How to Make a Marriage Last

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last.

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida and mine is in N.Y.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?”

“Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!”

So I suggested, “How about the kitchen?”

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster,and electric bread maker. Then she said “There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!” So I bought her an electric chair

7. My wife told me the car wasn’t running well, there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me “In the lake.”

8. My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn’t lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!

9. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

10. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, “Am I too late for the garbage?”

The driver said, “No, jump in!”

Little XXX Red Ridin

Little Red Riding Hood was already to take lunch over to her grandmothers when her mother had handed her a shotgun.”Now, little red, you must be careful of the Big Bad Wolf,” her mother explained.”He will lift up your little red dress and pull down your little red panties, and screw your little red socks off.” “Ok, I will mother.” red assured her.While going down the trail out came the big bad wolf just like her mother had warned.”Little Red Riding Hood! I’m going to lift you little red dress up, pull down your little red panties, and screw your little red socks off!”Well with no hesitation, the wolf pulled up Little Red Riding Hood’s little red dress and pulled down Little Red Riding Hood’s little red panties, but just then with a clam and collected look, Little Red Riding Hood points the shot gun to the Big Bad Wolf’s head and says, “Your not going to screw my little red socks off. Your going to EAT me just like the book says!”

Are Your Kids on Drugs?

Many parents today are concerned that their offspring might somehow be involved in the world of illegal pharmaceuticals, or “drugs”. This is a healthy concern. Knowing your kids are “high” is the first step toward helping them avoid problems with their health, their grades, the law, and getting those hard-to-clean vomit stains out of the Oriental rug.

KNOW THE WARNING SIGNS- select the option which best describes your child.

1. Your child’s idea of a fun sport to play is:

A) tossing a pigskin ball around

B) throwing an orange rubber ball into a netted hole

C) inserting a pointy needle into a vein and mixing foreign substances into the human bloodstream.

2. Your child’s idea of a responsible adult is:

A) Bill Clinton

B) Tom Hanks

C) Charles Manson.

3. Your child’s favorite hobbies include:

A) Model Rocketry

B) Baseball

C) Taking white, powdery substances from a big bag and breaking it down into many smaller bags.

4. Your child’s pet is:

A) a puppy dog

B) a 16′ python

C) a colony of imaginary bugs and spiders that crawl under their skin.

5. Your child’s breath smells like:

A) a fresh, minty mountain top

B) lunch

C) an opium den.

6. When your young ones dress up to go out, they look like:

A) Fred and Ginger

B) Regis and Kathy Lee

C) Sid and Nancy

7. Your child would identify Tijuana Gold as:

A) a precious metal

B) a Mexican theme park

C) a good deal, but not as potent as the stuff from Thailand.

8. When you ask your child how their day at school was at the dinner table they answer:

A) they scored a goal for their soccer team

B) they got the highest grade in class on a math test

C) they scored a dime bag and got high.

Total up the number of times you answered “C” to the questions above, and consult the table below.

0 “C’s”- Chances are your child is not on drugs. They probably aren’t that exciting either. Kick them out of the house and force them to live on the cold streets for a few months to let them really appreciate life in all it’s murkiness.

1-3 “C’s”- Your child might be on drugs, but you can’t be certain. Put a flashlight up to their face and flash it in their eyes. This doesn’t really tell you anything, but it scares the pants off your kids and is kind of fun.

3-6 “C’s”- You may as well face it, you’ve got a little druggie on your hands. Your child is a menace to society and must be dealt with accordingly. We suggest a good flaying to help them kick their nasty habit. Confiscate all their stash and send it to Ooze.

7-8 “C’s”- Your child has never used drugs. No sir. Just smile nicely at them and slink out of the house. Never return.

Fireman Sex

A fireman comes home from work and is all excited. He just can�t wait to tell his wife the good news about a new system that they have down at the station.

“Honey!” he says, “you�re not going to believe this! Down at the station we have this new system and it�s so great.”

“When Bell #1 goes off we put on all our gear.”

“When Bell #2 goes off we slide down the pole and jump in the fire truck.”

“When Bell #3 goes off we speed to the fire in the fire truck.” He excitedly tells his wife.

Triumphantly he says, “We�re going to do the same thing for our sex life!”

“When Bell #1 goes off we are going to strip naked.”

“When Bell #2 goes off we will jump into bed”.

“When Bell #3 goes off we will screw our brains out. Let�s give a test run. OK, ready?”

“Bell #1!” (they strip naked)

“Bell #2!” (they hop into bed)

“Bell #3!” (they start screwing there brains out)

A couple of minutes later the wife starts screaming “Oh, Bell #4! Bell #4!”.

The husband confused says,”Bell #4, What�s that?”

The wife screams “More hose! More hose! Your not reaching the fire!!!”

Pepito va con su pap�

Pepito va con su pap� y le pregunta, “�Oye papi, c�mo nac�?”

“Mira Pepito tu mam� tiene un hoyito, yo tengo un palito, entonces met� varias veces mi palito en su hoyito y as� naciste t�.”

