Yours Fun Portal !
A ventriloquist is working down South and during his show a hick stands up and yells,”HEY YOU! ON STAGE! You been making smart-ass remarks about us southerners being stupid all night long! We’re not all stupid ya know!”
“Relax” said the ventriloquist, “They’re just jokes!”
“I’m not talking to you, sir!” The hick replied “I’m talking to that little bastard sitting on your knee!”
A member of the Senate, known for his hot temper and acid tongue, explodes one day in mid-session and begins to shout: “Half of this Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!” All the other Senators plead to the angry member that he withdraw his statement, or be removed from the remainder of the session. After a long pause, the angry member accepted.”Ok” he said, “I withdraw what I said. Half of this Senate is NOT made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!”
Mel C. walked into a bar with a pig tied to a piece of string.
“Where the hell did you pick that dirty thing up?” asked the
publican. “Won it in a raffle.” said the pig.
Q: What’s the difference between a spice girl and a computer?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.
Q: What do you do if a spice girl hurls a grenade at you?
A: Take out the pin and throw it back
Q: What do you call a spice girl behind a steering wheel?
A: An airbag
Q. Why are jokes about Spice Girls so short?
A. So that the girls themselves understand them!
Q. How do you make the Spice Girls laugh on Friday?
A. Tell them a joke on Tuesday!
Q. What’s the difference between an intelligent Spice Girl and a
UFO?
A. Dunno – never seen either!
Q: Why do the Spice Girls smile when there is lightning out?
A: They think they are getting their photo taken
Q: A blond and the Spice Girls jumped off the Empire State
building. Who landed first?
A: The blond. The Spice Girls had to stop and ask directions!
I don’t want to say the Spice Girls are stupid, but they think
“menopause” is a button on a VCR.
One day a spice girl went into the hairdresser and asked for a
haircut. She was listening to a walkman. When the hairdresser
went to take it off she cried out “no no no! Leave it on! Just
cut around it!”, so he did. 6 weeks later the same thing
happened again…the hairdresser tried to take the headphones
off, but the spice girl asked him to cut around it. This
happened again, and again until one day when the hairdresser was
cutting the Spice Girl’s hair when she keeled over dead. He
noticed he had accidentally knocked the headphones off. He
picked them up and pressed play. He heard “Breathe in…breathe
out…breathe in…breathe out”
Q: How many Spice Girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they only screw in cars.
Q: What’s the difference between the Spice Girls and a hockey
team?
A: Hockey teams bathe after three periods
Q: Why do Spice Girls have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes go in first.
Q: Why don’t Spice Girls eat bananas?
A: They can’t find the zipper.
Q: How do you know when a Spice Girl has been making choc. chip
cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.
Q: What does a Spice Girl and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They’re both empty from the neck up.
Q: Why did Mel B. get so excited after she finished her jigsaw
puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a case of beer, any kind except Schlitz.
The bartender says, “What’s wrong with Schlitz, don’t you like it?
The man says, “I hate that shit”. Last night I drank a whole case of Schlitz and blew chunks.
The bartender says, “You drink a case of any beer you’re going to blow chunks”.
You don’t understand said the man, Chunks is my dog.
yo mamma so skinny that when they put a dime in her left pocket she leaned to the left.
A kid called up his mom from his college and asked her for some money.
Mom said, “Sure, sweetie. I’ll send you some money. You also left your calculus book here when you visited 2 weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?”
“Uh, oh yeah, OK,” responded the kid.
So mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book.
When she gets back, dad asked, “Well how much did you give the boy this time?”
Mom said, “Oh, I wrote 2 checks, one for $20, and the other for $1000.”
“That’s $1020!!!” yelled dad, “Are you crazy?”
“Don’t worry hon,” mom said, as she kissed dad on the on top of his bald head, “I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1000 one somewhere between the pages in Chapter 19!”
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
“Hurry!” she said, “stand in the corner.”
She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder.
“Don’t move until I tell you to,” she whispered. “Just pretend you’re a statue.”
“What’s this, honey?” the husband enquired as he entered the room.
“Oh, its just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly. “The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too.”
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.
Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
“Here,” he said to the “statue”, “eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Single Woman’s PrayerNow I lay me down to sleep. Please don’t send me no more creeps.Please just send me one good man. One without a wedding band.One good man who’s sweet as pie. Who brushed his teeth and doesn’t lie.Who dresses neat and doesn’t smell. And is sexy like my man Denzel.Is super-rich like Michael J. On second thought, that’s okay.Man, if I should die before I wake, that would truly take the cake;No matrimony or honeymoon. No fancy reception planned for June.No throwing of the wedding bouquet. Please, God, don’t let me go out that way.If I die before I meet Mr. Right I won’t go out without a fight.But then again with my luck, He’d probably be just some schmuck.The single life is not that bad I know it’s just a passing fad.I won’t be blue. I will not frown. Besides, I like my toilet seat down.No more makeup, won’t comb my hair. So never mind this stupid prayer.The single life will do just fine. So what’s up, girlfriend? IT’S PARTY TIME!!!!
A senior couple pulls up to a gas station:
Attendant: How may I help you?
Old Man: Please fill it up.
Old Lady: What did he say?
Old Man [yelling]: He asked what we wanted and I told him to fill it up.
Attendant: So, where are you heading?
Old Man: To Chicago to see our Grandchildren.
Old Lady: What did he say?
Old Man [yelling]: He asked where we’re going. I told him we’re going to
see the Grand kids.
