Q: How do you change a blonde’s mind?A: Blow in her ear.
Author: admin
The man was a saint
There were two evil brothers. They were rich and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church and looked to be perfect Christians. Then, their pastor retired and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers’ deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers. A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly. All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building. ‘I have only one condition,’ he said. ‘At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint.’The pastor gave his word and deposited the check. The next day at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. ‘He was an evil man,’ he said. ‘He cheated on his wife and abused his family.’ After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with: ‘But, compared to his brother, he was a saint.’
Lawer Jokes
1. Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively
to lawyers? It’s called, Sosumi.
2. Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest
stamps? They had pictures of lawyers on them…and people
couldn’t figure out which side to spit on.
3. How are an apple and a lawyer alike? They both look good
hanging from a tree.
4. How can a pregnant woman tell that she’s carrying a future
lawyer? She has an uncontrollable craving for bologna.
5. How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then
he lies on the other.
6. How many lawyer jokes are there? Only three. The rest are
true stories.
7. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three, One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue
the ladder company.
8. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you
could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read your
newspaper?
9. What are lawyers good for? They make used car salesmen look
good.
10. What did the terrorist that hijacked a jumbo-jet full of
lawyers do? He threatened to release one every hour if his
demands were not met.
11. What do dinosaurs and decent lawyers have in common? They
are both extinct.
12. What do lawyers and sperm have in common? It takes 300,000
of them to make one human being.
13. What do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their chins in
cement? Not enough cement.
14. What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? A round of Skeet.
15.What do you call a lawyer gone bad? Senator.
15. What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Your Honor.
16. What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners.
17. What does a lawyer do after sex? Pays the bill.
18. What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra? Taller.
19. What’s brown and looks really good on a lawyer? A Doberman.
20. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a liar? The
pronunciation.
21. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute? The
prostitute stops screwing you after you are dead.
22. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? The
lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
23. What’s the difference between a mosquito and a lawyer? One
is a blood-sucking parasite, the other is an insect.
24. Where can you find a good lawyer? The nearest cemetery.
25. Why did God make snakes just before lawyers? To practice.
26. Why does California have the most lawyers in the country,
and New Jersey have the most toxic waste sites? New Jersey got
first choice.
Is PMS in the Bible?
A man is sitting down in front of the fire place and is reading the Bible.
His wife comes in and looks down at him and says, “Why do you always sit
there and read that thing, what does it help?” He looks up at her and
says, “I read it because it has an answer and examples of everything.”
After giving her husband a weird look, she says, “In that case I want you
to find an example of where a woman had PMS in the Bible, and I’ll even
give you until tomorrow.” So, he goes along with the deal.
She comes back out the next day and says, “So, did you find it?” He slyly
smile and says, “Yeah, when Joseph was taking Mary to Bethlehem, she was
riding his ass the whole way there!”
Men’s Guide to Women’s Language
So all you men know how to understand what women are saying!
********* Men’s guide to a Woman’s language **********
She says English ——— ——–
You want You want
We need I want
It’s your decision The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want You’ll pay for this later
We need to talk I need to complain
Sure…go ahead I don’t want you to.
I’m not upset Of course I’m upset, you moron
You’re…so manly You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
You’re certainly attentive tonight. Is sex all you ever think about?
I’m not emotional! And I’m not I’m on my period overreacting!
Be romantic, turn out the lights. I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient. I want a new house. I want new curtains and carpeting, furniture, wallpaper…
Hang the picture there No, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? I’m going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? I did something today you’re really not going to like..
I’ll be ready in a minute. Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
Is my butt fat? Tell me I’m beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate. Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? [Too late, your dead.]
Yes No
No No
Maybe No
I’m sorry. You’ll be sorry.
Do you like this recipe? It’s easy to fix, so you’d better get used to it.
I’m not yelling! Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
******** In answer to the question “What’s wrong?” **********
The same old thing. Nothing.
Nothing. Everything.
Everything. My PMS is acting up.
Nothing, really. It’s just that you’re such an jerk.
I don’t want to talk about it. Go away, I’m still building up evidence against you.
Vampire
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Not what u think……
What is long….hard…and filled with semen?
A submarine!!! get it? SEA MEN
Knock KnockWho’s there?Melita!Melita who?Melita chickadee!
Knock KnockWho’s there?Melita!Melita who?Melita chickadee!
Dos borrachos est�n tirados sobre
Dos borrachos est�n tirados sobre la v�a del tren cuando se acerca un polic�a y ve que uno de ellos est� meti�ndole el dedo all� al otro.
“A ver, �usted qu� hace? Acaso est� ayudando a su amigo para que se salga de la v�a?”
“No, mi cabo, estoy intentando que vomite.”
“Usted es tonto o se hace, as� no lo va a conseguir.”
“Espere que ahora le meta el dedo en la garganta…”
New rule in Heaven
Heaven is getting to full so god makes up a new rule that the day u die has to be a bad one or u cant get into heaven. so a guy dies and god says 2 him u know the new rule what was ur day like and the man says well i came home only 2 find my wife lying naked on the bed and telling me shes been having an affair! whats more is that the guys shes having it with is still in the house!! so i search the whole house looking for him and i finally go out onto the balcony and i see this guy naked hanging off our 25 story balcony so i jump on his fingers and he falls, but hes not dead so i throw out fridge on him, and it was all so much i had a heart attack and died
god says: thats a bad day u may enter
another guy dies and god says u know the rule what was ur day like and the guy says well i was having a shower and i walked out onto the balcony with my towel wrapped around me and i slipped i fell down onto my neighbours balcony below so im hanging by my fingertips off this 25 storey building and this freak comes out and starts jumping on my finger so i let go and fall but im not dead but then the freak throws his fridge on top of me so i die
god says thats a bas day u may enter
another guy dies and god says u know the new rule what was ur day like?
and the guy says picture this im standing naked in a fridge…..
Da nigga
what do you if its the middle of the night and you see your TV floating in the air?
You say”drop it nigga!!!!”
Sex On The Beach
Hosni Mubarak and his wife are in Rio de Janeiro on vacation. When there’s no-one around, they decide to make love on the beach. Unfortunately some of Rio’s finest catch them in their birthday suits and arrest them for ‘lewd conduct’.
Now Hosni’s not too enthusiastic about being arrested so he asks the police officer whether a simple fine wouldn’t do. The police officer agrees to this and asks Hosni whether it’s his first offense. He then proceeds to write up a ticket for Hosni for the sum of 100 cruzeiros (Brazilian currency), and a ticket for Hosni’s wife for the sum of 300 cruzeiros.
Hosni asks the police officer why he’s getting a 100 cruzeiro fine, while his wife is getting a 300 cruzeiro fine.
The cop tells him that since it’s a first offense, it’s only 100 cruzes, his wife on the other hand, she’s been caught twice before.