey, you’d run, too, if *you* were Bill Clinton’s wife.
7> Hillary for Senate: Because Bubba’s Alimony Just Ain’t Gonna Cut It
6> As Portrayed By Emma Thompson!
5> Building a Bridge Away From My Husband
4> C’mon — Just to Spite Ken Starr
3> Keeping It In My Pants Since 1973!
2> Well *I* Certainly Never Had Sex With That Woman, Miss Lewinsky
1> I Got Your Senate Candidate Right Here!
[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ] [ The Top 5 List [email protected] http://www.topfive.com ]A closed mouth gathers no foot in the ass.
Q: What do college students and deer have in common?
A: They both stand in the middle of the road and stare at your headlights.
your mamma is so fat she used her panties hoes for a bungie cord.
2 BLONDES WALK INTO A BUILDING….. WOULDN’T YOU THINK AT LEAST ONE OF THEM WOULD HAVE SEEN IT??
So, four nuns die at about the same time, and are waiting at the pearly gates to consult St. Peter. He says, “Next!”
He asks the first nun, “Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask this: Have you ever come in contact with a penis?”
The first nun says, embarrased, “Well, I was a nurse for a while, Mr. Peter, so, yes, I had to touch a few penises in my time…”
St. Peter says, “No problem! Just wash your hands out in that there fountain of holy water, and go right in!” So the nun washes her hands, and the gates spring open, the music plays, and the first nun walks right in.
Then St. Peter asks the second nun, “Have you ever come in contact with a penis?”
The second nun says, embarrassed, “Well, once I was trying to convert some people, and I wandered into a movie theater by accident. There was a penis on the screen…”
“Not to worry!” laughs St. Peter. “Just wash your eyes out in the fountain of holy water over there, and you’re set!” So the nun washes her eyes, and the gates spring open, the music plays, and the second nun walks right in.
Then St. Peter begins to ask the third nun. “Have you ever come in cont…”
Suddenly, the fourth nun interrupts! “Um, Mr. Peter, I reeeaaaallly have to go first!”
“Be patient, child, you’ll have your turn,” says St. Peter. He turns to the third one again. “Now, have you ever come in contact with…”
“Mr. PETER!!!!” The fourth one screams. “I REALLY have to go first.” “I’ll ask you in just a moment! I have to ask this young lady first!”
“NO WAY!” the fourth one says, practically fuming. “I’m not gonna was out my mouth in that fountain after she washes her ass out in it!!”
A 47-year-old man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He really likes it. He was heading toward McDonalds when he stopped and asked a man, “excuse me for asking, but, what age do I look like?” The man says, “To me, you look 35.” The guy says, “Really! I’m actually 47!” and walks to on.
Once he gets to McDonalds, he asks the orderer the same question. The orderer says, “To me, you look 29.” The guy says, “Really! I’m actually 47!” and then leaves.
At the bus stop, he asks an old lady the same question. She says, “I’m 87, my eye sight isn’t that well. Although, I can tell your age by having my hand down your pants for 10 minutes.” The guy sees no one around and says what the hell and lets her…
…after ten minutes, she takes her hand out and says, “Alright, you’re 47.” The guy is surprised and says, “WOW! How did you know?” The old woman says, “I was standing behind you at McDonalds.”
Un borracho est� golpeando un farol de la calle; se acerca otro borracho:
“�Qu� haces ah�?”
“�Yo? Llamando a mi casa”.
“Pues insiste, insiste, que hay luz”.
Out in the middle of darkest Africa there was a White Missionary living with a tribe of black natives. One day the big chief comes along and calls the Missionary into his hut, where he was sharpening his big axe. He explains to the white man that his daughter has just given birth to a white baby, and that since he’s the only white man for thousands of miles, he will be the main course that night.
“Now just hang on a minute, give me a chance to explain chief,” says the Missionary. “You’re jumping to conclusions here. Let me tell you a story. See all those white sheep out in the field and how there’s one black one amongst them.”
“OK!” says the Chief,” You say nothing, I say nothing!”
Grandpa and Grandpa were sitting in their porch rockers watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about “the good old days,” when Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, “Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?” Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and obligingly took her aged hand in his.
With a wry little smile, Grandma pressed a little farther, “Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged, you’d sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on the cheek?” Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek.
Growing bolder still, Grandma said, “Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you’d kind of nibble on my ear?” Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house.
Alarmed, Grandma said, “Honey, where are you going?”
Grandpa replied, “To get my teeth!”