Author: admin

The Rusty Gates!

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Saint Peter is doing his thing , minding the Gates of Heaven , when he notices that the Gates are getting a bit shabby and shopworn and in need of repair.

He goes outside to the line of people waiting to come “in” and asks “ARE THERE ANY CONTRACTORS HERE?”

Three guys step foreward………
A Black Man, an Italian, and a Jew.

Peter asks the three to inspect the Gates and then give a price ,with a breakdown.

First, the Black guy goes over and looks at the Gates.
“I think $900.00 should do it” he says.
“That would be $300. for materials, $300. for labor , and $300 for me”
“Great “,says Peter

Next the Italian guy inspects the Gates.
He takes a long time ,pouring over every bit of what he surveys, then comes back to St. Peter and tells him that “These are the most wonderful, beautiful Gates!! They were almost certainly constructed in Italy, probably Florence , in the Renaissance! Pure Works of Art!” The price…$3,000. I’ll need $1000 for materials, $1,000 for the finest Italian craftsmen and $1,000 for my profit” “OK”
“Thanks” says Peter and now the Jew.

He quickly surveys the Gates and returns to Peter.

“The price is $2,900…
That’s $1,000 for you, $1,000 for me , and we hire the colored guy!

Count The Fish

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One day some fisherman caught tons of fish called tench. The fisherman couldn’t eat them all so they gave them to the Mayor of the town. The Mayor wasn�t sure what to do with them. Then he had an idea; he would have a fish-eating competition. When they had the competition, there were two finalists: a man from a place called Fife, whose name was Mr. Hicks and a man that was from Sweden, whose name is Sven. So they had the final; the Mayor fired the starting pistol and they started eating the tench.No sooner had Mr. Hicks bitten the fish than one of his teeth fell out. He couldn�t eat because of this so he stopped, but the Mayor refused to stop the competition. So Sven kept on eating and ended up eating nine of these tench fish. The next day the headlines read:ONE TOOTH FREE FOR FIFE HICKS, SVEN ATE NINE TENCH!

Dog in the park

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A lady and her dog were enjoying a stroll in the park when her dog was mounted from behind by a large Rottweiler. The Rot was really humping away and the lady was frantically trying to break them up, to no avail.

A small boy walked up and stuck his finger in the Rots ass, and the action immediately stopped.

The lady was amazed. “How did you do that?” she asked.

The little boy said, “That’s my dog! He can dish it out, but he can’t take it!”

New Workplace Terminoloy to Learn!

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BLAMESTORMING – Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

PRAIRIE DOGGING – When someone yells or drops something loudly in a “cube farm” (an office full of cubicles) and everyone’s heads pop up over the walls to see what’s going on.

TOURISTS – People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. “We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists.”

TREEWARE – Printed computer software/hardware documentation.

CLM (Career Limiting Move) – Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM. (Also known as CEB – Career Ending Behavior)

OHNOSECOND – That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you’ve just made a BIG mistake. (See CLM)

ADMINISPHERE – The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the admini-sphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

DILBERTED – To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the engineer in the job-from-hell comic strip character. “I’ve been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week.”

SEAGULL MANAGER – A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, poops on everything, and then leaves.

SALMON WEEK – The experience of spending an entire week swimming upstream only to die, and someone else get the benefit.

404 – Someone who’s clueless. From the World Wide Web error message “404 Not Found,” meaning that the requested document could not be located. “Don’t bother asking him… he’s 404, man.”

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE – The fine art of whacking an electronic device *just right* to get it to work again.

An Expensive Heart Atack

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A man was brought to Sisters of Mercy Hospital, and taken quickly in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Nun from Sisters of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.’Mr. Smith, you’re going to be just fine,’ said the nun, gently patting his hand. ‘We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?”No, I’m not,’ the man whispered hoarsely.’Can you pay in cash?’ persisted the nun.’I’m afraid I cannot, Sister.’ ‘Well, do you have any close relatives?’ the nun essayed.’Just my sister in New Mexico,’ he volunteered. ‘But she’s a humble spinster nun.”Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not ‘spinsters;’ they are married to God.”Wonderful,’ said Smith. ‘In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law.’

French in Scotland

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One cold December day, a French tourist in Scotland decided to find out if the natives were as tight as he had heard.

He stopped at a farm cottage, told the farmer’s wife he was freezing to death, and was invited to come in and warm himself at the hearth.

Once inside the house, he complained of being thirsty.

The woman handed him an enormous white crockery mug filled with milk.

After taking a big swig, the impulsive guest exclaimed, “This is sweet and fresh … you are most generous!”

She replied modestly, “It’s nothing. My family wouldn’t drink that milk
because we found a dead rat in it.”

Sick to his stomach, the Frenchman clapped both hands over his mouth,
allowing the huge mug to fall to the floor and shatter on the stone.

The Scotswoman grabbed her broom, raised it high in the air, brought it
down on the visitor’s head, and hollered, “Get out, you ungrateful pig!

I take you in my home, I let you share my fire, I give you milk to drink … and now you repay my kindness by breaking the children’s potty!”

Shot duck

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A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas.

He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”

The old farmer replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”

The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”

The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick-Rule.”

The lawyer asked, What is the Texas Three-Kick-Rule?.”

The farmer replied, “Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up.”

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees.

His second kick nearly wiped the man’s nose off his face. The barrister was flat on this belly when the farmer’s third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, “OK, you old coot! now, it’s my turn.”

The old farmer smiled and said, “No I give up, you can have the duck.

The animal game.

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The first grade class gathered around the teacher for a game of “Guess the
Animal.” The first picture the teacher held up was a cat. “Okay, boys
and girls,” she said brightly, “can anyone tell me what this is?”

“I know, I know, it’s a cat!” yelled a little boy.

“Very good, Eddie. Now, who knows what this animal is called?”

“That’s a dog!” piped up the same little boy.

“Right, again. And what about this animal?” she asked, holding up a
picture of a deer.

Silence fell over the class. After a minute or two, the teacher said,
“I’ll give you a hint, children…..it’s something your mother calls your
father.”

“I know, I know,” screamed Eddie. “It’s a horney bastard!”