Advice on how to live longer

A fellow went to the doctor who told him that he had a bad illness and only a year to live. He decided to talk to his doctor. After the man explained his situation, he asked his doctor if there was anything he could do. “What you should do is go out and buy a late ’70 or early ’80 model Dodge Pickup,” said the doctor. “Then go get married to the ugliest woman you can find, and buy yourselves an old trailer house in the panhandle of Oklahoma.” The fellow asked, “Will this help me live longer?” “No,” said the doctor, “but it will make what time you do have seem like forever.”

Ride ’em Cowboy!

Ed and Ted went to the fair. They came across a small crowd gathered around a stall and went over to take a look. “What’s going on?” Ed asked one of the crowd.

“We’re watching to see if some idiot can ride that bronco machine,” he said nodding towards a fearsome looking machine. “Nobody has managed to stay on for the full three minutes yet. And there’s a prize of $1000 for anybody who can.

“I can do that!” Ed said confidently.

“No you can’t,” said Ted.

“I sure as hell can!” said Ed.

“You’ll get yourself killed if you try and ride that monster,” said Ted.

“Watch this,” said Ed and climbed aboard the bronco machine.

The machine thrashed wildly, up and down, from side to side, around in circles but still a grim-faced Ed clung to its back. After two minutes the machine was bucking almost vertically and spinning until Ed was a blur. But when the three minutes were up Ed was still on the machine’s back acknowledging the cheers and cries from the small crowd.

He dismounted, collected his winnings and rejoined Ted. “Where in hell did you learn to ride a bucking bronco like that!?” Ted asked.

“Remember three months ago,” Ed said…

“When my wife had whooping cough…?”

Enie Menie

Three men who had recently got a job as actors checked into a
small hotel. The clerk was happy they wanted to come but he
warned them, “Some customers think the place is haunted.” So
they then went to their seperate rooms, not minding what the man
had said. The first actor was brushing his teeth, when he heard
laughing and a voice. “I am the ghost of Enie Menie I’ll chop
off your balls and eat your wenie.” The actor was so scared he
couln’t move, so he was killed. Unfortunatly the same happened
to the second actor. Then the third actor was in his bed when
he too heard laughing and a voice. The ghost came up to him ad
said, “I am the ghost of Enie Menie I’ll chop off your balls and
eat your wenie.” The actor, who’s role was in A CHRISTMAS CAROL,
then replied I am the ghost of Christmas past if you chop off my
balls I’ll kick your ass.”

Charge By The Inch

Having had one too many, a bar drinker was beginning to display an ugly side.

An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, “Hey ! How about it babe ? You and me ?”

As she got up to move, he said loudly, “Honey, you sure look like you could use the money, but I don’t have an extra two dollars.”

She looked back and replied just as loudly, “What makes you think I charge by the inch ?”

Benny Finds A Genie

There was a man named Benny who loved to take walks on the beach. One day he found a bottle with a genie in it. He let the genie out.

The genie was so grateful that he granted him one wish with the condition that he never shave again, otherwise he’d turn him into an urn.

Benny got his wish of riches and fame but he kept tripping over his long beard which he hadn’t shaved in 30 years.

Benny said to himself, “that genie isn’t around anymore, I’m shaving!” With that, he went home and shaved. Instantly, he went ‘POOF’ and turned into an urn.

Moral to the story: A Benny shaved is a Benny urn-ed!

Cuenta una joven que, en

Cuenta una joven que, en una noche borrascosa, en medio de una traves�a en el Pac�fico, estaba ella en su camarote desvisti�ndose para acostarse, cuando le sobrevino un terrible mareo. Temiendo lo peor, sali� al pasillo y corri� a toda prisa en busca del sanitario cuando, de improviso, se tropez� con un se�or de edad en el mismo estado lastimoso que ella. Horrorizada, dio un grito, pues s�lo entonces comprendi� que sin darse cuenta, se hab�a salido del camarote tal como Dios la trajo al mundo.

“No se preocupe usted por m�, se�orita. �De �sta no saldr� con vida para contar lo que he visto!”, le dijo el caballero, abriendo los ojos en demas�a y llev�ndose las manos al coraz�n.

Un hombre entra en una

Un hombre entra en una cafeteria, llama al mesero y pide un caf� toma su caf� y hasta aqu� todo va muy normal, al terminar llama al mesero y le pide la cuenta, el mesero le dice:

“Son $510, se�or”.

Nuestro hombre se levanta lleva su mano al bolsillo y saca un manojo de monedas de $10, y comienza a lanzarlas por todo el establecimiento mientras dice:

“$10, $20, $30, $40, $50, $60 …$490, $500, $510… C�brese”.

Y se va.

Al d�a siguiente nuestro hombre regresa a la cafeteria y todo ocurre igual, llama al mesero y pide un caf�, toma su caf� y hasta aqu� todo va muy normal, al terminar llama al mesero y le pide la cuenta, el mesero le dice:

“Son $510, se�or”.

Nuestro hombre se levanta lleva su mano al bolsillo y saca un billete de $1.000 y dice:

“C�brese”.

El mesero, con su venganza muy bien planeada, va hasta la caja y pide al cajero que le de $490 en monedas de $10, regresa hasta la mesa y parado frente al se�or comienza a lanzarlas por todo el establecimiento mientras dice:

“$10, $20, $30, $40, $50, $60… $470, $480, $490”

“Ah� tiene su cambio se�or”.

Nuestro hombre se levanta de la mesa lleva su mano al bolsillo y saca dos monedas de $10, las lanza diciendo:

“$500, $510… �Por favor me trae otro caf�?”

Drink driving

A man was driving home after a hard days drinking in a English
country pub. He was doing 80 mph down a narrow lane when he saw
two Welsh men walking up the lane towards him. They saw him
coming towards them at high speed and tried to get out of his
way. Unfortunatly for them the driver decided that they would
make good targets. He aimed his car directly at them and BANG,
he hit them. The first was thrown over a nearby hedge into a
farmer’s field, the second smashed through his windscreen.

Thirty seconds later a police car turned up at the scene. The
police man got out of his car and asked the driver what had
happened. He tried to explain that he had only been doing 30 mph
and had tried to avoid the Welsh men but they jumped out in
front of his car and he could not avoid them. The police man was
having none of this and asked again what had happened. The
driver then replied that he had been doing 50mph and had a
couple of pints to drink. He had seen the Welsh men but only too
late and he had tried but failed to avoid them. The police man
was still suspisious, the driver was stinking of alcahol and
sluring his words, so he asked again.

This time the driver said that he had had about 10 pints, been
doing 80 mph, saw the Welsh men and meant to hit them.

The police man replied that he would do the man who had smashed
through the windscreen for breaking and entering and the man in
the field for leaving the scene of the crime and let the driver
go.

The four Nuns

once there was these four nuns who died and went to heaven.When they got to the pearly gates they were greeted by saint Peter with a bowl of holy water. he told them he had to ask them a simple question before he could let them in.The first nun approched and he said “have you ever touched a penis?”she said yes but only with this one finger…He said swirl it around in the holy water and go on in.The second nun approached and he asked “if she had ever touched a penis?”she said yes but only with her hand.He said swirl it in the holy water and go on in..but before the third nun could approach the fourth nun had pushed her aside and came up to the bowl of holy water.. Saint peter said “what do you think you are doing?!”She said “I just want to wash my mouth out before she sits her fat ass in the holy water…..