You’re a redneck if…. Redman sends you a Christmas card.
Author: admin
Money for panites.
There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day.
As the priest is walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any panties.
The Priest calls the girl and gives her $20 and says, “Little girl, take this money and buy yourself some panties. It’s not proper to walk around without any panties on.”
The girl goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks her mother to buy panties for her. When the mother asks where the girl got the money, the girl explained what happened.
Upon hearing how the girl got the money, the mother rushes to her room, whips off her panties, and puts on one of her shortest dresses and runs out to the church.
As soon as the mother sees the priest coming, she begins to walk up the stairs. The priest then notices the lady and calls her down.
The woman not wanting to show that she is expecting anything, walks back to the priest very calmly.
The priest hands the lady $1 and says…
“Lady, take this money and for God’s sake, go buy yourself a razor!”
French vs. Australian kissing
What is the diffrence in French kissing and Australian kissing?
With French, you put your tongues in each other’s mouth, but with Australian, your down under.
25 Rules for Women
25 rules for Women to follow:
1. Sports Center starts at 11:00 PM and runs an hour. This is a great time to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer or talk to your sister. Do not bother me!!
2. Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game DO, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.
3. Unlike you, we essentially want to dress just exactly like all our friends. Thus, you need not go much further than the Gap, J. Crew, Banana Republic or the local Patagonia store.
4. If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?
5. Butthead is the smart one.
6. Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?
7. You probably don’t want to know what we’re thinking about.
8. Silence does not need to be filled with discussions about “us” and “the relationship.”
9. Things you can help with: the Sunday crossword, yard work, the dishes, cleaning, and grocery shopping.
10. Things you should let us do alone: figuring out where we are, watching anything on TBS, playing cards, smoking cigars and picking out the beer.
11. Socks never constitute a gift.
12. Department stores and malls were designed so that when you want to look at bed linen, shower curtains or handbags, there are always some speakers, tires or sporting equipment nearby.
13. We don’t know anything about handbags. Don’t even ask.
14. We DID water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why this happens.
15. Even if you think he’s cute, Kevin Costner can’t act.
16. Of course, neither can Elle McPherson, but she had the good sense to make the movie “Sirens” rather than “Waterworld.”
17. Curley is the bald one.
18. Compromise does not mean that we abandon our position in favor of yours.
19. Sports Illustrated is a better magazine than Cosmopolitan. Just accept that.
20. It is neither in your interest nor ours to take The Quiz together.
21. Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Mo Vaughn, Cal Ripken, David Robinson, Michael Jordan, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Chris Farley, don’t expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown, Hilary Clinton, Naomi Wolf or your mother are up to.
22. Sex on a weeknight is generally welcome. Three hours of post-coital conversation is not.
23. Dinner out is a pretty good birthday present. Two tickets to a ball game are even better.
24. No, you can’t have the remote control.
25. If you must take us with you into Victoria’s Secret, never, ever leave us alone. All the old fat ladies make mean faces at us and only add to our discomfort.
How much?
A young priest, who is still unsure of the penance to dole out during confession, asks an older priest what he should give a cocksucker.
“Oh,” says the older priest, “Give the altar boy a dollar or so, if you feel like it.
Personally, I never give them more than fifty cents.”
Submitted by Tantilazing
Edited by yisman and Curtis
Hard All Day
I have to share an experience that happened in my nursing class about sexuality. You see we are about to graduate from an LPN program this week and this person I’m going to tell you about will be a new nurse.
Our instructor was lecturing about self-examination of the breast or testicles when a female student asked another male student and me if we ever got an erection while we did self-examination of our testicles.
We answered that it was possible that we had. You know, you don’t really want everyone to know when you get aroused.
She then asked, “What do you do about it?”
We said in unison, “Nothing, why?”
She then say, “You mean you go around with a hard penis all day?”
We said no way!
She then states, “You mean a man’s penis will go down without having an orgasm?”
We both said yes.
At which time she says, “I’m going to kill my husband!”
