Little Red Riding Hood was already to take lunch over to her grandmothers when her mother had handed her a shotgun.”Now, little red, you must be careful of the Big Bad Wolf,” her mother explained.”He will lift up your little red dress and pull down your little red panties, and screw your little red socks off.” “Ok, I will mother.” red assured her.While going down the trail out came the big bad wolf just like her mother had warned.”Little Red Riding Hood! I’m going to lift you little red dress up, pull down your little red panties, and screw your little red socks off!”Well with no hesitation, the wolf pulled up Little Red Riding Hood’s little red dress and pulled down Little Red Riding Hood’s little red panties, but just then with a clam and collected look, Little Red Riding Hood points the shot gun to the Big Bad Wolf’s head and says, “Your not going to screw my little red socks off. Your going to EAT me just like the book says!”
Author: admin
Wee Bit
An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison.
With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.
After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the East coast, he started to head west.
Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.
The farmer simply replied, “They’re all lookin’ to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want.”
The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man’s opinion.
“Well” said the man, ” She’s just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, but pigeon-toed.”
The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.
“Well,” the man replied, “She’s just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed.”
The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, “She’s perfect, just perfect! She’s the one I want to marry!” So they were wed right away.
Nine Months later the baby was born. When the man visited nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents.
“Well,” explained the farmer, “She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her.”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Are Your Kids on Drugs?
Many parents today are concerned that their offspring might somehow be involved in the world of illegal pharmaceuticals, or “drugs”. This is a healthy concern. Knowing your kids are “high” is the first step toward helping them avoid problems with their health, their grades, the law, and getting those hard-to-clean vomit stains out of the Oriental rug.
KNOW THE WARNING SIGNS- select the option which best describes your child.
1. Your child’s idea of a fun sport to play is:
A) tossing a pigskin ball around
B) throwing an orange rubber ball into a netted hole
C) inserting a pointy needle into a vein and mixing foreign substances into the human bloodstream.
2. Your child’s idea of a responsible adult is:
A) Bill Clinton
B) Tom Hanks
C) Charles Manson.
3. Your child’s favorite hobbies include:
A) Model Rocketry
B) Baseball
C) Taking white, powdery substances from a big bag and breaking it down into many smaller bags.
4. Your child’s pet is:
A) a puppy dog
B) a 16′ python
C) a colony of imaginary bugs and spiders that crawl under their skin.
5. Your child’s breath smells like:
A) a fresh, minty mountain top
B) lunch
C) an opium den.
6. When your young ones dress up to go out, they look like:
A) Fred and Ginger
B) Regis and Kathy Lee
C) Sid and Nancy
7. Your child would identify Tijuana Gold as:
A) a precious metal
B) a Mexican theme park
C) a good deal, but not as potent as the stuff from Thailand.
8. When you ask your child how their day at school was at the dinner table they answer:
A) they scored a goal for their soccer team
B) they got the highest grade in class on a math test
C) they scored a dime bag and got high.
Total up the number of times you answered “C” to the questions above, and consult the table below.
0 “C’s”- Chances are your child is not on drugs. They probably aren’t that exciting either. Kick them out of the house and force them to live on the cold streets for a few months to let them really appreciate life in all it’s murkiness.
1-3 “C’s”- Your child might be on drugs, but you can’t be certain. Put a flashlight up to their face and flash it in their eyes. This doesn’t really tell you anything, but it scares the pants off your kids and is kind of fun.
3-6 “C’s”- You may as well face it, you’ve got a little druggie on your hands. Your child is a menace to society and must be dealt with accordingly. We suggest a good flaying to help them kick their nasty habit. Confiscate all their stash and send it to Ooze.
7-8 “C’s”- Your child has never used drugs. No sir. Just smile nicely at them and slink out of the house. Never return.
A quote on marriage
If you never want to see a man again, say, “I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have children…” – they leave skid marks. — Rita Rudner
Fireman Sex
A fireman comes home from work and is all excited. He just can�t wait to tell his wife the good news about a new system that they have down at the station.
