I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. And tomorrow isn’t looking good either. I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege. Young at Heart. Slightly Older in Other Places. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, ‘Where the hell is the ceiling?!’ Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I will show you a man who can’t get his pants off! We have a strange and wonderful relationship. You’re strange and I’m wonderful, or should that be I’m strange and you’re wonderful? Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether. If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales? It’s gonna be like threading a needle with a haystack. The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat. Am I getting smart with you? ….How would you know? Not one shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious. The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets. I put the ‘fun’ in dysfunctional. Life is like a box of chocolates. It’s full of nuts. All I ask is that you treat me no differently than you would the Queen. Does ‘anal retentive’ have a hyphen? I get plenty of exercise — jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines. Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won’t spoil me. Does vacuuming count as Aerobic Exercise? I have not yet begun to procrastinate. You’re slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter. I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier. I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous. Just remember, no matter where you go, there you are. — It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission. There are two rules for ultimate success in life. 1. Never tell everything you know. Just because you’re paranoid, it doesn’t mean they’re NOT out to get you……………. I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode. When I get to where I’m going, will somebody please tell me where I am? Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will Whiz on your computer. Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
Author: admin
Q: How many Dartmouth
Q: How many Dartmouth students does it take to change a lightbulb?A: None–Hanover doesn’t have electricity!Note: Dartmouth is way out in the middle of nowhere in New Hampshire.
Absolution
While the Pope was in St. Louis he decided to grant absolution to three sinners. The first person to come up was Richard Nixon.
The Pope asked, “What is your sin?”
“I hired people to break into the Watergate hotel.”
The Pope replied, “Kneel down. I’ll bless you and grant you absolution.”
Next in line was Bill Clinton. “What was your sin, son?”
“I cheated on my wife.” The Philanderer in Chief replied.
“Kneel down, my son. I’ll bless you and grant you absolution.”
A third person came up and the Pope asked, “What is your name?”
“Monica Lewinsky.” The Pope stroked his chin. “Hmmmm….. Perhaps you should remain standing.”
Dearest, My Love, …
Bernie was invited to his friend’s home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded
every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love,
Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, “That is really nice. After all these
years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names.”
Morris hung his head and whispered, “To tell the truth, I forgot her name
three years ago.”
You might be a redneck if… chain
Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.
The fall
if a 300 pound blonde and a 123 pound brunett jumped off a skyscraper who would hit bottom first?
the brunett,couse the blonde would have to stop and ask for directions.
complainig
One day there was a blonde complaining to her best friend.
Blonde: I’m sick and tired of bieng called a dumb blonde!!
Friend: Well you should prove them wrong somehow. Try learning the state capitals!
Blonde: Great idea!
A few days later,thier was a party and the blonde’s friend invited her.
Jock: Hey look! Its a dumb blonde!
Blonde: I’m not dumb!I know the state capitals!
Jock: Oh yeah? Prove it! Whats the capital of Montana?
Blonde: Thats easy! It’s “M”.
Cannibal Roast
Two ferocious cannibal chiefs sat licking their fingers after a large meal.”Your wife makes a delicious roast, “The chief said.”Thanks,” his friend said. “I’m gonna miss her.”
Italian Sausage
They were two guys who just loved Italian sausage touring Italy. Right before they left Italy they went on a tour of an Italian meat factory and talked to one Italian worker. They said “can we see your Italian sausage?””. The worker said with a smirk “”sure!”” and whipped out his ding-a-ling. The tourists were disgusted and ran away. They came upon another worker and asked him the same question. He said “”well if you really want to…”” and whipped out his thing. The tourists were disgusted and ran away. Finally when they were getting ready to leave they saw one more worker. So they decide to ask this guy the same question. The guys response was… “”hold on i keep it in the freezer””
“
Polak Is Mugged
A Polak was jumped by two muggers and fought like hell, but was finally subdued.
His attackers then proceeded to go through his pockets. “You mean you fought like that for 57 cents?” asked one of the muggers incredulously.
“Is that all you wanted?” moaned the Pole.
“I thought you were after the $400 in my shoe!”
You got to open the flaps to get to the good stuff
Q. What does do women and milk cartons have in common?
A. You got to open the flaps to get to the good stuff.
Aladdin
Janet and Michael Jackson were at home one night.
Janet: Shall we get a pizza and video tonight?
Michael: Yeah, ok, can we get Aladdin?
Janet: No, just a pizza and video