Un matrimonio est� desayunando en

Un matrimonio est� desayunando en la cocina, cuando el marido le agarra el trasero a la esposa y le dice:

“Si lo tuvieras m�s firme no necesitar�as esos calzones levanta poto”.

Ella, bordeando la ira, se queda callada.

Al d�a siguiente estaban en la misma situaci�n, cuando esta vez �l le agarra una pechuga y le dice:

“Si las tuvieras m�s firmes no necesitar�as usar sost�n”.

Entonces, ella calmadamente le agarra el pene y le dice:

“Si lo tuvieras m�s firme no necesitar�a al jardinero, al cartero, el lechero y a tu hermano…”

Soup or Sex?

A woman, completely fed up with her husbands AOL obsession finally takes matter into her own hands. One night as he is sitting at the computer, she goes into the bedroom, takes off all her clothes, puts on a full length fur coat and she posts herself between her husband and his monitor. She pulls open the jacket and yells, “Time for Super Sex”!!!!!. He ignores her. So, she repeatedly yells, “Super Sex” “Super Sex” “Super Sex”. Finally, he replies, “Ok, I’ll take the soup.”

Watch those buttons

One day John decides to invite Mark on a trip on his private jet. Whilst on this luxury aeroplane Mark asks where the toilet is. John shows him and says to him “inside there are 3 buttons, whatever you do don’t press the third one.” Mark proceeds to the toilet and does his business. Whilst sitting on the toilet he presses the first button. Suddenly his privates are cleaned thoroughly. He enjoys this and presses the second button. Dryers appear and dry his privates. He is intrigued to find out what button 3 does, so he pushes it. The next thing Mark sees is John staring at him…..”what happened?” Mark asks shakily. “Well you pressed the third button and now you are in hospital.” “Why do my privates hurt so bad?” Mark asked anxiously..John replies “Well you activated the automatic tampon remover.”

A woman’s guide

Men are what women marry. Most have two arms, two legs, a large ego and sometimes two wives.

They can be divided into three categories: bachelors, husbands and widowers.

Each category can be subdivided into prizes, surprises, consolations and dead losses, the last group being the most common.

If you flatter them, they get frightened. If you don’t, they get bored.

If you allow them to make love to you in the beginning, they get bored with you in the end. If you don’t allow them to make love to you, they get bored in the beginning.

If you argue with them, you will lose your charm. If you don’t argue with them, they will stop trying to charm you.

If you are outgoing and popular with other men, they think you are a tart.If you are not an extrovert they ignore you.

Finally, to kiss a man, you must be prepared to kiss a rum scented brillo pad used to clean ashtrays.

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Devil Visits A Party

There was a man who was throwing a party at his house when suddenly and unexpectedly the devil showed up.

All of the people at the party started running out of the house except for the one man who was throwing the party.

The devil asked the man, “Why aren’t you running away like the rest of those fools?”

The ran replied, “Are you kidding? Why should I?

I’ve been married to your sister for 28 years!”

Think about it!

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film. Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t. She’s always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular? On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Three Turtles

Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide to go on a picnic. So, Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is, 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there. By the time they do arrive, everyone’s whipped .Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and says,’Alright, Steve, gimme the bottle opener.

“I didn’t bring the bottle opener,’ Steve says. ‘I thought you packed it.’ Joe gets worried.

He turns to Poncho. ‘Poncho, do you have the bottle opener?’

Naturally, Poncho doesn’t have it, so the turtles are stuck ten miles away from home without soda. Joe & Steve beg Poncho to turn back home and retrieve it, but Poncho flatly refuses, knowing that they’ll eat everything by the time he gets back. Somehow, after about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Poncho to go ,swearing on their great-grand turtles’ graves that they won’t touch the food.

So, Poncho sets off down the road, slow and steadily. Twenty days pass, but no Poncho. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise. Another day passes, and still no Poncho, but a promise is a promise. After three more days pass without Poncho in sight, Steve starts getting restless.

‘I NEED FOOD!’ he says with a hint of dementia in his voice. ‘NO!’ Joe retorts. ‘We promised.’ Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Poncho probably skipped out to the Burger King down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid ,get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat.

But then, right at that instant, Poncho pops out behind a rock, and says, “Just for that, I’m not going.”