You’re so fat, you jumped in the air and got stuck.
Author: admin
RTP Genie
Three guys, a Tarheel, a Blue Devil and an NC State Wolfpack are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
“I will give you each one wish; that’s three wishes total,” says the Genie.
The Wolfpack says, “I am studying to be a farmer; my dad was a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land in the Piedmont to forever be fertile.”
With a blink of the Genie’s eye, “FOOM” the land in the Piedmont was made forever fertile.
The Tarheel was amazed, so he said, “I want a wall around Chapel Hill, so that no one can come into our precious city.”
Again, with a blink of the Genie’s eye, “POOF” there was a huge wall around Chapel Hill.
The Blue Devil says, “I’m very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.”
The Genie explains, “Well, it’s about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out.”
The Blue Devil says, “Fill it up with water.”
Question and answer blonde joke
Q: Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?A: She missed.
National Geographic
Ole and Lena are 69-ing when Ole says, “Lena, did you know there are 117,000 musk ox in Alaska?”
Lena says, “No, I didn’t.”
Ole says, “And Lena, did you know there are 482,000 grizzly bears living in Alaska?”
Lena says, “No, I didn’t. Gee, you’re smart.”
Ole says, “And Lena, did you know there are more than 2 million caribou living in Alaska?”
“No,” says Lena, wondering how this conversation came about in the middle of their sex play.
“How did you get so smart?”
Ole says, “Remember last night when we ran out of toilet paper and had to use the pages out of magazines?”
“Yes, I remember,” says Lena.
“Well, you still have page 63 of National Geographic stuck to your ass.”
Submitted by ���rt��
Edited by BreeBrown
Lips
Why do women have two pairs of lips?
One to fight with, and one to make up with.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by yisman
OJ’s Clock
A guy dies and goes to heaven. It’s a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says, “I’m not very busy today, why don’t you let me show you around?”
The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a huge room full of clocks.
The guy asks, “What’s up with these clocks?”
St. Peter explains, “Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged.”
The guy thinks that this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why that is?
St. Peter explains, “Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock.”
This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, “What’s the story with that clock?”
“Oh, that,” St. Peter replies, “That’s OJ Simpson’s clock. We decided to use it as a fan.”
Putting out the cat
You don’t have to own a cat to appreciate this one…
A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening.
They turned on a night light, turned on the answering machine, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house.
The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house. They don’t want the cat shut in the house because “she” always tries to eat the bird.
The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat.
The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit. The wife doesn’t want the driver to know the house will be empty.
She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. “He’s just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.”
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. “Sorry I took so long,” he says, as they drive away.
“Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!”
The cabdriver veered off the road and hit a parked car.
Submitted by Admin
Edited by Curtis
Tennis lesson
A lady goes in to take a tennis lesson, and the instructor notices she is using the wrong grip.
After several failed attempts to correct her, he finally says, “OK, just grip it like you do your husband’s member.”
After that, she immediately rips a couple of top spin winners down the line.
The instructor says, “Wow that’s great. Now just try taking the racket out of your mouth.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Blondes And Dogs
What are the 2 ways Blondes and dogs are the same?
They can both bleed for a week without dying and bury a bone without getting there nose dirty.
shitty gang bang
A woman who had very bad diarrhoea was anally raped by six men.
It was a shitty shitty gang bang.
four by twos
A couple of blonde men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blonde men walked in the office and said, ‘We need some four-by-twos.’ The clerk said, ‘You mean two-by-fours, don’t you?’ The man said, ‘I’ll go check,’ and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, ‘Yeah, I meant two-by-fours.’ ‘Alright. How long do you need them?’ The customer paused for a minute and said, ‘I’d better go check.’ After awhile, the customer returned to the office and said, ‘A long time. We’re gonna build a house.’
My brother wants to work badly.
Fred: My brother wants to work badly.
Harry: As I remember, he usually does.