Bad riddles (but somehow funny)
Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist? He sold his soul to SantaDid you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash? He’s all right now.How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.How does a spoiled rich girl change a light bulb? She says, ‘Daddy, I want a new apartment.’What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall? ‘Dam’.What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids.What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.What do the letters D.N.A. stand for? National Dyslexics Association.What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t work? A stick.What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho Cheese.What do you call Santa’s helpers? Subordinate Clauses.What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand? Quatro sinko.What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor? A pachydermatologistWhat has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you? A pool table.What is a zebra? 26 sizes larger than an ‘A’ bra.What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka. ….and what kind of lettuce? Iceberg.What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste.What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.Where do you get virgin wool from? Ugly sheep.Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book? They all have phones.Why do bagpipers walk when they play? They’re trying to get away from the noise.
Arkansas State Residency Application
Name: ________________ (_) Billy-Bob(last) (_) Billy-Joe(_) Billy-Ray(_) Billy-Sue(_) Billy-Mae(_) Billy-Jack(_) Billy-Jefferson(Check appropriate box)Age: ____Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/AShoe Size: ____ Left ____ RightOccupation:(_)Farmer(_)Mechanic(_)Hair Dresser(_)Un-employedSpouse’s Name: __________________________Relationship with spouse:(_) Sister(_) Brother(_) Aunt(_) Uncle(_) Cousin(_) Mother(_) Father(_) Son(_) Daughter(_) PetNumber of children living in household: ___Number that are yours: ___Mother’s Name: _______________________Father’s Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)___ Total number of vehicles you own___ Number of vehicles that still crank___ Number of vehicles in front yard___ Number of vehicles in back yard___ Number of vehicles on cement blocksFirearms you own and where you keep them:____ truck____ bedroom____ bathroom____ kitchen____ shedModel and year of your pickup: ___________194_Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:(_)The National Enquirer(_)The Globe(_)TV Guide(_)Soap Opera Digest___ Number of times you’ve seen a UFO___ Number of times you’ve seen Elvis___ Number of times you’ve seen Elvis in a UFOHow often do you bathe:(_)Weekly(_)Monthly(_)Not ApplicableColor of teeth:(_)Yellow(_)Brownish-Yellow(_)Brown(_)Black(_)N/ABrand of chewing tobacco you prefer:(_)Red-ManHow far is your home from a paved road?(_)1 mile(_)2 miles(_)don’t know
Like and Love
What is the difference between ‘like’ and ‘love’? Answer: spit and swallow!
Astrology Laws: It’s always
Astrology Laws: It’s always the wrong time of the month. – Rozanne Weissman
How do you breathe
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
“How do you breathe through that thing?”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Beer and a box
A drunk walked into a tavern, sat down at the bar. He placed a small cardboard
box on the bar, and ordered a beer. When the beer came, he opened the box,
pulled out a tiny piano and bench and set them on the bar, then ordered another
beer.
When the beer came, he reached into the box, pulled out a frog, sat him on the
piano bench and said, “PLAY”.
The frog immediately began to play the piano. It played all the favorites, and
some classical and then launched into contemporary jazz.
The man ordered another beer, and when it came he reached into the cardboard
box and pulled out a little white mouse.
He set this mouse on top of the piano and said, “SING”.
The frog began to play the piano and the mouse began to sing, first some
‘oldies but goodies’, then all of the current favorites.
A man at the bar who was watching all of this approached the man and offered
to buy this little outfit that the man had.
After a bit of negotiating, the man drunk agreed to sell it to the man for
$500. The man gathered everything into the little cardboard box and ran out the
door before the drunk could change his mind.
The bartender had been watching all of this goings on and said to the drunk
“You damned old fool! You just sold that little outfit you had for $500 and you
could have made millions off of it!”
The drunk laughed heartily and replied, “I am not the fool, the guy who bought
it is. Do you really think I would have sold that if that mouse could really
sing?”
The bartender responded “What do you mean, I stood right here and
listened to that mouse sing!” “The joke is on you and the guy who bought that
outfit my friend “, chuckled the drunk. � That mouse can’t sing. The frog is a
ventriloquist!”