Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
Author: admin
Did you hear about the
Did you hear about the dyslexic who went to a toga party dressed as a
goat?
Bees
why do bees hum?? because they dont know the words! lol!
Paint the Porch
Hobo shows up at the front door of a grand mansion. The owner comes to the door. Hobo says, “Sir, I am down on my luck and ask if you could please spare me a meal?”
The owner stared at the hobo for a minute and then broke out in a lambasting such as the world has never seen. “You shiftless bum!! I worked all my life for what I have and you make me sick, begging for food! How dare you!! You should be ashamed!”
The hobo lowered his head in shame. After a minute of silence, the owner began to soften toward the unfortunate man, and said, “Look, if you are willing to do some work for me, I will pay you and give you a meal.”
The hobo was ecstatic! “Oh, yes sir! I will do whatever you want. Thank you!” So the owner said, “OK, go around back. You’ll see a porch there, and a bucket of battleship grey paint and a brush. Paint the porch, windows included, and you’ll have a meal.” The hobo wasted no time and scurried around back.
About an hour later, the front bell rang again. The owner opened the door and saw a paint splattered hobo with a big grin on his face. “Now don’t you feel better,” he said. “Yes!” said the hobo. “I’m a new man!”
“OK,” said the owner, “come in and have some lunch.” The two sat around the kitchen eating and drinking for about an hour, when the hobo said he had to leave. He thanked the owner profusely for getting him back on the straight and narrow.
As the owner showed the hobo to the front door, the hobo turned and said, “Oh, by the way, that was not a Porsche out back, it was a Ferrari.”
New Man
A man was taken to court for stealing an item from a store. The man said to the judge, “Your Honor, I’m a Christian. I’ve become a new man. But I have and old nature also. It was not my new man who did wrong. It was my old man.”
The judge responded, “Since it was the old man that broke the law, we’ll sentence him to 60 days in jail. And since the new man was an accomplice in the theft, we’ll give him 30 days, too. I therefore sentence you both to 90 days in jail.”
Sick of Her
Fred and Jim are having a quiet beer one night when Fred announces that he’s going to divorce his wife.”Good grief,” says Jim, “you and Sue are the happiest couple I know! Why on earth would you want to divorce such a lovely woman after all these years of obvious bliss?””Well,” replies Fred, “truth be known, I’m just bored with screwing the same hole night after night after night. I guess I’m hankerin’ for a bit of variety.”Jim replied, “Well, if you want variety, why don’t you just, you know, turn her over every now and again?”Fred says, “What? And have a house full of kids?”
PUNS
Q:wat do you call a pun thats been every where?
A:Binder Duntat
Beer Vs Jesus
Top 10 Reasons Why Beer Is Better Than Jesus 10. No one will kill you for not drinking beer. 9. Beer doesn’t tell you how to have relations with the opposite sex. 8. Beer has never caused a major war. 7. They don’t force beer on minors who can’t think for themselves. 6. When you have a beer, you don’t knock on people’s doors trying to give it away. 5. Nobody’s ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of beer. 4. You don’t have to wait 2000+ years for a second beer. 3. There are laws saying beer labels can’t lie to you. 2. You can prove you have a beer. 1. If you’ve devoted your life to beer, there are groups to help you stop.
How many Belfast folk singers does it take…
How many Belfast folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Ten. One to screw it in, and the other nine to sing how good the old one
was.
Job Interview
You might be a redneck if the interveiwer asks, ‘�Did you know that we are a
Fortune 500 Company?’�
And you answer ‘�What track do y’all sponsor that race at? I ain’t been to
that one yet.�
While stopped at an intersection
While stopped at an intersection I noticed a man standing on the corner in front of a Burger King. He was holding a ign that read “Will work for food.” If he had only looked up, he would have noticed that the Burger King sign directly a bove him read “Now hiring.”At an office: “This job is only a test had it been an actual job, you would have recieved raises, bonses and promotions.” SEEN ON A BILLBOARD ALONG A HIGHWAY: “Caution: Objects in the mirror may have flunked drivers education.”
Darwin Award Winner
The Darwin Awards
The annual honor given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year’s winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.
And 1996’s winner true story is as follows: The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded into the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. The lab finally figured out what it was and what had happened. It seems that a guy had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off – actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra “push” for taking off from short airfields.
He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. Then he attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO unit. The facts as best as could be determined are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 4.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the prominent scorched and melted asphalt at that location. The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20-25 seconds.
The driver, soon to be pilot, most likely would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog-fighting F-14 fighter pilots under full afterburners, basically causing him to become two dimensional for the remainder of his trip. The automobile, surprisingly, remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20) seconds before the driver, applied and instantly, melted the brakes. Not suprisingly, the now blown tires left thick rubber marks on the road surface just before he became airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock.
It is estimated that the driver hit the cliff face at a whopping 468 mph, the average cruising speed of a DC-9. Most of the driver’s remains were not recoverable; however, small fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.