Money can’t buy happiness but it can certainly rent it for a couple of hours.
Author: admin
Who would Know?
The man passed out in a dead faint as he came out of hisfront door onto the
porch. Someone called 911.
When the paramedics arrived, they helped him regainconsciousness and asked if
he knew what caused him to faint.
“It was enough to make anybody faint,” he said. “My son asked me for the keys
to the garage, and instead of driving the car out, he came out with the lawn
mower!”
Drunk 911 Call
A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender to give him a shot of tequilla.
The man downs the first one, slams the glass on the bar and immediately asks for another.
The bartender gives him another shot. The man downs the second one and slams the glass on the bar again. He repeatidly asks for shots of tequilla until the bartender refuses him to give him anymore.
Disgustidly the man exits the bar cussing and yelling at the bartender making a complete fool of himself. About two minutes later the drunk comes running back in the bar in panic. He urgently asks the bartender to hand him the phone.
The drunk takes the phone and dials 911. When the police answer the phone the man says, “Somebody has broken into my car.
They took my steering wheel, my accelerator and brake pedal, and even my dashboard.”
The police reply that they will be down in a few minutes. The man walks out of the bar again, then returns a couple of minutes later. He picks up the phone and dials 911 again. When the police answers the phone the man says, “I just called about a car that had been broken into.
Never mind I mistakenly got in the back seat.”
Professor Bonk
Introductory Chemistry at Duke University has been taught for about a zillion years by Professor Bonk (really), and his course is semi-affectionately known as “Bonkistry.” He has been around forever, so I wouldn’t put it past him to come up with something like this.
Anyway, one year there were these two guys who were taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, etc., such that going into the final they had a solid A.
These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go up to UVirginia and party with some friends up there.
So they did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn’t make it back to Duke until early monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find Professor Bonk after the final and explain to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to UVa for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn’t have a spare and couldn’t get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus.
Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about molarity and solutions and was worth 5 points. “Cool” they thought, “this is going to be easy.” They did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page. It said:
(95 points) Which tire?
Wanna get smart
a boy walked to school and on his way there he found a pile of rabbit turds. the boy slipped the turds into his pocket.
the boy went to the school house and sat at his desk.he would act like he was slipping the turds into his mouth but was really slipping them into his pocket.
a girl beside him asked wat he was taking and the boy responded ” im taking get smart pills”
the little girl says ” well get smart pills give me some of those. the boy reaches into his pocket and pulls out a turd and gave it to the girl. the girl slipped it into her mouth and screamed ” this taste like poopy” and the boy responds “look ur already getting smarter.
Chinese Honeymoon
A Chinese couple gets married. She’s a virgin and, truth be told, he is none
too experienced either.
On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband
undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring: “My darring,” he
says, “I know dis yo firs time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you
anyting you want, I do anyting – jus anyting you want. Whatchou want?” he asks,
trying to sound experienced.
He hopes this will impress his virgin bride.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her
request.
She eventually replies shyly and unsurely, “I want … numba 69.”
Now he is caught up in thoughtful silence. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he
asks, “You want … Beef wif Broccori?”
Juan Ignacio, �te olvidaste otra
Juan Ignacio, �te olvidaste otra vez!
“�De qu�, M�nica?”
“�Hoy cumplimos 20 a�os de casados!”
“Pe… Pe… Pero, �c�mo me voy a olvidar de eso?”
“Quiero que me lleves a cenar, a ver un buen espectaculo y a bailar.”
“Justamente eso era lo que ten�a planeado.”
“Bueno, quiero que me lleves al Solid Gold.”
“�Queeeeeeeeeee? �Est�s loca? Eso es un antro!”
“�Quiero que me lleves ah�! Y punto.”
Y fueron… Apenas llegaron, el g�ey que estacionaba los autos, dijo:
“Buenas, �C�mo le va caballero? Qu� bueno verlo otra vez.”
La mujer salta sorprendida:
“�Qu� dice �ste? Dijo que qu� bueno verte otra vez. �Has venido?”
“�Yo? �Pero est�s loca? A este pinche antro… Le dicen a todos lo mismo. Estos lugares son as�.”
Aparece el portero: “Senor L�pez… un gusto.”
“Te dijo senor L�pez… te conoce.”
“Ehhh, y c�mo no me va a conocer si este tipo trabaja en el edificio de mi oficina. Es el electricista del edificio.”
Los recibe Jerome: “Monsieur L�pez, la mejor mesa como siempre, verdad.”
“�Este franc�s tambi�n es electricista en tu oficina?, te voy a matar!”