Attendant: It sure is a nice day for a drive.
Old Man: Yes, it’s been quite pleasant.
Old Lady: What did he say?
Old Man: He said its good weather.
Attendant: Where are you coming from?
Old Man: We started our trip from Pittsburgh.
Old Lady: What did he say?
Old Man: He asked where we’re from and I said Pittsburgh.
Attendant: I dated a girl from Pittsburgh once. She wouldn’t shut up and
was lousy in bed.
Old lady: What did he say?
Old Man: He says he knows you.
LAS 8 EXPRESIONES M�DICAS M�S EFECTIVAS
1. Ya va a mejorar.
2. Es s�lo un problema ps�quico.
3. Es hereditario.
4. Todav�a no puedo decirle nada.
5. Ya es tarde para operar.
6. Vamos a sacar unos an�lisis.
7. Vamos a sacar m�s an�lisis.
8. Los an�lisis no dicen nada.
LAS 8 EXPRESIONES QUE CAUSAN MIEDO INSTANT�NEO.
1. Es contagioso.
2. Soy cobrador de impuestos.
3. �Me qued� sin frenos!
4. No estamos solos.
5. Aument� el alquiler.
6. Repet� lo que dijiste.
7. Todo est� bajo control.
8. No hay de qu� preocuparse.
6 COMENTARIOS PARA PELEARSE CON UNA FEMINISTA.
1. �Qu� te pasa, nena?
2. �Por qu� no te vas a lavar los platos?
3. Para ser feminista, sos bastante elegante.
4. Lo hac�s casi tan bien como un hombre.
5. �Que pens�s de los machistas?
6. Las mujeres no tienen cerebro.
6 FRASES PARA ROMPER CON UN NOVIO INSOPORTABLE
1. Siempre pateo cuando duermo.
2. Me ba�o una vez por mes.
3. Me encanta coleccionar ara�as gigantes vivas.
4. Desayuno con cebollas crudas.
5. Mi t�o est� en la mafia y quiere hablarte.
6. Me encantar�a que te cases con otra.
7 COMENTARIOS AMABLES PARA HACER CREER A UN PLOMO QUE UNO LO EST� ESCUCHANDO
1. �Ah, s�?
2. Y, claro.
3. Muy interesante…
4. �En serio?
5. Mmmmmmmmm
6. �Mmmmmmmmm?
7. �Mmmmmmmmm!
LOS 8 COMENTARIOS MENOS CRE�BLES
1. Te mand� el cheque.
2. Esto no te va a doler.
3. Te quiero como a nadie.
4. No, no muerde.
5. Conozco a la chica perfecta para vos.
6. Yo no mato siquiera una mosca.
7. Ven� a visitarnos cuando quieras.
8. Sent�te como en tu casa.
LAS 8 FRASES DE CONSUELO MENOS CONSOLADORAS
1. Quedaste ciego, �pero est�s vivo!
2. En la vida, hay cosas peores.
3. Encontraremos al culpable.
4. Por lo menos no se llevaron la plater�a.
5. Con el tiempo va a mejorar.
6. Por lo menos los dedos no se le lastimaron.
7. �Vos est�s as� porque no sab�s lo que me pas� a m�!
8. No hay mal que por bien no venga.
8 T�PICOS DE CONVERSACI�N PARA UNA CENA FORMAL
1. Descripci�n de la forma del pan.
2. C�mo comer bien en el extranjero.
3. Modos de cocinar las perdices.
4. Falsificaci�n de toneles de g�isqui.
5. Identificaci�n de hongos venenosos.
6. M�todos de caza mayor.
7. Comentario del vestuario de los comensales.
8. Cr�ticas al servicio y los anfitriones.
Where do nuns live?
Virgin Megastore
16. Hilarity ensues when someone replaces the life jackets with whoopee cushions.
15. Right after the ship hits the iceberg, the Captain hits the First Mate over the head with his cap, saying “Gilligan, you idiot!”
14. P-Funk Mothership descends on the quarterdeck and plays “Aqua Boogie” while Sir Nose d’Voidoffunk wails that he can’t swim.
13. Twenty passengers cling to Kate Winslet’s implants for safety.
12. Crazy French skunk sneaks on board and tries to romance Rose’s black cat, who rubbed against a freshly-painted white pole.
11. Sexy young Strom Thurmond is saved when his new friend, Sven, the handsome Swedish steward, heroically gives up his lifeboat seat.
10. Battle over survivors breaks out between the “Carpathia” and the “Kevorkian.”
9. Gopher, Isaac, and Doc escaping on a lifeboat with some stolen jewels and divorcees Karen Valentine, Connie Stevens and Charo.
8. At the 2:20 minutes mark, dinner guest #5 throws down his napkin and exclaims, “Will this damned thing ever end?!?”
7. A computer-generated Herve Villachaise screaming, “De berg, Boss, de berg!”
6. Fearing theme song will “go on forever,” Celine Dion’s grandmother leaps from lifeboat.
5. The evil fianc� reveals that he’s Jack’s father and suggests they overthrow the Captain and rule the ship together as father and son.
4. Kathie Lee belting out, “If they could see me drown…”
3. Blooper in which Marlon Brando’s “iceberg” makeup slips off.
2. Wanting his Scotch “on the rocks,” First Mate Skippy Hazelwood deliberately steers the ship into the iceberg.
1. Captain Clinton shows Rose his dinghy.