“Honey!” he says, “you�re not going to believe this! Down at the station we have this new system and it�s so great.”
“When Bell #1 goes off we put on all our gear.”
“When Bell #2 goes off we slide down the pole and jump in the fire truck.”
“When Bell #3 goes off we speed to the fire in the fire truck.” He excitedly tells his wife.
Triumphantly he says, “We�re going to do the same thing for our sex life!”
“When Bell #1 goes off we are going to strip naked.”
“When Bell #2 goes off we will jump into bed”.
“When Bell #3 goes off we will screw our brains out. Let�s give a test run. OK, ready?”
“Bell #1!” (they strip naked)
“Bell #2!” (they hop into bed)
“Bell #3!” (they start screwing there brains out)
A couple of minutes later the wife starts screaming “Oh, Bell #4! Bell #4!”.
The husband confused says,”Bell #4, What�s that?”
The wife screams “More hose! More hose! Your not reaching the fire!!!”
First grade proverbs
A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each kid in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest:
As you shall make your bed so shall you… mess it up.
Better to be safe than… punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the… bug is close.
It’s always darkest before… daylight savings time.
Never underestimate the power of… termites.
You can lead a horse to water but… how?
Don’t bite the hand that… looks dirty.
No news is… impossible.
A miss is as good as a… Mr.
You can’t teach an old dog new… math.
If you lie down with the dogs, you’ll… stink in the morning.
Love all, trust… me.
The pen is mightier than the… pigs.
An idle mind is… the best way to relax.
Where there’s smoke, there’s… pollution.
Happy the bride who… gets all the presents!
A penny saved is… not much.
Two’s company, three’s… the Musketeers.
Don’t put off tomorrow what… you put on to go to bed.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and… you have to blow your nose.
None are so blind as… Helen Keller.
Children should be seen and not… spanked or grounded.
If at first you don’t succeed… get new batteries.
You get out of something what you… see pictured on the box.
When the blind leadeth the blind… get out of the way.
There is no fool like… Aunt Eddie.
Q: How do you save a lawyer from drowning?…
Q: How do you save a lawyer from drowning?
A: Take your foot off his head.
Stolen Car
Oscar drove his brand new Mercedes to his favourite sporting goods store. He parked it outside and went in to do a little perusing with Jan, his regular sales woman.
Jan was a pretty blonde, and as Oscar walked into the store, she happily greeted him. But he requested to look around alone today before he needed her help. She obliged and let him do his thing.
Five minutes later, Jan came running up to him yelling, “Oscar! Oscar! I just saw someone driving off with your new Mercedes!”
“Dear God! Did you try to stop him?”
“No,” she said, “I did better than that! I got the license plate number!”
Biblical Story
A Mother was reading a Bible story to her young daughter. She read “The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to a pillar of salt”. Her daughter asked “What happened to the flea?”
The Pretzel Lady
A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each. Every day a young lawyer would leave his office building at lunch time and, as he passed her pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but would never take a pretzel. This went on for more than five years. The two of them never spoke. One day as the lawyer passed the old ladies pretzel stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzel woman spoke to him, ” Sir, I appreciate your business. You are a good customer, but I have to tell you that the pretzel price has increased to 35 cents.”
Pastor School
There were these 12 guys that were going to school to become
priests, and they were almost to the point of passing the class.
There was only one step left: they had to learn to resist
temptation. The teacher brings them to a dark room with no
windows, tells them to get naked, and they have to tie bells
around their penis’.
The teacher brings in a naked dancing girl, and tells them, if
you’re bell rings, you haven’t yet learned to resist temptation,
so you’ll be kicked out of this school.
The girl starts dancing, and one guy’s bell just starts ringing
like crazy. It rings so hard that it falls completly off. He
takes two steps forward, bends down, and 11 other bells go off.
New T.V
Youy momma is so stupid she sits on the T.V and watches the couch.