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13> New pickup line: “You’d be the hostage I kept till the end.”

12> Three straight days wearing his “What Would Charles Bronson Do?” T-shirt.

11> His new “365 Ways to Go Berserk” desk calendar.

10> Your fellow librarian starts running after patrons and stamping their faces with the “date due” stamp.

9> Overheard saying to his manager, “Y2K? Not gonna be an issue, dude.”

8> The company newsletters on his bulletin board have push-pins through everyone’s faces.

7> His molar grinding is actually causing sparks.

6> He suggests replacing “Casual Day” with “Wear a Bull’s-eye T-shirt Day.”

5> Whenever you ask how he’s doing, he always says, “Gruntled.” Except today.

4> After pumping the vending machine full of bullets, he removes all the boxes of JuJuBees, caresses each one, and whispers, “You are all my children.”

3> He discreetly shows you the staple gun he’s converted to fully automatic.

2> Right after you click the “Send” button, you hear him mutter, “I swear, the next person who sends me one of those damn Top 5 Lists…”

1> He’s the only one at work smiling.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]

Then: Killer weed

Now: Weed killer

Then: Paar

Now: AARP

Then: The Grateful Dead

Now: Dr. Kevorkian

Then: Being caught with Hustler magazine

Now: Being caught by Hustler magazine

Then: Getting your head stoned

Now: Getting your headstone

Then: Keg

Now: EKG

Then: Passing the driving test

Now: Passing the vision test

Then: Watching John Glenn’s historic flight with your folks.

Now: Watching John Glenn’s historic flight with your kids.

Then: Swallowing acid

Now: Swallowing antacid

Then: Obsessing over your PSAT scores

Now: Obsessing over your PSA scores

Then: You’re growing pot

Now: Your growing pot

Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor

Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor

Then: The perfect high

Now: The perfect high-yield mutual fund

Then: Long hair

Now: Longing for hair

Then: Fighting to get rid of the lying president

Now: Fighting to keep the lying president

Then: Acid rock

Now: Acid reflux

Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint

Now: Getting a new hip joint

Excerpts From Student Science Exam’ Papers ========================================== Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species.Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think.Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.The dodo is a bird which almost decent by now.To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in quick before the air can get back in.The process of converting steam back to water is called conversation.A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat.The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs.To prevent conception when having intercourse, the male wears a condominium.To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.Geometry teaches us to bisex angles.A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.An example of animal breeding is the farmer who mated a bull that gave a great deal of milk with a bull with good meat.We believe that the reptiles come from the amphibians by spontaneous generation and study of rocks.English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse.By self-pollination, the farmer may get a flock of long haired sheep.If conditions are not favourable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.Vegetative propagation is the process by which one individual manufactures another individual by accident.A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscence triangle.Blood flows down one leg and up the other.A person should take a bath once in the summer, and not quite so often in the winter.The hookworm larvae enters the human body through the soul.When you haven’t got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.It is a well known fact that a deceased body harms the mind.Humans are more intelligent than beasts because the human branes have more convulsions.For fainting: rub the person’s chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead.For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.For nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body.For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.For head olds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops your throat.For snakebites: bleed the wound and rape the victim in a blanket for shock.For asphyiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.Bar magnets have north and south poles, horseshoe magnets have east and west poles.When water freezes you can walk on it. That is what Christ did long ago in wintertime.When you smell an odourless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.