Despu�s va con su mama y le pregunta lo mismo y dice, “Mira Pepito, tu pap� tiene un palito y yo tengo un hoyito, entonces tu pap� meti� su palito en mi hoyito y as� naciste t�.”

Entonces Pepito se va a jugar a la calle y se encuentra un palito y lo recoje. Sigue jugando y encuentra un hoyito y empieza a meter el palito en el hoyo. En eso sale una ara�a y Pepito grita, “�Ahhhh� �Mugre ara�a, si no fueras mi hija te mataba!”

Write It Down!

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things,
so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make
sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctor’s, they explained to the doctor
about the problems they were having with their memory. After
checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were
physically okay but might want to start writing things down and
make notes to help them remember things.

The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while
watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asks,
“Where are you going?”

He replies, “To the kitchen.” She asks, “Will you get me a bowl
of ice cream?”

He replies, “Sure.” She then asks him, “Don’t you think you
should write it down so you can remember it?”

He says, “No, I can remember that.”

She then says, “Well I also would like some strawberries on top.
You had better write that down because I know you’ll forget
that.”

He says, “I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with
strawberries.”

She replies, “Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I
know you will forget that so you better write it down.”

With irritation in his voice, he says, “I don’t need to write
that down! I can remember that.” He then fumes into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her
a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says angrily: “I TOLD
you to write it down! You forgot my toast!”

Terrorism Coalition Cafe

TERRORISM COALITION CAFE
ENTREES

Israeli good cheeseburger $2.50
(comes with swiss cheese to give the pretense of neutrality.)

Iraqi Ribs (SADDAM good)$13.95
(made from real Iraqi’s, these ribs are really lean & all rib
dinners come with a Pakisani-nap for cleanup.)

Ghaza Strips (Chicken Strips) $5.95
(delicious chicken strips served to the table next to you- You
have to take them back.)

Saute Arabian (just what it says) $5.95
(Iran across a great deal on horseflesh.)

SIDE DISHES & APPETIZERS

Oman-That’s good soup- bowl $2.00 cup $1.25
Syria-ously fresh salad sm.$.75 lg.$1.50

BEVERAGES

The Big Gulf 32oz. fountain soda $1.50
(A nod to former ass whoopin’s we’ve handed out.)

whoop ass cola $1.50
( A nod to future ass whoopin’s we’ve handed out.)

Osama cherry cola for you $2.00
(made with real cherry bombs, there’s free refills for all
Islamic Extremists.)

‘Twas The Night Before Xmas- Redneck

‘Twas the night before Christmas And all through the trailer
Not a creature was stirrin’ ‘Cept a redneck named Taylor.
His first name was Bubba, Joe was his middle,
And a-runnin’ down his chin Was a trickle of spittle.
His socks, they were hung by the chimney with care,
And therefore there was a foul stench in the air.

That Bubba got scared And rousted the boys.
There was Rufus, 12; Jim Bob was 11;
Dud goin’ on 10; Otis was 7.
John, George and Chucky Were 5,4, and 3:
The twins were both girls So they let them be.

They jumped in their overalls, No need for a shirt,
Threw a hat on each head, Then turned with a jerk.
They ran to the gun rack That hung on the wall.
There were 17 shotguns; They grabbed them all.

Bubba said to the young’uns, “Now hesh up ya’ll!
The last thing we wanna do Is wake up yer Maw.”
Maw was expecting And needed her sleep,
So out they crept out the door without making a peep.

They all looked around, and then they all spit.
The young’uns asked Bubba, “Paw, what is it?”
Bubba just stared; He could not say a word.
This was just like all of the stories he’d heard.

It was Santy Claus on the roof, Darn tootin’
But the boys didn’t know; They was about to start shootin’!
They aimed their shotguns and nearly made a mistake
That would have resulted in venison steak.
Bubba hollered out, “Don’t shoot, boys!”
That’s Santy Claus And he’s brought us some toys.

The dogs were a-barkin’ And a-raisin’ cain,
And Bubba whistled, and shouted, And called them by name.
“Down, Spot! Shut up Bullet! Quiet, Pete and Roscoe!
Git, Turnip and Tater and Sam and Bosco!”

“Git down from that porch! Git down off that wall!
Quit shakin the trailer, Or you’ll make Santy fall!”
The dogs kept a-barkin’ And wouldn’t shut up,
And they trampled poor Pete Who was only a pup.

Santy opened his bag, And threw out some toys.
Bubba got most, But left a few for the boys.
Since the guns had been dropped He just might not die.

He jumped in his sleigh, Told his reindeer to hurry.
The trailer started to wobble Santa started to worry.
Just as the reindeer Got into the air,
The trailer collapsed, But Bubba didn’t care.

He was busy lookin’ At all his new toys.
Then a thought hit him, And he said to the boys:
“Go check on yer Maw, Make sure she’s all right.
That roof fallin’ on her Could-a hurt just a might.”

But Maw was OK, And the girls were too.
They fixed up the trailer; It looked good as new.
And as for Bubba, He liked Old St. Nick,
But Santa thought Bubba Was a pure-in-tee hick!

Bubba had a nice Christmas, And the boys did, too.
And the Taylors wish A Merry Christmas to you!