Email or post, it doesn’t matter to me. I’m not paying for the bandwidth.
There it is: a summary of USENET in 14 words.
Author: admin
Q: How many ice
Q: How many ice skaters does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: Two, one to screw in the bulb, one to hire a hitman on club the other skater on the knee.
El director de un manicomio
El director de un manicomio estaba examinando a sus pacientes para averiguar cu�les estaban listos para volver a la comunidad.
“Se�or Mendoza”, el doctor le dice a uno de sus pacientes, “veo que han recomendado que le d� de alta �Qu� cree que va hacer si es que le dejamos ir?”
El paciente se lo piensa un rato, y luego responde: “Bueno, fui ingeniero en mec�nica. Parece ser que es una carrera con salida y puedo ganar bastante dinero. Por otra parte, he pensado escribir una novela sobre mis experiencias aqu� en este hospital, lo que es ser paciente aqu�. Puede que sea interesante. Tambi�n pens� volver a la escuela a estudiar historia del arte, que es un tema que me interesa mucho.”
El Director asiente con la cabeza y dice, “S�, me parecen empresas muy interesantes.”
El paciente responde:
“Y lo mejor es que en el tiempo que tenga libre puedo seguir siendo una cafetera.”
Corporate Lingo — 2
Here’s a little clarification of corporate lingo.
“SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE: ” You’ll need it to replace three people who just left.
“PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:” You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
“REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:” You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
“GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:” Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do.
“I’M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:”I’ve used Microsoft Office.
“I’M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:” I pilfer office supplies.
“MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:” I hope you don’t ask me about all the McJobs I’ve had.
“I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:” I blame others for my mistakes.
“I’M PERSONABLE:” I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
“I’M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:” I carry a Day-Timer.
“I AM ADAPTABLE:” I’ve changed jobs a lot.
“I AM ON THE GO:” I’m never at my desk.
“I’M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:” The minute I find a better job, I’m outta there.
“I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON:” Like, I’m gonna hold my breath waiting for your form letter thanking me “for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career”.
Butt Doctor
A man went into the proctologist’s office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes. Well, when the man sat down in the examination room, he noticed that there were three items on a stand next to the doctor’s desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.When the doctor came in, the man said, “Look Doc, this is my first exam… I know what the K-Y is for… and I know what the glove is for…but what’s the BEER for?”At this instant, the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse, “Dammit, nurse!!! I said a BUTT LIGHT!!!”
Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with…
The other is used to carry groceries.
The Top 11 Republican Euphemisms for Impeaching the President
11. Stain Removal
10. Burning a Bridge to the 21st Century
9. Late Term Abortion
8. POTUS Interruptus
7. Pre-losing the 2000 Elections, For Your Voting Convenience
6. Election ’96 — The Recount
5. Doing What the American People Would Want if They All Weren’t So Damn Stupid
4. Letting Al Drive the Bus
3. Popping the First Zit
2. Taking a Little Off the Top
1. Cutting the Big Cheese
[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ] [ The Top 5 List [email protected] ]Great lines from job evaluations!
1. I would not allow this employee to breed.
2. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more definitely a won�t be.
3. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
4. When she stops to open her mouth, it seems it is only to change whichever foot was previously there.
5. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
6. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
7. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
8. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
9. This employee should go far and sooner he starts, the better.
10. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
11. The biggest tool in the shed.
12. Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn�t looking.
13. A room temperature IQ.
14. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it together.
15. A gross ignoramus – 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
16. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
17. A prime candidate for natural deselection.
18. One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.
19. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
20. Fell out of the family tree.
21. Bright as Alaska in December.
22. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn�t coming.
23. Has two brains: one is lost; and the other is looking for it.
24. If brains were taxed she would get a refund.
25. If he were any more stupid, he would have to be watered twice a week.
26. He�s so dense light bends around him.
27. If you gave him a penny for his thoughts you would get change.
28. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
29. It�s hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
30. One neuron short of a synapse.
31. Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes.
32. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.
33. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
34. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
35. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of mobid curiosity.
How lawyers do it…
Lawyers do it with appeal.
Lawyers do it confidentially.
Lawyers do it on a trial basis.
Lawyers do it until justice prevails.
Lawyers do it as long as you can pay them.
Lawyers do it unless it is prohibited by law.
A stagnant science is at
A stagnant science is at a standstill.
You might be a redneck if….
Jack Daniel’s makes your list of Most Admired People.
You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
You wonder how service stations keep their rest rooms so clean.
Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, Hey, y’all watch this!
You’ve got more than one brother named ‘Darryl.’
You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
Your wife’s hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
You go to your family reunion looking for a date.
Airport Exit
Yo mama’s so stupid that when she went to the airport and saw a sign
saying “Airport Left”, she turned around and went home!