“No… ehh… no… este franc�s me conoce porque es el que me vendi� los pasajes de Air France para ir con tu mam�.”
“Me est�s…”
En ese momento aparece la vendedora de cigarrillos: “Cachiitttoooooo! �Te doy tu habanito?” La cigarrera se pone el habano entre las tetotas: “�M�teme la manita, cachito, y saca tu habanito!”
M�nica est� a punto de matarlo. En ese momento se apagan las luces y empieza el espect�culo. Aparece una mujer super sensacional que empieza a hacer un strip-tease espeluznante. Cuando se queda solamente con la tanguita se acerca a la mesa y, muy mimosa, pregunta a toda la concurrencia:
“Y ahora, �qui�n me va a sacar la tanguita?”
Todos los presentes gritan a coro: “Se ve, se siente, Juan Ignacio con los dientes! Se ve, se siente, Juan Ignacio con los dientes!!!”
M�nica no aguanta m�s y sale corriendo. Se mete en un taxi, Juan Ignacio la sigue y sube al mismo taxi. La mujer empieza a pegarle y quiere arrojarlo fuera.
“Eres el m�s grande hijo de puta de toda la historia.”
M�nica se saca un zapato y empieza a pegarle en la cabeza y a gritarle groser�as hist�rica.
En ese momento el taxista se da vuelta y dice:
“�Mire que hemos llevado pinches locas Don Juan Ignacio, pero como esta cabrona ninguna!”
Monica Lewinsky and a change machine?
Why are Monica Lewinsky and a change machine alike?
They both say…”insert Bill here!”
Miner visits bar
A miner comes out of the hills, enters a bar, orders a drink. Looking around, he asks the bartender, “Hey, where�re all the wimmin?”
The Barman replies, “Ain�t no wimmin here, not fer a long time.”
“Well what do y�all do?”
“We do it with the animals.”
Thoroughly disgusted, he ordered another drink and headed back to the hills.
Months later, same story… After downing too many whiskeys he asked the bartender, “You�re sure you do it with the animals?”
“Yes, we do, sir”
Hearing this, he raced into the street and saw a pig run into an alley. He chased after it and started having his way with it, the pig squealing. After a while he heard a noise behind him. He turned to look and saw half the town, horrified.
The bartender was in front and said, “My God, man, what are you doing?”
“I thought you said you all did it with the animals.”
“Yeah, but no one fucks the sheriff�s broad!”
Una tortugita comienza a
Una tortugita comienza a subirse, penosa y lentamente, a un �rbol. Despu�s de varias horas de esfuerzo, cuando llega a la punta, se lanza al vac�o y se da un feroz golpe en el suelo.
Al rato, la misma tortugita vuelve a hacer el esfuerzo y lentamente, trepando como puede, llega de nuevo casi a la punta, se lanza y se vuelve a dar otro costalazo. Nuevamente, testaruda, hace otro tremendo esfuerzo y despu�s de mucho rato y muchos jadeos, va llegando a la punta del �rbol cuando se resbala, se vuelve a caer, agita sus patitas y se pega nuevamente un gran golpe en el suelo.
En el mismo �rbol, en el extremo de una rama , hab�a una pareja de palomas mirando a la tortuguita con l�stima. Entonces, la paloma hembra le dice al palomo macho: “Oye, querido, �No te parece que ya es tiempo que le digamos a la tortugita que ella es adoptada?”
Arab and an Israeli
Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat.
Just before takeoff a fat, little Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, “I think I’ll go up and get a coke.”
“No problem,” said the Israeli. “I’ll get it for you.” While he was gone, the Arab picked up the Israeli’s shoe and spit in it.
When the Israeli returned with the coke, the other Arab said, “That looks good. I think I’ll have one too.”
Again, the Israeli obligingly went to fetch it, and while he is gone the Arab other picked up the other shoe and spit in it.
The Israeli returned with the coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to New York.
As the plane was landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
“How long must this go on?” he asked. “This enmity between our peoples….. this hatred… this animosity… this spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?”
Thursdays
A man goes to Hell.
The devil says, “Hello, welcome to Hell. Do you like to drink?”
Man says, “Yes, I love to.”
Devil says, “Great, that’s what we do every Monday. Hey, do you like to smoke?”
Man says, “Yes.”
Devil says, “Great, that’s Tuesday. Do you like to gamble?”
Man says, “Yes, that’s why I’m down here.”
Devil says, “Good that’s what we do every Wednesday. By any chance are you gay?”
Man replies, “No.”
Devil says, “Well then you’re going to hate Thursdays.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci