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Comfortable

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A blonde and a brunette are running a ranch together in Louisiana. They decide they need a bull to mate with their cows to increase their herd. The brunette takes their life savings of $600 dollars and goes to Texas to buy a bull. She eventually meets with an old cowboy that will sell her a bull.
“It’s the only one I got for $599, take it or leave it.”

She buys the bull and goes to the local telegram office and says, “I’d like to send a telegram to my friend in Louisiana that says: Have found the stud bull for our ranch, bring the trailer.”

The man behind the counter tells her, “Telegrams to anywhere in the U.S. are $. 75 per word.”

She thinks about it for a moment and decides. “I’d like to send one word, please.”

“And what word would that be?” inquires the man.

“Comfortable,” replies the brunette.

The man asks, “I’m sorry miss, but is your friend gonna understand this telegram?”

The brunette replies, “My friend is blonde and reads REAL slow, when she gets this, she will see COM-FOR-DA-BULL.”

Two assholes

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Two Iraqis went to the desert for a vacation. They rented a camel and headed out. Five days later they came back but without the camel.

The man who had rented them the camel was very upset and screamed, “Where is my camel?”

The Iraqis replied, “Well, we were riding along when we kept hearing people say, ‘Look at the two assholes on that camel!’ So finally we got off to take a look and the damn camel ran away!”

Guy goes to a doctor

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Guy goes to a doctor and says, “Doc, you’ve got to help me. My penis is
orange.” Doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he
can check. Damned if the guy’s penis isn’t orange. Doc tells the guy,
“This
is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress
in a person’s life.”

Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, “How
are
things going at work?” The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks
ago. The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress. Guy
responds, “No. The boss was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30 hours of
overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening. I
found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I’m
getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really
great guy.” So the doc figures this isn’t the reason.

He asks the guy, “How’s your home life?” The guy says, “Well, I got
divorced about eight months ago.” The doc figures that this has got to be
the reason for all of the guys stress. Guy says, “No. For years, all I
listened to was nag, nag, nag. God, am I glad to be rid of that old
bitch.”
So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer.

He inquires, “Do you have any hobbies or a social life?” The guy replies,
“No, not really. Most nights I sit home, watch some porno flicks and
munch
on Cheetos.”

Victorias Secret…

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TOP TEN THINGS MEN SHOULDN’T SAY OUT LOUD AT VICTORIA’S SECRET

10. Does this come in children’s sizes?
9. No thanks, just sniffing
8. I’ll be in the dressing room going blind
7. Mom will love this
6. Oh size won’t matter, she’s inflatable.
5. No need to wrap it, I’ll eat it here
4. Will you model this for me?
3. The Miracle what?!? This is better than world peace!!
2. $45 bucks?! You’re just gonna end up naked anyway!!!!

And the number one thing that a man should NEVER, EVER say out loud in
Victoria’s Secret is:

1. Oh honey, you’ll never squeeze your fat ass into that!!!!!!

Fairy Tail Wish

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An old woman saved a fairy’s life. To repay this, the fairy promised to grant the old woman three wishes.

For the first wish, the old lady asked to become young and beautiful. Poof! She became young and beautiful.

For the second wish, the old lady asked to be richest woman in the world.

Poof! She was the richest woman in the world.

For the last wish, she pointed at the cat she had kept for years. She asked that he be turned into the most handsome man on earth.

After all, he had been her best friend for so many years.

Poof! The fairy turned the cat into the most handsome man on earth.

The old lady and the fairy said their goodbyes.

After the fairy left, the handsome man strolled over to her and asked, “Now aren’t you sorry you had my balls cut off?”

The Rainbow Bridge

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Once upon a time there were three men who heard a tale of the
fabled Rainbow Bridge. These three men had heard that if you
jumped off the bridge into the valley below, the you would land
in whatever you wished for during the fall. So these three men
travelled to the bridge. The first man stood at the side of the
bridge, jumped off, shouted ‘billions of thousand dollar bills’
and he land in a huge pile of money. The second guy stood at
the side of the bridge, jumped off, shouted ‘naked supermodels’
and he landed in the arms of hundreds of naked supermodels
(female and MALE). The third guy had no idea what to wish for.
He stood at the edge of the bridge for a long time, finally he
took a step forward, tripped, screamed ‘shit’ and landed…in a
pile of poo.

Quotes About the French

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“As far as I’m concerned, war always means failure.”
– Jacques Chirac, President of France.
“As far as France is concerned, you’re right.”
– Rush Limbaugh.
“What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its
national will fighting against Disney World and Big Macs than the Nazis?”
– Dennis Miller.
“You know why the French don’t want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates
Americans, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French, people.”
– Conan O’Brien.

You Might Be a Redneck If…

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Your 2 year old has more teeth than you do.

You mow your lawn and find your long lost convertible.

You mistake the offering plates for an ashtray.

You make change in the offering plate.

You go to family reunions to meet girls.

You call your boss dude.

When you see a sign that says no to crack you pull up your pants.

When your amazed that your son finally said his first word and
he is 21.

When your 5 year old can count higher than you.

When somebody yells hoe down your girfriend drops to the floor.

You go racoon hunting on your honeymoon.

Why me!?!

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A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed.

However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.

The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, “Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don’t think it’s fair – there were plenty of other cars around me going just as fast, so why did *I* get the ticket?”

“Ever go fishing?” the policeman suddenly asked the man. “Ummm, yeah…” the startled man replied.

The officer grinned and added, “Ever catch *all* the fish?”