SALESMAN OF THE YEAR AWARD

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store
looking for a job.

The manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?”

The kid says, “Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas.”

The boss liked the kid, so he gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come
down after we close and see how you did.”

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was
locked up, the boss came down. “How many sales did you make today?”

The kid says, “One.”

The boss says, “Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How
much was the sale for?”

Kid says, “$101,237.64.”

Boss says, “$101,237.64? What did you sell him?”

Kid says, “First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish
hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod.
Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I
told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I
sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda
Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold
him that 4X4 Blazer.”

The boss said, “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat
and truck?”

Kid says, “No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I
said, ‘Well, since your weekend’s shot, you might as well go fishing.'”

Unos monjes se encontraban reclu�dos

Unos monjes se encontraban reclu�dos en el monasterio, y tanto era el tiempo que llevaban sin follar, que decidieron compincharse con las monjas del convento que estaba pegado al suyo, y que tambi�n estaban bastante cachondas. De esta forma, se les ocurri� perforar unos agujeros en la pared en las capillas que solo estaban separadas por un tabique, de manera que a la hora de bajar a rezar pudieran realizar los actos sexuales.

A partir de entonces cada vez que sonaban las campanas para ir a rezar monjes y monjas se pegaban a la pared para echar un buen polvo. Ante el poco inter�s que mostraban los monjes al rezar y taras haber encontrado restos de sem�n en la pared, el padre superior decidi� instalar unas gillotinas en los agujeros y asi cada vez que un monje metiera la polla para follar se quedaria sin miembro para siempre.

Transcurrida una semana el padre superior reuni� a todos los monjes en el comedor para ver cuantos de los monjes hab�an quebrantado los votos sagrados. Puso a todos en fila e hizo que se subieran la sotana para ver si ten�an o no pene. Cual fue su sorpresa al descubrir que todos los monjes ya no ten�an pene excepto el �ltimo de la fila al que le pregunt�:

“�Y t� c�mo es que a�n tienes pene?”

A lo que �ste le contest�:

“Ezque do metia da dengua.”

The Top 16 Signs the Left Is Unhappy With the Election Results

16> Alec Baldwin signs up for yet another round of French lessons.15> Bruce Springsteen starts working on his new “Moved From the USA” album.14> Dems sponsor a bill making the uttering of the phrase “I told you so” punishable by death.13> George Soros buys a small Eastern European country with which to console himself.12> Michael Moore is so depressed he’s started to let himself go, and Sean Penn can’t find the will to hit anyone.11> Smoke alarms sound across the Northeast as distraught liberals forget to take their baked brie out of the oven.10> Convoys of Volvos crowd the Gay Head cliffs on Martha’s Vineyard and plunge lemming-like into the sea.9> The “Vote for Change” tour reunites as the “Panhandling for Change” tour.8> Thinking that the cameras are turned off, Dan Rather curls up in the fetal position and sobs uncontrollably.7> Chris White publishes a whiny little list about it.6> Al Franken starts work on his new book: “Lies, Lying Liars, and the Big Fat Idiot Ohio Voters Who– Oh, Why the Hell Do I Bother?”5> The DNC FedExes maps of key Ohio cities to Osama bin Laden.4> Al Gore claims that since he actually won in 2000, America just re-elected *him*.3> John Edwards has come so unglued, he actually has a hair out of place.2> Tom Daschle considers moving to a state that has building tall enough to jump from.1> In a back-alley brawl, Zell Miller ferociously kicks his own ass for being a spineless Democrat. [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]

beautiful

BEAUTIFUUL

Beautiful
Beautiful, thats what he is to me
Beautiful, something only really him and I can see
Beautiful, somethig he cannot hide from me
He’s incredable and capable of makinh his life deside to be
he’s so wonderful
hess so wonderful he is the best person you could have in this
world besides God
Hes so wonderful shes like an angle, always by your side
I cant see one problem that he had when im around
Hes like an angle protacting and correcting me, and never
putting me down
Sometimes I say to myself maybe he is an angle
Because thats Beautiful

By:Andrina Phillip

Work Phrases

Things You Wish You Could Say at Work, but Probably Shouldn’t

Well, aren’t we just a ray of @#$%-ing sunshine?

Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?

Don’t bother me. I’m living happily ever after.

Do I look like a @#$%-ing people person?

This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

You! Off my planet!!

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

Do they ever shut up on your planet?

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

Least Popular Philosophical Questions

30> Given an infinite number of geeks in an infinite number of “Star Trek” conventions, would there be at least one with a life?29> Why is Pauly Shore so successful, while a deserving and talented actor like Tom Arnold is still struggling?28> Ask not for whom the bell tolls. Ask why Bell charges so much for toll calls.27> Can God make Marlon Brando so big that even He can’t move him?26> If you could go back in time, would you give Hitler a wedgie?25> The sky’s just BLUE, dammit! Get over it!24> If you sell a video explaining how you didn’t kill your ex-wife and her male friend and no one buys it, does it make a sound?23> What will I have for lunch today — chicken salad or egg salad?22> How much cheese could Chuck E. Cheese chuck if Chuck E. Cheese could chuck cheese?21> Yeah, where the hell *is* Waldo?20> If a monk, living in a monastery, takes a vow of silence, then talks in his sleep, has he broken his vow of silence? If so, who is going to tell on him?19> If a man speaks in a forest and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?18> If a thing of beauty is a joy forever, why does ugly seem to last so much longer?17> How many angels can writhe in tortured agony skewered on the pointy end of a pin?16> If Mike Tyson bites off Jesus’ ear in a fight, is it a foul or a sacrament?15> If a tree fell and crushed Pauly Shore in the forest, would anyone care (except Misty Rivera, of course)?14> Why aren’t the Toronto Maple Leafs called the Maple Leaves?13> If the earth stopped spinning, would the value of my car still depreciate?12> If there are elves in the gravy, why must the pigeon herniate at midnight?11> Which came first — the chicken or the various things that taste like chicken?10> Would a massive police search for a male serial killer dressed as a woman be called a “Dragnet”? 9> Why *are* there so many songs about rainbows? 8> For what doth it profit a man if he gains his freedom yet loseth his Heisman? 7> If the shortest distance between two points is a line, why does waiting in a line take so long? 6> How many licks does it take to get to the center of the universe? 5> If I am, do I drink? 4> What would you rather have, no short-term memory or I forget the question? 3> What is the sound of a one-handed man with the clap? 2> If you take an infinite number of monkeys, put them in a room with an infinite number of typewriters, and supply them with an infinite amount of crack, would they really be able to write a really kick-ass Top 5 list?1> How much wood would a woodchuck sport, if a woodchuck had a woody?

Counting on You

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office.
“Boss,” he says, “we’re doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.”

“We’re short-handed, Smith” the boss replies. “I can’t give you the day off.”

“Thanks, boss,” says Smith “I knew I could count on you!”