Author: admin

Year 2000 Elections

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With the upcoming 2000 elections there has been a lot of confusion over the
players crucial to the next election. So I’ve found a way to simplify this topic
very well.

This is all the Wizard of Oz. Dan Quayle is the scarecrow who needs a brain.
Al Gore is the tinman. Colin Powell is the cowardly lion who never manages to
run for office. Elizabeth Dole is Dorothy who doesn’t know where she is and not
quite sure where she’s going.

And of course we have to mention Clinton because he’s a factor while all this
is going on. Clinton is of course Toto, because throughout all this he’s trying
to get up into Dorothy’s skirt.

Quotes From Sports Personalities – Part III

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Shaquille O’Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to
Greece: “I can’t really remember the names of the clubs that we went to.”

Shaquille O’Neal, on his lack of championships: “I’ve won at every level,
except college and pro.”

Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team’s 7-27 record: “We
can’t win at home. We can’t win on the road. As general manager, I just can’t
figure out where else to play.” (1992)

Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim
Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: “My sister’s expecting baby, and I
don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.” (1982)

Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: “I told him, ‘Son, what
is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?’ He said, ‘Coach, I don’t know and I
don’t care.'” (1991)

Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a
player who received four F’s and one D: “Son, looks to me like you’re spending
too much time on one subject.” (1987)

Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: “I’m going to
graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.”

On Alimony

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Alimony:

1) A contraction of the term “all-his-money”.

2) A splitting headache.

3) It’s the screwing you get, for the screwing you got.

4) Paying for something you don’t get.

5) That’s the same as buying corn for somebody else’s cow.

6) The high cost of leaving.

7) The last laugh.

8) The wife cries and the judge wipes her tears with the husband’s checkbook.

9) Buying oats for a runaway horse.

10) A woman’s cash surrender value.

11) The billing minus the cooing.

Divorce: When your wife stops screwing you, and her lawyer starts.

Experience: What a man gets in exchange for alimony.

Marriage: Why make one man so miserable, when you can make so many, so happy.

What is the definition of a faithful husband?
One who’s alimony checks arrive on time.

He is so rich, he is ahead in his alimony payments.

A GUT-WRENCHING FART

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A man woke up every morning and passed gas. After about eight or nine years of marriage, his wife finally said, if you fart any more, you’ll fart your guts out. Being a butcher, the wife decided to put pig scraps in his pants so he would wake up, and not do it anymore. She put the scraps in his pants that night. He woke up in the morning and went across the hall to the bathroom. Two long hours later, he came out and stated, honey, you were right about me farting my guts out BUT WITH THE GRACE OF THE DEAR LORD AND THESE TWO FINGERS. I GOT THEM BACK IN THERE.

Viagra For The Old

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This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up.

Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, “Doctor, I haven’t had sex for years now, and I was wondering how I can increase my husband’s sex drive.”

The doctor smiled and said, “Have you tried to give him Viagra?”

The lady frowned. “Doctor, I can’t even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache,” she claimed.

“Well,” the doctor continued, “let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won’t notice a thing.”

The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor’s office quickly.

Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.

“How did it go?” the doctor asked.

“Terribly, doctor, terribly.”

“Did it not work?”

“Yes,” the old lady said, “It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I’d had in 25 years.”

“Then what is the problem, ma’am?”

“Well,” she said. “I can’t ever show my face in McDonald’s again.”